It would've helped to have a large extended family. I've been a single parent most of my son's 19 years and with no family nearby and hardly anyone for support but lots of people at the schools etc to criticize me. And some wonderful people at the schools too, but not nearly as many.
My son had ADHD but the schools called it "poor parenting." I was ordered to take a lot of parenting classes. It was at one of the parenting classes when he was just past 2 that they had us bring our kids one day. The teacher said "my goodness, he really doesn't sit down, does he? None of us can get his attention to slow him down even a little bit, don't feel bad that you can't. He needs to see a child behavior counselor to be diagnosed as hyperactive but really, none of us has any doubt."
Along the way I found support in a group of adult ADHD people online. And one of those people recently led me to gather. If you don't know Angela B you're missing a really good person. I've known her since 1995 and only met her once. There just couldn't be a nicer smarter funnier more creative person. Technically I suppose there could, but you know what I mean. :) From her I learned the most important thing is to love your child and make sure they know it. Well, I had the loving part down already by then. :)
I was 41 when my baby was born. I was told that this was where I had "gone wrong," and that I should NEVER have had a child at that age. And here I thought it was a wonderful miracle that I was finally able to have a baby of my own, not something I'd done wrong. I know that he is the best thing that ever happened in my life. I've had a lot of work fighting with school systems to get him what he deserved and I haven't been as successful as I'd have liked, but I did it alone most of the time. And friends my age either had had their kids long ago or just weren't going to have any.
I had help from a group named CHADD until we moved to California just before 3rd grade. I thought I'd find a CHADD group here but the one in San Diego is so far from where we live that it would have cost $30 each way for cabfare. It would have been smarter to get a driver's license before becoming a parent, but I didn't know that. And I found out that besides ADHD we also both had depression, although my son's didn't appear until he started to go to school.
I was lucky, his dad is not a deadbeat dad. He sends support, and he calls and talks with my son at least half an hour every Sunday and has him visit twice a year or more. And he's supportive by email, but it's not like having someone here when you get the flu and just can't cook anything.
I'd never want to have lived without being a parent, but I wouldn't have chosen to be a single parent if I'd had any other options. Life just pulled us apart and I was glad I got my baby first.
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Comments: 35
Never think you are a bad parent for anything...you did what it took for Alan and fighting the system isn't easy...
I raised four by myself and even without ADHD it isn't easy...you take it one day at a time, is what I did and said when asked how I did it...just one day at a time...
:O)
Hope you and your son are doing well. I know he appreciates you.
Thanks for stopping by to comment on my PETS QUIZ article. You were RIGHT about the Jack Russell Terrier. Stop by later in the week to see the answers. I'm going to wait a few days to hopefully get a few more guesses. Not very many yet -I guess Gather just has too much GOOD STUFF for folks to try any thing a bit hard?
Thanks again
This gave me a lump in my throat. ADHD is never your fault! EVER! Having a baby at 41 does not make them that way. I know many people that had babies even later without incident.
I have a son with ADHD, 10, and am looking to connect with others and form groups. So if you are interested.
Just think of all the writing material you'll have!! God Bless you!
I just got back to Gather late today after dealing with the cat (some thing you commented on ) and wanted to thank you for taking the time to comfort me. If anyone else reads this feel free to send a Gather mail instead as this is the ONE time I do not want or need points but the kindness is appreciated. I do not think we get points for Gather mails and my purpose in posting here is simply to say a big THANK YOU.
Hang in there. I'm not a single parent but my mom had me at 42 and my sister at 43. It is not easy, I know, for parents who may be a bit older than some parents (although more and more people are waiting till later to have kids).
I, too, have ADD children (two out of three). I do know some of the struggles you face and I feel anger that you got accused of poor parenting by the schools. Parents of ADD children are often MORE vigilant than ever because they have to be. If I was not, my child would have gotten hit by a car several times, as distractable as he was and as many times as he forgot to look both ways and I had to stop him from going in the street! Those are just examples of what parents of ADD kids can have to deal with, along with lost papers, forgetfulness and a general spaciness about things.
Yes, we have to be pro-active and we need support and understanding. Schools are all too willing to let our kids slip through the cracks, except for some wonderful teachers out there - and there ARE some.
Hang in there, feel free to contact me anytime. We are facing high school now and I can give you tips when your kid gets to that age. It can be exhausting, I know, and hard to keep your spirits up.
P.S. Thanks on commenting on my article about leopard prints :)
And in my continuing education on learning to be less fashion-challenged, I thank you for commenting on my "mom jeans' question :)
My son is the 4th comment up there, Alan M. He has beautiful red hair. And he's 19 and we're both trying to get jobs now. This'll be a challenge. :)
I'm sure you'll both find jobs. My middle son took a year off from school and worked for a school corporation as an aide, made enough to pay rent, buy groceries, etc. They really need hard workers in the schools and aide can even have health insurance in some schools. Anyway, they were eager to have him. He worked with special needs children under the supervision of a head teacher.
how long were u & ur husband 2gether?
adhd is hard 4 every1 involved 2 deal w/
Infinity, we lived together starting in 1978 and were married in 1983. in 1995 he lost his job and left town to find work elsewhere and I guess he just kind of grew away from us. We moved out to San Diego in 96 when he was given a permanent job here, but then the company abolished the entire department and he left again to find work. I think in 2001 he said he didn't feel like San Diego was home anymore and wanted a divorce.
I'm glad he's not a deadbeat dad, I realize I'm very lucky, but I wish things had worked out for us still to be a family. He was always so interesting to talk with, he's the smartest person I've known. We have met some very smart doctors and shrinks but you don't get to enjoy their company much.