Several Jokes for Your Enjoyment

GRANDMOTHER

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.

The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99!!"
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Montana Student
    A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college, but
     half way through the semester, he has foolishly
     squandered all his money. He calls home.

     "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern
     education is developing! They actually have a
     program here in Bozeman that will teach our dog, Ol'
     Blue, how to talk!"

    "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol'
     Blue in that program?"

    "Just send him down here with $1,000,"' the young
     cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

    So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

    About two-thirds through the semester, the money
     again runs out. The boy calls home.

    "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

    "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
     "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such
     good results they have started to teach the animals
     how to read!"

    Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get
     Blue in that program?"

    "Just send $2,500, and I'll get him in the class."

    The money promptly arrives.

    But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year,
     his father will find out the dog can neither talk,
     nor read. So he shoots the dog.

    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
     father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just
     can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
    Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive
     home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back
     in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal,
     like he usually does. Then he turned to me and
     asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with
     that little redhead who lives in town?'"

    The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a
     b&#% before he talks to your Mother!"

    "I sure did, Dad!"

    "That's my boy!"

    The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
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THINGS THAT MAKE YOU THINK

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much , and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.