A History - or How I got here.

Prior to Ed I had had a series of 3 month relationships and a few one night stands to spice things up - I didn't know how to maintain a relationship and in fact didn't really want to because of the risk of being hurt though all of them had done the breaking I was the instigator - I was the queen of sabotaged relationships and that conveniently left me in a position to blame everyone but myself.  The relationship directly before Ed we had decided to wait to have sex since we both felt very strongly about eachother and well that relationship was just about as emotionally painfull as I had experienced so when Ed I started dating I dove in head first and damn the consequences - the cosequences made themselves known about a month and a half later in the form of a positive pregnancy test.

Now the woman who had never had a long term relationship and the man who was still hurting from his previous one were facing some pretty big decisions - I ruled out abortion (though Ed implied that was what we should do) I am pro-choice, I just chose not to.  So for about 6 months we talked (my bestfriend and I did some screaming at eachother), and cried and eventually ruled out adoption and suddenly he and I were facing the prospect of a lifetime connection and we barely knew eachother.

Audrey Violet was born on January 2, 2006 - the very next month Ed and I would celebrate one year of dating.  It has been hard to develope a relationship while also learning how to be parents together and I have days where I wonder if Ed is with me only because of Audrey and lately have been wondering if he is with me because he is scared he couldn't get anyone else to stay with him and sometimes I wonder if I am scared that I couldn't get anyone else to stay with me.  There are days where I love him entirely and appreciate how wonderful he has been and there are days that I wish he would go away and take his kid with him so that I could get back to the artists life that I used to have.  And somedays I get so overwhelmed with happiness for the life I have now and spend my time trying to be a better mother and partner.

 So where does that leave me?  Sitting here at my computer getting ready to go  read to my 20 month old then chase her around our tiny apartment and tickle her silly so that she naps well and I can plan dinner, check my email, figure out what the highest mortgage we can afford and hoping that she gets over this cold quickly so we can go to the parent's center and she can play with her friends.  Then when she goes to bed I will sit up and watch my TV show while waiting for Ed to get home from his one day a week second job - in other words, just another day.