Teens in abusive relationships

Thank you for these reminders. It's truly heart breaking the situation that happened in your town. Parents have a right to know what is going on with their kids and as parents, it's our job to protect and teach children.

And there are places and people you can go to to get help! You don't deserve to be treated as an object, or a piece of property! Excessive jealousy, constantly controlling your friends and who you associate with. Trying to isolate you from family and friends. These are all WARNING signs!! Please get help! whether you are 14 or 40, PLEASE get help. There are abuse lines all over the country, and they can direct you to the people that can help you and best protect you.

Sad , Sad Story

Tragic! Carol I hope teens, and adults alike reevaluate their attractions, and developing relationships. Thanks for speaking out.

Nearly twenty years of teaching gives you a pretty good inside view of the dating process and its mutations. I knew of girls who put up with radical crap from their boyfriends just because they knew he would make their lives unbearable if they did not. I don't know if the bigger high schools have less of a problem with reputational smearing than smaller ones because I only worked in smaller ones. Abuse does not just have to be physical and not being untouched these days is not the stigma I faced as a teenager in the 1960s. Some girls will date a guy and find out what a heel he is and stay because he is the guy everybody wants or an athlete others listen to. He tells his friends about how "good" she is even if he has never been there to confirm that fact and the girl ends up raped by one of his friends who thinks she is easy because the buddy keyed him into what a great party girl she is. We had one incident that was quietly hushed up where some of the football players had a contest going to see which guy could sleep with the most girls on a list they prepared of not-so-desirable girls. Their entire purpose was to sleep with these girls and pass around the fun until someone called a halt to it. Thankfully one of the coaches heard some talk one day and decided to check out the "make-out" place they had mentioned and caught one of them in the process of seducing a 9th grader that she would have no life at the school if she did not let it happen. He would tell people they had done it even if they didn't so she might as well "play nice." Unfortuantely there were about 10 girls they did not rescue and some of the guys were sent to other relatives to live so they did not have to stay around for the eventual backlash. It isn't that uncommon for it to happen on a smaller scale in any high school.

This is a very frightening, harsh reality. It further stresses the importance of good communication between parents and teens.

Very frightening, thanks for making us aware

thanks for sharing...

Why would any parent ALLOW their 16 yr old to go out with a man that age....that's a pediphile if you ask me.

One of the things that made me proudest as a mom was when my kids' came home one day all concerned about a friend of theirs who was involved with some guy that was treating her as a possession.

They went on at length about the fact that she shouldn't put up with it, etc, etc.... given that I was a single mom and they did not have a consistant male role model in their lives... their interactions with guys was something I worried about... but they both 'got' the message that women deserve to be treated with respect.

This is such a tragedy. There is a wondeful organization and movement for young men. The website is http://www.mystrength.org/
It is education and support for young men on how to treat women with respect, and recognizing abuse, date rape and developing nonabusive men.

Tragic story!

That is horrible and scary too. I am doing my best to raise my children that women and men need to be treated with respect. I don't really think that my husband will put up with any guy that doesn't treat my daughter well. But I am not at the teenager years yet. Frankly the teenager years kind of scare me to death!

That is so sad and so tragic about the sixteen year old girl. I know her parents must be devastated by what happened!
You are SO right about rage and jealousy not equaling love!!
Great article.

Horrible, just horrible. I have to say thank you for telling us about this. Your article is an excellent eye opener and a great public service announcement!

What a sad state of affairs when we attempt to call our police protectors and they are too late to respond. Not sure what I would have done. Now I am ver sad for the parents and the young lady.

The age difference is the RED FLAG. But, trying to influence a teenager is like picking up bird poo-poo with boxing gloves on!!! Not a chance.

Thanks for sharing this awful outcome with us, Carol.

pj

Any one who is threatening harm to you or a family member may be killed as self-defense. I don't care what state it is. I agree Carol, I would have killed him in a heartbeat as soon as there was any type of threat to my child. Rather be in jail if that's the case than my child in the morgue.

Very very scarey.

How tragic!

I would certainly agree that a parent in that situation would want to kill the kidnapper but not everyone has a gun in their house to do that.

Makes me very happy that my only child is now an adult in a happy marriage to a wonderful woman.

How in the world did those parents let that girl have a boyfriend that age? Why didn't they teach that girl at a young age. Why didn't they have him arrested for statutory rape before things went so far? I was not there so I don't know. They may have done every thing they could but teens do have their own minds and do rebel and do make bad choices.

In this situation the age difference was a sure sign. But I know from experience with my youngest, teens will do what they want, and if they see you are right about something they hide it.
I personally like putting the fear of God into all.

In a world where teens are searching for relationships outside the family unit,they are in unknown territory.Not enough is emphasized about relationships in school at an early age.There is no Psyche 101.We need to prepare our kids for a stable lifestyle and cover all the bases.This similar situation happened close here about 2 weeks ago.And thats just what hits the news.There is a SERIOUS lack or black hole,if you will,where teens are entering the world unprepared for coping skills.I am sure we can all relate to an instance where a family unit is or was in trouble.We arent all dysfunctional!Just no preparation to meet todays fast lifestyle.It has changed SO much in just 10 years.

I have two concerns here. The first, which was mentioned a time or two, is that the parents of the girl seemed to allow her to date a 35 year old man. I am in NO way blaming the parents, please believe me, but how could THEY have failed to see the red flag. To a teenage girl, an older man is exciting. They think that they can handle the situation when they just don't have the maturity and expertise to do so.
My second concern is with how dismally we are failing our girls in this culture. There must be some way to teach girls that they deserve to be treated better than this. Some girls seem weaker than others, but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with socioeconomic status or race. Maybe it's genetic or even (I'm anticipating a firestorm of response here) hormonal. If there is some kind of a biological reason for our girls to accept this kind of treatment, what's to be done about it? How do we teach our girls that strong women are beautiful women, and that any man worth having wants a woman who won't take anyone's crap, even his?
Back to the hormone thing...there are a couple of recent studies that seem to indicate that the way a girl or woman responds to her environment is directly dependent on her hormones....wait, that isn't exactly right. The way she PERCEIVES her environment is hormonally based. I shouldn't even bring it up because I can't cite my source off the top of my head...it's one of those things that I read somewhere and it made me so mad that I looked into more. I'm not sure I'm buying into it hook, line and sinker, but there seems to be some validity. Give me some time and I can come up with my sources.

Way too many issues in the article to be addressed in a comment. Thank you for your awareness of the issues and thank you to all who offered suggestions.

thanks for sharing this with us ......

what a heartbreaking story!

we must pay attention to our children,,,guide them if they like it or not,,,it's our job,,,this didn't have to happen,,,and yet,,,it does,,,when we lose control, our children change,,,and are lost,,, I lost one at 30,,, it's hard work but,,,it's our job,,,

That is so sad.
I've been in multiple abusive relationships. All of them were my age or a year above or below me... It's really awful, but hard to get out of...

I'll keep her family in my prayers.

We really do need to teach our daughters to respect themselves. We also need to teach our sons to respect women and themselves.

That is horrible.

Wow, I am having flashbacks! I dated someone much older and abusive when I was in high school. Of course, I kept the relationship from my parents until he broke my arm. There was no hiding that and it ended, thank gosh!

I think this story is sad. I hope and pray the parents had no idea the daughter was dating such an older man. Who knows if they had a gun in their house. But I will say when it comes time for my daughter to date. If I find out the person is older. I will put a stop to it. We also own a couple of guns. So if someone threatens us with a gun. They had better be prepared to shoot everyone dead. Or they will be.

Gwen,
Did the police get him? Did anybody get him? I'm angry all over again. My father was abusive, and he died alone. I wouldn't go to his funeral. He appologized on his deathbed. Go figure.

Thanks Carol.....with my history with exs....the guy that tries todte my little girl will be on shaky ground

This is very sad. :(

sad