by denise e
Member since:
August 27, 2007

The loss of baby and what could of been.

September 13, 2007 10:56 PM EDT (Updated: September 23, 2007 10:08 AM EDT)
views: 59 | comments: 20

To be a mother.  What does it mean?  This is something that I may never get to experience.  If someday I can be the kind of mother that my mom was to me.  But at this point in my life I will not get that chance.

When I firt found out I was pregnant, I wasn't even sure that it was something that I wanted.  As time went on and the life inside of me started to change who I was.  But then it all changed one day in February.   

Loss.  Grief.  There are no words to express the pain.  To lose a part of myself.  This is something that I will carry with me forever.  So many questions of "what if.." that can never be answered. 

Tomorrow would have been a day that my life would have changed dramatically and I would have had a little one to bring home to complete my family. But instead it is a day where I will sit in silence with my pain.  Things occurred that will forever change my life. 

That baby may never be able to exist, but will remain with me forever. There will always be a space in my heart reserved for this child  There is not a day that goes by that my thoughts are not on what could have been.  A boy, a girl; I will never know.  As time goes on, grief will lessen.  But tomorrow will be my day for the one who will never be.  

Will I ever be a mother?  Will I ever have that chance again?  Only time will tell what the future holds. 

link to this page
Bookmark this post:
Facebook
Twitter
Delicious
Buzz
More

Comments: 20

Janet H. Sep 13, 2007, 11:02pm EDT
I am sorry for your loss. My daughter lost 2 babies and it hit her hard both times. She lost a 3 month old girl Jasmine to SIDS. Then years later she lost a boy, Jaden to prematurity. He died soon after birth. Luckily, she has 4 healthy kids but the losses were still very hard. Jaden should have been born last February if he hadn't been born early. I hope you will one day have one or more healthy children to treasure and raise.
jackie s. Sep 13, 2007, 11:02pm EDT
It wasn't the baby's time to be. That soul will return in due time. Ask forgiveness of God - no one else. Enjoy your life's journey. Expand your horizons. Forgive yourself, too. Peace.
Lori F. Sep 13, 2007, 11:06pm EDT
Janet how terrible.

Jackie I am not downing you for your opinion but I too suffered a miscarriage. I dont believe in god so what helped me is to cry...get angry....do whatever you have to do....it gets better.
Vivian P. Sep 13, 2007, 11:15pm EDT
it is very difficult take our time sorry for your loss
Janice B. Sep 14, 2007, 12:08am EDT
I lost my first baby when I was 6 months pregnant. It was a shattering experience, and a pain unlike any other. Time will lessen the agony. Sorry!
Jo C. Sep 14, 2007, 12:17am EDT
Hang in there. I battled infertility and lost a baby, too. I wondered if I would ever be a mother and could not pass other mothers without getting tearful. But I finally had a wonderful baby boy, in time. I did have to use fertility meds but it was worth it.

I know how hard it can be to lose a baby. Even though people were kind and understanding, the pain was intense. My best wishes for your future success as a mother to be.
J W. Sep 14, 2007, 1:29am EDT
When I was 16 and when I was 18. I got pregnant, my parents did not want me to have the child and they told me in order to remain at their house, I would have to have an abortion. I had no job, no way to support myself and an abusive boyfriend to boot. I got pregnant again at age 23. I hid the pregnancy for 6 months, then one day my mother reached over and felt my stomach and knew instantly that I was pregnant. I told her I am sorry but I had to hide my pregnancy from you because I knew that if you found out you would want me to have an abortion and I can't do it again. I told her I want this baby and I am going to have it with or without your approval. Now, I have a beautiful 14 yr old daughter that my parents and I love . I could not imagine not having her. I have asked God to forgive me for my abortions and I believe that through Jesus Christ he has.
Dena Straughn Sep 14, 2007, 6:12am EDT
I know it is so hard to understand the loss. In God's time things come to pass. I will pray for you. I know how you must be hurting. Blessings my friend.
Bonnie L. Sep 14, 2007, 2:13pm EDT
Denise: I was never able to have children...so I connect with you on a level that is deep with understanding...it's a pain no one can understand unless they have lived it.

Know that there are people who DO care...God may surprise you one day - with the greatest gift of all.
Rhoda S. Sep 14, 2007, 2:46pm EDT
I am sorry for your loss. My sisters daugtherhad trouble getting pregnant. One took frtility drugs and now has two dagthers. Another one also took fertility drugs. Witha doctors help she got pegnn fiev imes and had five miscarriages. But she did not give up. Then God bless her with a wonderful baby by, Matthew. She did not get medical help that time in getting pregnant and Matthew was born full term. I can' say what God has in store for you, but I believe he will bless you.
julie v. Sep 14, 2007, 6:23pm EDT
This is your grieving time, and grieve you must. , and then on with positive thoughts., have faith. all will be well.
Kathy K. Sep 14, 2007, 9:45pm EDT
I'm sorry for your loss. Time will heal your hurt.
Susy B. Sep 14, 2007, 9:53pm EDT
Nothing will ease the pain you feel now. I know. I lost 2. So I know how you feel. Please, allow yourself to feel pain, grieve your lost, cry out in rage. But don´t get in touch with guilt. I will only harm you and will stop you from acepting the lost and it will made the recovery process a more painful path.

thanks for the connecion

susy
denise e Sep 14, 2007, 10:13pm EDT
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and understanding. I got through today which was the toughest in a while. I am taking it one day at a time and some are better than others.
Sue * Sep 14, 2007, 11:38pm EDT
I am so sorry for your loss. We adopted a baby after years of treatment, 16 months later I was pregnant...it took 9 years, but worth the wait. I remember how much it hurts...the wondering if it will ever happen.
Tiffanie C. Sep 15, 2007, 12:47am EDT
Denise, I am so very sorry for your loss! I have lost 2 and know how hard it is and will continue to be.
Currently hubby and I are trying without any luck. When you are ready to try again you might want to pick up the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility", it's great.. there is also software you can get for charting and such. I have leared so much!
Much love and hugs to you during this very difficult time. I wish I had the words to ease your pain but I know there isn't anything I can say that will make you feel better. Just know you aren't alone and if you need to talk, I'm here.

Also, JACKIE.. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? What do you think Denise needs to ask forgiveness for?? This WASN'T HER FAULT! Jackie, ya know.. maybe you mean well but are just ignorant.. you should go read about things not to say to someone who has just lost a baby. You are nutts!
jackie s. Sep 15, 2007, 9:19am EDT
Tiffanie, you're right: I had just had a conversation with someone else - on the exact same subject - and the other poor woman was so distraught with grief about it being her fault. Of course, it is not. There just seems to be a big thing with women that somehow it MUST be their fault. So, really it is a symbolic gesture rather than some judgment. I have great tenderness for anyone who lost a little one for any reason whatsoever. Thanks for letting me clarify.
Jennifer C. Sep 15, 2007, 11:34pm EDT
I am so sorry for your loss, I know how hard it is , I lost a baby 5 years ago at 18 weeks pregnant. And have since had another beautiful son. Please dont give up hope.
Grems 'gremlin' Sep 16, 2007, 5:06pm EDT
so sorry for your loss... Peace be with you

Join the Conversation
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Already a member? Sign in
top
 
Gather | Friends | Groups | Share
About Gather | Engagement Marketing | Make New Friends | Gather Points | Advertise on Gather | Gather Press | Privacy | Terms of Service | Community Guidelines
Books | Celebs | Entertainment | Family | Food | Health | Moms | Money | News | Politics | Spirituality | Sports | Travel | Writing
Version 16961, "Pacino"; Copyright © 2009 Gather Inc. All rights reserved.