San Francisco Shocker: Bonds is Pregnant

SAN FRANCISCO. If you thought the Barry Bonds steroid scandal couldn't get any weirder, think again. The San Francisco Giants today announced that Bonds is pregnant.

Bonds: "The sonogram came back fine."

"He took too much Clomid for too long," said the team's chief internist Dr. Anthony Saglimbeni. "Father and child will be fine as long as Barry gets enough flaxseed oil."

Conte: "I guess you could say I'm the daddy!"

Clomid is a female fertility drug that Bonds used at the recommendation of Victor Conte, owner of the BALCO lab where the slugger allegedly took steroids. Clomid helps the body recover its natural ability to produce testosterone, and is believed to mask the presence of steroids.

Bell: "It'll be a Jack 'n Jill shower."

Kimberly Bell, the former girlfriend who is writing a tell-all book about Bonds, said she plans to throw a baby shower for the man who is major league baseball's all-time home run king if he doesn't go to jail first. "He won't be able to fit into his clothes soon," she said with a playful smile, "once his body catches up with the size of his head."

Boras: "Mother, father and baby are doing just fine."

Bonds' agent, Scott Boras, said the child would be named "Samantha" if it is a girl and "Mark" if a boy. "Barry was inspired to his prodigous feats by Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire's historic home run race in 1998," Boras said, "and it's just his way of saying 'Thanks'."

Boras wouldn't say who the father was, but others have their suspicions. A reporter put the question to teammate Dave Roberts, who issued a testy denial. "Don't look at me, man," he said. "Barry screwed himself."