needs

"People who need people

are the luckiest people 

in the world"

I stand in the warm afternoon sun talking to susan, a woman i met in my previous 

 living situation. Susan came to Switzerland from China, and she is on her own and surviving and doing well, i listen to her advice, i welcome it.

I later talk to mr. Zucker who has a house right near the biological farm, the one with the young unfriendly farmer's wife who overcharges , is sour to me, and hardly returns my greeting.

 Mr. Zucker tough is not like the farmer's wife, he will talk , he is placing a pile of newspapers neatly tied outside his door, as we talk, he greets everyone that passes by, 

 he knows everyone there.

Zucker means sugar in German. He sings at the synagogue's choir , he will be singing some songs on Friday. He is a tenor.

Mr. Zucker tells me of the trip he made with his wife to Israel this passing spring, where he was staying, and where he went.

In German the word for wife means "mein frau",  translated word by word to "My woman", it always makes me wonder why marriages are actually seen as a situation where one possesses someone else, like a property..the same goes for a woman speaking of her husband, it means, my man .

I am married officially but not really, i  am separated, some forms have this special situation written as a possibility, you can mark your situation as being : unmarried, married , divorced or separated.

I am having a difficult time letting go of my status as a married woman, i am finding it a bit overwhelming having to deal with the children, kitchen, cleaning, filling forms, and having many hats to wear.

It is morning, i wake up with a pain in my lower back , it has been there for some time, i miss my bed, my husband got it in the settlement and at the time i did not mind giving it up..i could buy another bed i suppose, but there is no place.

Right now my husband, the father of my three young children, is waking up i suppose next to the woman he has been living with for the past 6 months or more , who knows..he has moved on to the next level, she has a nice place the boys told me, she has money, she has a clean kitchen, she fulfills his needs to have a clean place, to have his cloths washed, i suppose a single mother of two boys not so young anymore would be more than happy to have a tall good looking man sleep next to her, help the boys out with homework, do the chores, he does the garden now, the boys tell me..

I try not to think of my life with my husband, sometimes i tend to forget the pain and injury, and how he used to get so angry when things were not like he would have liked, sometimes i remember vacations, and what beautiful places we had been to, i remember how he hardly ever gave me his hand unless it was to help me climb a rock, he was there though by my side on her last vacation, i remember how he was there, most of the time, i would complain but still i had a man next to me, though God knows what purpose he served.

 A lot of times during my life i have felt like an orphan, a motherless child, i have a  need to be loved, don't we all, but also suffer from insecurity, i needed to feel safe.

I had been married to a man that would hit me, yell at me, not appreciate me, it felt bad to think that is my husband, that would be the man that i spend my life with, though i had to admit i liked vacations, he always took care of everything , i just had to show up, and make sandwhiches, he always handled the money matters telling me we dont have any.

I know now that was a lie, i have half and it is not really enough but i can manage most of the time, so i can not imagine what he was thinking telling me we never had enough ..

I wonder if he will always be with the woman he is with now, if that is what he wants, to live next to a woman that takes care of him, that has a beautiful home he need not have paid for, and to have her buy his cloths which i suspect she does,

I have this unhealthy need to know what she looks like, what it feels like for him to be with her , and if he ever reflects back on our 9 years together and ever misses me, and wishes he was with me.

I know i sometimes miss the good times, the photos show only those, the photos show a couple standing in front of the bridge by the city hall, i have my beautiful white lace wedding dress, and i am smiling, my baby is on the way too, somewhere safe in my womb and later on she will be in the photos smiling and loved.

My daughter will be 11 in just a few days, i have organized a vacation in France so on her birthday i dont have to think of how it was last year and how she did not get any present from her father because she does not like to go to him anymore.

I am waiting the contract so i can sign it and then i have to organize the train travel, and the Euros and write up a very strict budget as i do not have a credit card, since i do not work the credit card companies have refused me. i worry about that.

I have a need to travel, to see new places, my daughter wants to learn French so she could be better at her lessons in school, i have always adored the French language and most people here in the stores mistake me for French as i have this accent that sounds a lot like a French one..i would like to be around French people and practice the French i learned in high school,

This morning i woke up dreaming i am calling the reception desk at the vacation place and asking for directions in French, i dreamed i could talk fluently, and it felt good to know the language, to know something, to have control.

I have many needs, i need to be loved, i need to love, i asked my son yesterday for a hug and i felt how this empty place inside of me fills with a warm fuzzy filling like eating a good meal, it felt good to hug, it  felt good to know you are loved and to love in return.