forgive and forget?

It is nearly the high holidays ..just two more days ..

The most important part of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year is admitting error and forgiving those of others, then there is the relationship with G-d, G-d knows that always seems to need a lot of work!

Am i spiritual enough?

Do i control my anger?

Am i a good role model for my children?

Questions, soul searching and then there is reality.

Reality recently hit hard as my sons came back from a visit with their dad who lives separately with the big news that he walks hand in hand with  his girlfriend, that  he kisses her, does not get angry at anything when she is around, and that he lives with her in a luxury apartement filled with expensive games like Nintendo..and she has two boys, one of them a teenager the other my middle son's age.

Rather than bring the soccer shoes the father took the boys to watch his girlfriend's son play a match, so my boys never made it to their match, and the trainer called asking where they were..

That night my middle son, the genuis that had finally fixed the computer and telephone now after a week of no connection to the world, cried  and cried  himself to sleep,

Why does his father live in a luxury apartment while we live in a small modest no thrill apartment.

It was perhaps the most difficult challenge of my life as a mother .

For  the past decade i have lived in a foreign country as i followed my heart to the cold heart of Europe, all this time i spent much too much energy trying to either protect the children and myself from the constant rain of violence or struggle to deny that things are that bad in between..

I had separated from my husband several times, gone back for that comfort zone and stability a household made up of a mother and father gives, well, for a very short time at least.

Again and again reality slapped me hard on the face, the violence will never cease, it will only get worse .

One particular awful moment was last September when my husband in separation ( we had officially separated in December 2005) stormed in my apartment, i was just getting out of  the shower and had a towel wrapped around my body , he grabbed me and  as he is  1 meter 90 and weighs 100 kilograms it was impossible to resist, i  begged him to stop and reminded him he is a teacher, he  shook me, hit me , and  then bit me very hard on my arm leaving a large red and purple bruise and his teeth marks!

The police came, i went to the station with my  10 year old daughter, and my boys had been taken by my husband. 

I spent 4 hours giving the detective investigating all the details , 

it was supposed to be the sabbath day, i was planning to dress and go to the synagogue, it was not my husband's day , 

the police would not go after my husband, there had been too many complaints already, they said, then they stopped reacting, i did not sleep or eat till sunday night when the boys all of the sudden showed up.

Now it is September 2007, a year later, i am still waiting a court date for the trial, as my husband has been accused of bodily harm..

meanwhile i receive a letter from social services dictating to me dates on which my husband in separation may see the children, according to his schedule of course..

My attempts to speak to the social worker as well as a call from the children's doctor this March about blue marks on my middle son's chest urging her to act went without a reaction!

Sometimes i am so angry i can not speak or eat or sleep, i just stare at the tree outside my window and count the years till my kids will be grown up and free to choose, where to go, who to spend their time with and most important , not to get hit!

I read my old copy of "why bad things happen to good people" by Rabbi Kushnir ,

I am not sure i am a good person but i know i have always been attentive to my behavior and have sought to repent, to ask forgivness of people i have hurt but now it has come to the point where i ask how much more can i take?

My mother escaped Europe at around the same age my oldest child is now, she had suffered abuse from fellow class mates, had to go along with laws segragating her from the general public based on her religion alone, she was not allowed to sit on park benches, etc. etc.

When my mother came to Israel in 1941 on the last train leaving Slovakia it was clear:

No more victim!

Life in the holy land got complicated and it gets more and more complicated with the years however as long as there are people that are continually exemining their actions, asking forgivness, trying to be better human beings, there is hope.

I can not forgive someone who has not ever admitted an injury, 

i will therefore go to my children at this time and tell them i am trying to do my best to protect them, to show them the right way to live, to keep away from violence and evil ways.

Evil is a strong word but how can a teacher who works with children every day attack his own children and their mother and not even once ask forgiveness?

How can i get an e.mail, saying, "We tried living together but that did not work so i am now in a new relationship"

That's it!

 that is the only explanation i get after i had to go to the hospital with a 4 year old child with a broken arm (we do not intervene in family life said the chief doctor)

after i had been to emergency three times for various injuries

and i have to deal with the children's hurt and pain while everyone in the system, child therapist and lawyer deny.

Denial of injury done is probobly the  opposite of that self exemination, that looking into  the heart .

I have not been a model mom, i have had to give limits in nasty tones , since nothing else seems to move things, i have had to compromise my ideals,

Life is not an ideal, i can not always be there for my children loving and accepting ,

I am a human being too and i do not forgive my husband in separation his violent acts

nor will i ever .

I will not forgive a man that instead of making sure his children have a home, got us evicted 5 times in 10 years

Most of the time i do not forgive myself for not being patient enough with the children and for being too patient with my husband.

What is it that makes family no matter what and under any condition a must ?

Why did i let those media images of a perfect life; mother , father and children invade my thoughts and take over?

I need first of all to forgive myself  but before that i need to make amends to my children and ask their forgivness for not always understanding, for being angry, for pushing too hard.

This morning i had to practically pull my youngest son out of bed , i got angry with he cursed at me, i yelled and how but that had to be done,

it is so hard being the bad witch while their father seems like father christmas most of the time playing with the boys soccer and computer games and showering them with sweets so that if he loses it sometimes and yells , it wont matter, after a week kids forget but my every deed is calculated and measures and G-d help me should i stray off the right way..

A religious  Jewish oman told me a while ago, what did you expect from your husband? its hard to be  a Jew.  why ask of a nonjewish man so much?who wants to be a Jew?

For all the turmoil and self exemination and holidays and traditions , i do, i want to raise my hand and stand accounted for, 

well lately i have decided  that actually yes, i want to be Jewish and take out the drawers of my closet every year and exemine the content, and go through all the deeds and ask forgivness of those that i have injured, but never of those that have injured me.

We are each born into a culture and there we learn how to be and who to be, 

a Jewish legend has it that all the generations that came before us are watching and if we do wrong, they make us feel that, they shout and yell and cry and then we suffer, on the other hand if we act in good ways , if we are good people, then they are happy and cheer us on and then we feel happy too.

I want to  be able to face myself in the mirror every morning and say:

I am doing my best to be the best person i can be.

To empty the drawers of my mind and look at the content and be proud to be me.
 

To forgive myself what i can not seem to be able to :

to have put my children through all this , because i was too stubborn and blind to admit failure, too proud to admit: i made a mistake, i should have never married that man or stayed with him One night after he had hit me, no compromise, because nothing can ever be fixed once it is broken to pieces , trust is like that , once it is shattered , it can never be glued again unless there is a true and honest acceptance of responsibilty and a dedication to mend one's ways.

I am not angry my husband in separation is with another woman, i am angry he never tried to make it better, never spoke one word that expressed sorrow or regret, on the contrary he always pointed the finger to me. Look at yourself!

I do not want to be like that, i want to look at myself without someone point their finger and to know myself enough to have limits so that no one can walk all over my grass and wipe his feet with my dignity, 

no more victim, no more accepting abuse, no more forgiving and forgetting the injuring party but always forgive myself because i am only human, am sometimes weak and we all make mistakes, the trick is to know when to stop making them!