I knew dating after a hard breakup would be tough. I knew I’d compare the qualities of every guy I meet to the good qualities that Matt possessed. As much as I know I shouldn’t be comparing, it’s extremely difficult not to. Matt is an extremely intelligent man. He is well versed in several different subjects and topics, and was always able to keep my mind intellectually stimulated. We never argued or had to think of what to do when we went out together: it was always about finding a nice restaurant in either my home city of New York or his home city of Philly, going out for drinks at a classy lounge, then heading home. There were a couple times we went to some upscale parties that friends had or just wandered around talking. We both enjoyed the “wine and cheese” lifestyle of going out but doing it in a mellow, upscale, classy way. I enjoyed being able to get somewhat dressed up (jeans, a trendy top, a cute pair of heels, and a clutch) but still feel comfortable and sexy. I guess the places were “upscale trendy” but without the snobbery that come with places you hear about in the tabloids: New York hot spot Butter, L.A. lounge of the moment Area, etc, etc. If I wanted to go someplace, he would make sure we went there together and had a good time doing it. I wanted to go to Mercer Kitchen for dinner. He told me to make the reservations and he’d be there. I wanted to go to Blue Water Grill (the section where they play jazz). He said he’d been there and loved it so let’s go! I wanted to go to my friends party on the Jersey Shore. He drove 2 hours so I could see my friend I hadn’t seen in 5 years. For all of Matt’s stress and busy-ness, when we did get together we had a wonderful time and truly enjoyed one another’s company.
With that said, I’ve been chatting with a couple of guys on J-Date and even had a date last Friday night. Most of the guys on J-Date don’t read my clear specifications. First, you should read what I’ve typed about myself in various sections of my profile, and then I’ll explain the guys who have been attempting to make a pass.
ABOUT ME: Hello! My name is Arielle! I'm cute, passionate, fun, classy, sexy, intelligent, warm, playful, affectionate, driven, and always up for a good time! I love spending my weekends in the city, whether I'm going to a museum, grabbing dinner at a new and exciting place, or just sitting down at a wine bar for some drinks! I love to cook (and I'm good at it)! I love working out and try to do so 5 times a week. I also love tennis but haven't played in ages! I enjoy theater, both Broadway and off Broadway, and I'm an avid reader! I'm a dog lover but can't have one because of building rules (stupid co-op board)! I'm super close with my family and friends and enjoy my time I get to spend with them. I'm simply a nice Jewish girl looking for a nice Jewish guy and I've been told more than once that I'm "the one who got away!" So don't let me get away...send me an e-mail to know more :-)
MY PERFECT FIRST DATE: I'm a big believer in the idea that there is no place that I could be taken to make it absolutely perfect. It's all about the company I'm with and the chemistry that's between us! Take me to a great restaurant for dinner, or to a museum followed by a wine bar! Do you like photography? Let's go to Central Park and take some pictures! I'll be up for a burger and fries at a sports bar also. I'm not picky! Just bring a great personality and a lot to chat about!
MY IDEAL RELATIONSHIP: Give and take. One in which we learn and grow with and from one another, and only grow closer with the ups and downs. We laugh together, and can be silly together. Part of being in a great relationship is compromise. Trust, honesty, loyalty. We find comfort in one another and passion for one another. We are "partners in crime." And of course, physical attraction.
MY PAST RELATIONSHIP: I've certainly learned what I do and do not want in a partner. Support one another. Communication, trust and compromise are key. Distance is only as hard as you make it to be. Live, love, laugh, enjoy life!
I AM LOOKING FOR A: I love to laugh so he had better have a great sense of humor! He also should be a good listener. Intelligence and the ability to hold a conversation are extremely important. Good-looking always helps but looks aren't #1. I'm tall myself so I do look for a tall guy! Some other qualities I look for: honest, ambitious, compassionate, loyal, romantic, supportive, physically active, independent, real, college-educated, in shape and witty. I love to cook but hate the cleanup afterwards so someone who won't hesitate to wash dishes is a big plus :-P Dog lovers also win brownie points with me. A guy who can just lie around on the couch but loves to go out, not just to his usual spots, but to new places also!
There are other little parts in between where you can specify education, career, age, height, religion affiliation, etc, etc. but I didn’t feel those portions were necessary to post here. Anyway...So first I’ll go over the issues I’m having with the guys I’m only speaking to and then I’ll go a little further into last Friday’s date, and my rescheduled date that was supposed to happen this evening.
The Possessive One: Has a really interesting background. Born in Bahrain, he moved with this family to New York when he was a little boy. He and I spoke for a lengthy time online one Sunday night (mostly about the Jewish community in the part of the world he came from since I found it fascinating), and our initial phone conversation was 20 minutes. Apparently, he fell in love after having only 2 conversations with me. He continued texting me every morning on my cell while I was at work saying how much he’s thinking about me. He was “xoxo”-ing already in every text message. He called way to late at night and despite the fact I’d tell him I was just getting into bed, he continued yapping away. One morning I temporarily misplaced my phone and when I found it again (the doorman had it) there were 2 text messages from Ricky. The usual good morning, xoxoxo bullshit, and a second asking if I was ignoring him since I hadn’t responded. My thoughts: if I wasn’t ignoring you now, I will be moving forward. When Rosh Hashanah came around I told him I’d be busy for the weekend and that we would talk after the holiday, in hopes that he’d forget about me. He ended up texting that he missed me Friday morning. I didn’t answer. After the holiday, he both text and called. I answered his text apologizing for disappearing and explaining (in short hand since it was a text message) that I have been very busy at work. He ended up texting me back asking who it was. Apparently while syncing his computer to his Blackberry, his contacts list deleted. I didn’t even respond. It was a miracle that he now doesn’t have my number any longer! WOOHOO!
Sending me a Novel: This person is someone who sent me a very long e-mail on J-Date. I responded. He took a few days to respond back, but he included in his response his entire medical history. The medical history part alone was 2 pages long. See ya.
The Height Problem: I’m 5’8”. I like big guys. I like wearing heels when I go out and I like feeling little when my man has his arms around me or gives me a hug. That’s just how I am and I think a lot of women feel the same way, as I know most women wouldn’t date someone shorter. I also specify in my profile that being tall is a must. Why am I getting IMs and e-mails from guys who are 5’5”?
The Education Problem: As successful as someone can be without having a college education, I require one in the man I date. Despite success, I think it is so important to have a degree in something to fall back on in case you chose, degree-less professional falls through. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want this in a partner. I also find that when I speak to guys who are without a college education, they seem to be much farther behind as far as maturity level than the guys who are the same age as them but have gone to college and have had those experience (and good jobs). They also don’t have as much to talk about and in the cases with J-Date, they are usually “townies” living off mommy and daddy indefinitely. ABOSLUTELY NOT! Apparently they don’t know how to read either since I clearly state in the profile that college-educated is one of the qualities I look for.
The Blocker: The blocker, aka Nathan, I thought was really nice. He is really smart, a 29-year-old lawyer for a NY based publishing company, lives in the Gramercy Park area, owns a dog, and is athletic. He kept saying he was going to call and never did. Actually, that’s a fib. He was supposed to call once, and called to let me know his friend dropped by and he’d call me back in a couple hours. Never heard from him. We IMed a couple of times and he kept saying he’d call and never did. Then one day I noticed he’d blocked me (I have two screen names…one for every day use that blocks people not on my buddy list, and one for J-Date that allows anybody to IM me – Nathan was on both).
The issues above happen often and those are really the 5 types of guys on internet dating sites: education and height you can really put into not paying attention, then you have the guys who give you their whole life story in an e-mail, leaving for little first date conversation, then there are the guys who are possessive without even knowing you, and the guys that lead you on to think they like you and end up blocking you.
Oh wait! I forgot one: The Inappropriate One. The inappropriate guy is the guy who decides to ask for my bra size in the first week of chatting online. It's inapprorpriate to ask that online to begin with, or even to ask that of someone you've only been dating for a short while. This guy usually also asks about sexual history and craziest places I've done it. This guy always gets blocked.
What is wrong with men?
I’ve also been speaking with a couple of guys who are closer in age to me, which I was trying to avoid, but figured I’d give it a shot. I’ve spoken to a couple guys in med-school, one of which I made plans with but had to cancel because I wasn’t feeling well. He seems really funny and very smart, and based on his pictures, he’s a good looking guy. He comes from a good family, and seeing as though he’s in med school, he’s definitely education and has a solid career ahead of him. Another med-student who lives in Brooklyn is also a candidate. We are still chatting but I’m looking for to hopefully meeting him in the near future. (After the Jewish holidays, I’m hoping all of these plans come together.)
Last Friday night I went on a date with somebody I had been speaking to, a third med-student, who originally I wasn’t going to meet up with but he had invited me last minute to a Mets game for which he got free tickets. I couldn’t see a reason not to go. I could be very casual in jeans and my Mets t-shirt and be in an atmosphere that we could talk and get to know one another, no pressure. I met up with the guy and he was surprisingly good looking although I could tell he had no idea that my protocol is to hug, and if not hug, then at least be the receiver of a kiss on the cheek. He was ready to shake my hand. He didn’t have to wait for me because he was already shaking. That was the first turn-off. It showed a lack of confidence. We went up to our seats which were about as high up as one can sit at Shea Stadium. No problem. He began hastling all of the people in Philly’s hats and shirts, loudly, and obnoxiously, at which point I started cheering at the game to make it look like I wasn’t with him. Second turn-off. It showed me a lack of maturity. Yes, we were at a baseball game but I hate when people do that because it’s supposed to be fun. People don’t go to sporting events to be hassled, they go to sporting events to support their teams. Aside from those two turn-offs, he wasn’t much of a conversationalist and used an F-word used to describe gays fairly often. At that point, I got nauseous. He’s been trying to contact me and I’ve been putting him off. Hopefully he’ll forget about me. Bye-bye.
The guy I was supposed to go out with tonight is somebody I thought would be a great match for me. He did his undergraduate and MBA programs at SUNY Binghamton, has a wonderful job, is living with his parents so that when he’s ready to settle he can buy a really nice house with somebody, is athletic and plays football in a league every Sunday, and seems to enjoy going out. The problem is, he’s one of these guys confined to Long Island. He has lived on Long Island his entire life and clearly has only gone out on Long Island his entire life. While we were figuring out something to do, he made not a single suggestion, and all my casual good first date suggestions closed at 9 during the week. We postponed Thursday night for this coming Saturday, with the agreement that now that we’d have more time to go out, he would have to plan the date. (I don’t like planning first dates because I don’t know what type of place to choose. I don’t know if he’s planning on paying or if we are splitting the bill, and don’t want to impose on somebody else’s budget. I also know that I could plan a GREAT date – in the city – and like to know that the guy I’m with is capable of making a dinner reservation.) If he can’t think of anything for Saturday, I’m going to move on.
So that’s how my post break-up life is going as of now. I miss Matt so much but I know I have to move on, or at least find somebody to bide the time with until Matt’s schedule is back to an acceptable and datable calendar. That could be two or three years and I don’t want to wait around for him. Because although I said to my friend after our first date that I thought Matt was going to be the man I’d marry, now might not have been the right time to be in that relationship and fate might bring us back together. I could have also been very wrong. Maybe I won’t marry Matt. But I can’t wait for his schedule to die down to find that out because in the meantime, I could meet The One.