Lessons-Me!

I have to post more about this whole thing for several reasons.  One is that writing is integral to me, it affects my thought processes and helps me to clarify my own feelings and reactions to things.  I once wrote to a friend of mine that things didn't really become real until they were written down somewhere-in a letter, a journal, an email to a friend, somewhere.  I don't know if it is like that for everyone, but it is for me.  A second reason is because of the various responses from different people in my life (April, this one is specifically for you).  I want to make clear what my own thought processes are with regards to Steve and his alcoholism, specifically, but also about me and my history and my life in a much larger sense than just his.

 Here is what I told Steve, once we were both calmer: I love him, and I need him to make sure he wants this door (meaning our relationship) is closed for sure, and for the right reasons, before he makes the decision final.  Not because I am holding on to some hope that he is going to become willing to get sober and stay sober, because quite frankly, it is a lot of work, and he is still like a child in that he thinks things should be asy.  No-because I am also a recovering alcoholic myself, and I know that I would not want someone to turn their back on me because of my drinking; I would hope that within reason, I could also expect love and support from the people in my life. 

The key to that paragraph is within reason. Which also applies to what I told Steve.  I will provide support, but I won't carry him.  I will not bail him out of jail, call in to his job(s), make excuses to his parents, nor cry at the trial if he gets caught.  I will not lend or give him money, nor will I pay any of his bills.  I will not allow Owen to spend the night at his house, nor will I allow Owen to be around him at all if he has been drinking.  He cannot call my house drunk, nor show up there with alcohol on his breath.  As far as our relationship goes (beyond that of parenting our child together), a permanent decision does not need to be made right this moment.  However, this does not mean it gets to continue on like nothing ever happened.  He no longer gets to come over for dinner every night.  There will no longer be a sexual aspect to it (which, frankly, bums me out, but hey, I was single for several years before I met him, I suppose I can manage, LOL!).  No longer will I be like a wife to him, because I am not willing to invest any more of my time and energy on that aspect of it.  It is too hard for me, for my kids, for my life in general.

I do love him.  However, I know this: that when it comes to an alcoholic/addict (or any other variety of people, I am sure, I only have experience with those), sometimes all the love in the world doesn't make a scrap of difference.  This issue-the drinking-isn't about me; it is about his unwillingness to do the work to get and stay sober.  He is still laboring under the mistaken assumption that he is different, that the rules (so to speak) don't apply to him.  And I can love him all I want, but the choice is up to him.  I can't make him willing, I can do it for him.  I will say again, I love him.  But it is time for him to sink or swim.

So to my friend April, yes, all that you said is true.  We have lived it, and we know.  However, as a fellow alcoholic (though obviously in recovery!), I can say how I would hope to be treated at this moment, and try to do the same without making it easy for him, nor trying to protect him from the natural consequences of his behavior.  In this, I can go to sleep at night with a clear conscience, because I can satisfy my desire to BE a support person without having the responsibility of being his crutch.  The weight is too heavy, and god knows my haversack is full enough as it is.

I have had my moments in the past year, with other issues regarding Steve, of feeling worthless and unnatractive and insecure.  These are not Steve's issues, but mine.  But one thing I remembered this weekend is that I am a strong, amazing woman.  No matter how much I love Steve, I can let him go if I need to, because I know that pain heals.  Like I said before, you have have to feel it and move on, because it is what it is.  And the fact that my life is beautiful and full and so, so rich does not go away because I might not have him in my life the way I wanted to.  Am I holding on because I still have hope? Sure-there is always hope-but what it feels like to me something less than hope, but more than giving up just yet.  I have always believed in that secret part of my heart that is ONLY mine that I will KNOW when the time is right to take definitive action.  Some people would like to call it God, but for me it more just a sure knowledge of when it is time to go.  It worked with my ex-and even though there was a aprt of me now that thinks I stayed way too long with him, I had to be sure.  And that is how it feels right now, with Steve.  In the meantime, while I am waiting for my answer, I will move on with my life; it is good, and sweet, and there are so many things to do!  I used to just survive, but more and more I am trying to live, and for the most part I seem to be getting pretty good at it.