How to get fired from a band.

This is another article that was originally published in Singer&Musician magazine earlier this year.  Singer&Musician's website is www.iLiveToPlay.net.

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It has been said that being in a band is like being married to four or five people at the same time.  If it hasn't , let me be the first to say it.  Being in a band is like being married to four or five people at the same time.

At first, when you meet, you (and they) are on the best behavior.  They're pleasant.  They get the door for you.  They shower.  They tell you how good you look.  They tell you how good you sound.  They tell you they are so glad they met you. 

"Will you go on the road with us!"

"Yes!  Yes!  Yes!"

And it is great.  For the first little bit anyway.

Then you realize you might of made the biggest mistake of your life.  What could you have been thinking?  They chew with their mouths open.  Noodle between songs.  They don't pick up their clothes.  They leave their hair in the shower along with some funk and you don't even want to know what that is.   You thought you were on the same page, but you don't even share the same influences.  They never even heard of Freedy Johnson!

Fear not.  I can help you get out of this band without having to work up the courage to say "I quit."

Play loud.  Play so loud that you can't even hear them when they ask you to turn down.  This works better if you position your amp towards the lead singer, but you can compensate for a amp facing the crowd by bring a amp that is way oversized and inappropriate for the gig.  If the band turns up to match your volume (and i have seen that happen), recognize that for the challenge that it is.  Remember, what's the worse thing that could happen??  you get fired from the gig.  That may not achieve your main objective of getting fired from the band, but it's one less gig you'll have to play.

Show up late.  This works good, too.  Always include the word "man" in your apology, it makes it sound more mockingly sincere.  draw it out a little to:   "Hey.....I'm sorry, man...really."  Then you can add, "Dude, since we're (make sure you say "we're) running so late, could you carry in my amp?"  This helps, because it says concerned, but you're really not.  but hey you said the words.  Ammo like this helps when the end is near and barbs start being flung around. 

Date an ex-girlfriend (boyfriend) of another band member.  Remember, you only need to do this for as long as you have the gig.  Shouldn't be long.

Drink/do drugs.  I know, I know...it's rock 'n' roll, and there's an image that must be kept up.  But heavy drinking and drug use also has a time-honored tradition of getting people fired even in the heaviest of rock bands.  Being belligerent to club owners, booking agents, spouses and parents of band mates is good., but doing it over the microphone is louder.  Try the fans, they shouldn't be left out of the action.  Of course, heavy drinking and drug use can also kill you; but hey...you wanted out of the band, that could do the trick.

Act like you are better than everyone else.  Thinking it is the easy part, vocalizing it is something else.  You have to be ready to except the laughter before the "you're outta here."    Sure, playing louder kind of shows your superiority, but it doesn't quite show the distain you have for your band mates that actually saying it does.  If you don't feel superior, you can always use the insidious "you suck" on your band mates.  Personally, i think it lacks class, but it has been use with great effectiveness.

Don't prepare;  not for a rehearsal, not for a gig.  You know that your raw talent will get you through the ordeal better than they could with all the rehearsal in the world.  But then, the objective is to get fired, so you are going to have to "act" like you're not prepared.  Saying thing such as "I forgot my charts," "I didn't know we were going to do that song" and "Can we listen to the disc" will help. 

General not caring.  It's general, it's vague, so you're going to have to do it a lot.  Don't dress for the gig.  Don't help with the gear (try "Do I look like a roadie?"), don't pay your tab (personal fav.), Don't participate in anything.  This malaise needs to build up over time before it'll take effect, but when it does, you'll be out of the band as quick a cork on a bottle of Andres' on New Year's Eve.

I'm sure that there is more that i missed, but if any one of these things don't work, you can always try to mix and match.  Good luck, and I hope I'm never in a band with you.