I Cut To Be Cool (Don't Make The Same Mistake)

It had never occurred to me that by causing myself physical harm I'd feel better about my life or whatever problems I was having. This was roughly five years ago, when I was fourteen. I found out people were doing it and just went with the crowd. I'd cut wrists, legs, arms, my stomach, my breasts. Once I even GOUGED a cross into my fingertip...took forever to heal, had a cool scar there for a while.

It didn't help me with any of my problems. It gave me new ones. I had to hide all the scabs and marks. I was worried constantly about being caught. It never made me feel....any better. If possible it's make my depression worse. I couldn't help but think of all the people I was letting down. The people who would be hurt to see what I'd become.
Nobody did...Not anyone who was around me constantly.

I turned to a friend who lived a few states away. He was a guy I'd only ever seen in person once. I still have one of his shirts. I came to him online one night, I'd cut the back of my arm a little deeper than normal. I was scared to death. He was there for me and listened to everything I had to say.

He didn't offer me anything big. Only a threat...more of a promise. Until I quit cutting, he would take any arm I did to myself, and do it to himself seven-fold. At the time I thought I was in love with him.
Mortified I threw out the razorblades I'd hidden in my room.

It was hard though. I went through such a rough period. I had two people nearly break my heart. I wanted to die, but I didn't want HIM to. I cut myself one last time. Two tiny things that hardly bled. My best friend told HIM.

I never talked to him again, but I did quit cutting. It took me a while but i learned that there are other people to think of. For me it wasn't release. It wasn't a manifestation of the pain inside. It was a habit. An addiction and a curse.

The best advice I can give is to talk to someone YOU care about. Tell them the trouble you're going through. Tell them you're scared or you've relapsed. It's a daunting task, but it's the best way to pull through.

Cutting is a dangerous habit. It's self-mutilation and it shouldn't be taken lightly. I know it's hard to admit you're doing it, but chances are you're scaring yourself too. Find a way, any way to stop the process. Chew gum when you want to cut. Flick your wrist with a rubberband, talk to someone.

It's  your life. Don't live it with regret.