Welcome again to another edition of Good Humor Monday in the Gather Essentials Writing Group. This marks the 9th week of Good Humor Monday, so you know what that means? Pop quiz!
That’s right, pop quiz hotshot. So put away your books and sharpen those number two pencils. Let’s see how well you’ve been paying attention.
Feel free to place your answers in the comments below or if you need more room, post your answers in an article and post it to the group. Who knows, I may even feature your test answers in the group (I'm crazy like that).
1. You’re standing on a street corner. Around you are a priest, a mime, a kitten, a duck, and Carol Channing. If you had to punch one of them, which would result in the greatest comedic effect? Provide justification for your choice, and remember there are no wrong answers. (Unless of course you choose the kitten. Seriously, who the hell would hit a kitten? What are you, some kind of sick, twisted, kitten-punching freak?)
2. Put the following animals in order from least to most funny: chicken, badger, squid, monkey, Dane Cook, gecko, cow.
3. True or False? The answer to this question is false. (paradoxical question inserted to prohibit the use of robots during this quiz)
4. Construct a joke containing of the following items: a head of cabbage, a box, former Washington D.C. Mayor Marion Barry, and a golden retriever. (for 5 bonus points, include Charlemagne)
5. True or False? Rednecks are the last form of racial stereotyping that is still considered socially acceptable to make fun of.
6. Dave Barry swears he's not
a. a crook
b. wearing any pants
c. making this up
d. butter
7. At 10:30am, John got in his car and drove west at 45 miles per hour for 35 minutes. At 10:45am, Steve breaks into John’s house. If John drives home at 60 mph, will Steve have enough time to crack John’s wall safe and steal his wide screen plasma television?
8. A supermodel falling down a flight of stairs sounds like:
a. dropping a sack of antlers
b. dropping a box of matches
c. Rosie O'Donnell's discard pile at an all you can eat ribs buffet
d. All of the above.
9. Create and define a new word (i.e. crotchfry - noun: A french fry that falls into your lap that you still eat.)
10. Put the following city names in order from least to most funny: Sheboygan, Walla Walla, Albuquerque, Timbuktu, Tupelo, Cleveland
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Comments: 19
1. The Mime. Hitting a mime is comedy gold. Although the thought of slugging Carol Channing is appealing.
2. Badger is the funniest word. Badger, Gecko, Squid, Monkey, Chicken, Cow. Dane Cook does not apply because he is not funny.
3. It is falsely true
4. Former DC Mayor Marion Barry and a golden retriever walk into a bar. The bartender is chopping up a head of cabbage and putting it into a box. On the jukebox is "Kid Charlemagne" by Steely Dan. The bartender says , "Hey, we don't serve dogs here" and the golden retriever tells Marion Barry to wait outside. Ba-dum-bum!
5. True
6. Dave Barry just swears a lot
7. Yes, because John will get arrested for doing 60 in a 45 zone.
8. A supermodel falling down a flight of stairs sounds like a good idea.
9. Springsteening – verb: to play a concert that lasts longer than a Scorsese movie.
10. Cleveland, Tupelo, Timbuktu, Albuquerque, Sheboygan, Walla Walla
And Sheboygan is slightly funnier than walla walla.
And "Pants" is also one of the funniest words ever.
2. cow, Dane Cook,squid,badger,monkey,chicken,gecko.
You left out gerbil and weasel. I bet you did that on purpose.
I'm assuming you placed your commas correctly. If not, I vote for the chicken badger and the squid monkey.
3. I'll be sending you a bill for robot repair.
4. Marion Barry is a joke all by himself. I don't need the other stuff.
5. No, I believe lawyers also fall into that category though many people do not understand that lawyers are a separate race, quite possiblly a separate species.
6. c. making this up
7. Time for those and his collection of Tailored Rubber Outfits catalogues.
8. Sounds like Mr. Moderator has way too much time on his hands ...
9. cyberhood, places like Gather; jet brag, when people try to impress you with where they've been
10. Cleveland, Albuquerque ,Tupelo, Timbuktu, Walla Walla, Sheboygan
Chris, thank you for making me waste another Monday morning laughing.
John, jet brag, that's a good one.
Other funny animal names (best said w/ a British Accent): Vole, Wombat, and Ocelot.
Jet Brag is a good one. I like that.
Gathernaut: noun: A person who navigates his/her way through Gather.
2. the kitten
3. a.
4. containing WHAT of the following. One? Two? Seven?
5. You mean blondes are off limits now?
6. a kitten
7. He keeps his TV in the safe?! What a dork!
8. A blonde supermodel I presume.
9. humorish. Not really humorous, but trying.
10. No
1. What is a duck doing on a street corner? Soliciting the kitten?
2. Dunno about funny. How about tasty: badger, monkey, gecko, squid, chicken, cow.
Don't ask me how I know this...
5. Only as long as the rednecks aren't around. Humour increases in inverse proportion to the risk of getting killed.
6. Whatever it is, he's lying.
7. You assume she figured out how to get up them in the first place.
2. I'm giving Dane Cook a bye. I've never heard of him. From least to most, cow, chicken, monkey, gecko, badger, squid.
I have evidence for the squid. Last year I posted a gig reminder to a local music mailing list and mentioned that audience members chosen at random would receive a live squid. I thought it was just a throw away gag. On the mailing list the squid gag lasted at least six months.
3. It depends.
4. Marion Berry walks into a vaudeville booking agent's office and says, "I have the most unbelievable act you've ever seen." The booker says, "Tell me about it."
Berry says, "It starts with me on stage by myself. I r*****e myself on stage and sit in it. Charlemagne walks out, takes a look, walks into the wings and comes back with a head of cabbage and a Coleman stove. He smears the cabbage with the material on the stage and proceeds to toast it on the camp stove set on high.
As the delightful scent of toasted seasoned cabbage wafts across the stage and through the house, a golden retriever walks out with a box in his mouth. He drops the box on the floor near Charlemagne and looks longingly at the cabbage."
The booking agent says, "That's enough. I thought I'd heard of every stupid, pointless act in the world. This is tasteless without being funny and is incoherent besides. Have you ever done this in public?"
Berry says, "Sure. Look, when you've got the Holy Roman Emperor and a dog in your act you can afford to sacrifice some production values."
5. Are you kidding? What about the British aristocracy?
6. All of the above.
7. Sure
8. Shuffling a brand new deck of cards.
9. Conkelveration. A patented method of storing sperm and ova.
10. I have no idea.
Frick is right, "pants" is the funniest word going.
Pantaloons is also very funny
ANSWER: Definatly Carol Channing. I just can't stand her. It would be funny as hell to punch her and watch all the beads scatter on the ground and watch her spill her martini as she scrambles to pick them all up.
2. Put the following animals in order from least to most funny: chicken, badger, squid, monkey, Dane Cook, gecko, cow.
ANSWER: Squid, Chicken, Dane Cook, Cow, Gecko, Badger, Monkey.
3. True or False? The answer to this question is false. (paradoxical question inserted to prohibit the use of robots during this quiz)
ANSWER: False.
4. Construct a joke containing of the following items: a head of cabbage, a box, former Washington D.C. Mayor Marion Barry, and a golden retriever. (for 5 bonus points, include Charlemagne)
ANSWER: Are you kidding? I haven't had my coffee yet. Besides. I like to read jokes, I'm not good at making them up. lol
5. True or False? Rednecks are the last form of racial stereotyping that is still considered socially acceptable to make fun of.
ANSWER: True...but unfair.
6. Dave Barry swears he's not
a. a crook
b. wearing any pants
c. making this up
d. butter
ANSWER: None of the above. He would lie and try to convince everyone he's not even a man.
7. At 10:30am, John got in his car and drove west at 45 miles per hour for 35 minutes. At 10:45am, Steve breaks into John's house. If John drives home at 60 mph, will Steve have enough time to crack John's wall safe and steal his wide screen plasma television?
ANSWER: What is this? Math class?
8. A supermodel falling down a flight of stairs sounds like:
a. dropping a sack of antlers
b. dropping a box of matches
c. Rosie O'Donnell's discard pile at an all you can eat ribs buffet
d. All of the above.
ANSWER: LMAO!!! ALL OF THE ABOVE
9. Create and define a new word (i.e. crotchfry - noun: A french fry that falls into your lap that you still eat.)
ANSWER: Gnatbox: It's what a woman's 'cookie' is called when she goes to the outhouse, sits down and it attracts gnats.
10. Put the following city names in order from least to most funny: Sheboygan, Walla Walla, Albuquerque, Timbuktu, Tupelo, Cleveland
ANSWER: Cleveland, Tupelo, Walla Walla, Albuquerque, Timbuktu, Sheboygan.