Which of These Issues Would Keep you From Marrying Someone?

All those things and several others would put a nix on marriage plans. Couples should definately see a counselor.

I agree with De. I've seen all those things be regular causes of divorce. I think of my own marriage as a partnership. My husband is my life partner. If our value's and life's goals didn't agree, I don't think we'd have the amazing marriage that we do.

I guess on any of them it would entirely depend on how vast the difference in ideals is. For example, would I marry somebody who did not belong to my church, yes. Would I marry somebody who thought my beliefs were a joke, or way off base, or worse, an abomination? I doubt that could be worked out as well. If you have communication skills, most things can reach a comprimise, which is part of marriage. Partnership, and cooperation mean a lot.

Financial Issues: Do you think couples should meet with a financial counselor before marriage? not unless you have major sharing issues. But you should have an understanding of both parties finances and expectations.

Religious differences, can be over come with the right attitude and agreements before hand.

Whether to have kids or not and how many - definately should be discussed and agreed upon, don't think the other person will change their mind later or something.

Sexual values and differences - well they should agree on a monogomous relationsship and at least have a basic knowledge of their partners expectations.


Finally, do you believe in premarital counseling or not? nope, but I had to do it in order to get married. there were no surprises in those meetings.

Denise - We didn't do premarital counseling either. I don't think it affected things. We've been married a long time. Discussions can't really prepare you for the many unexpected events, the real shockers (death, serious illness). You just hope you have married someone who can ride out the goods and bads, offering support and comfort to each other.

The kids issue would be a factor and the sexual values and differences would definitly factor in on whether or not to marry. I won't marry someone who will cheat on me. The others can be overcome and I did have a little premarital counseling with my husband and our preacher.

Those are definately marriage deciding factors!

i think they all are factors

I've been married so long it is strange to think about these things. I think the kids/no kids is a real deal breaker. Sometimes, one person can't have children...but, that is different. You should certainly discuss if you want kids before you are married. I think religion is also something that should be discussed if you are of different faiths. As for finances, I guess if you can tell you view things differently...counseling is a good idea. Sexual differences (I'm not sure exactly what you mean) should certainly be discussed if there is something to discuss before marriage. As for pre-marital counseling, I don't think it is necessary if you have dated the person for a long period of time, and really know each other.

I don't think kids are an issue if people are open to adoption. Many couples are not.

Those just about cover the tough iissues. Next would be leaving the seat down, rising out a glass after you drink milk out of it, and not drinking out of the milk carton.

I would never marry someone that wanted me to convert to their religion (or ANY religion for that matter).

Luckily, my fiance is very private with his religious beliefs.

I've talked about all these issues with my children. I think they could each have the potential formarital difficulties, but shouldn't prevent a marriage. I think premarital counseling should be a requirement!

First of all, I would definitely advise couple to do the premarital counseling. There is so much to consider and when a couple are young and in love, their heads are often so far in the clouds they cannot see the ground. All of these things could be important. I believe the children issue is very important and something the couple needs to agree upon..

I definitely advise premarital counseling. I think all the issues you mentioned can be a deal breaker or maker depending on the opinions of both parties involved.

none of the above that you mentioned I would support.

As good communications skill is all that would be required in my opinion.

Well...these are all excellent points to consider, but sometimes love is blind. I've been married 36 years. I had just turned 19 years old, and my husband was almost 20. We grew together regardless of any differences that we never thought to discuss.

I don't know if I could condone pre-marital counseling, but I guess it depends on the couple. If they're both progressive people that are determined to make the "right" decision and see it as a valuable step, then it should be done. Financial counseling, ehhhh, well, I think everything needs to be out on the table and then they can decide if counseling is necessary. Kids and sexual values or differences are big things. Now if there are any virgins left in this world at marriage, how would they know their sexual differences at that point? They may know their values, but perhaps the "differences" wouldn't rear their ugly head until later. There's just no way to fully prepare for that. Feelings about kids is VERY important. If a one goes into a relationship with someone who wants kids and the someone doesn't want them it could mean trouble. If both parties are indifferent it may work because some people still change their minds as they grow. I like Cecile's response in that people are always changing and growing and what they believed or wanted when they were young may fluctuate - and many things just can't be planned. Do you really want you life that "scripted"? Personally, I don't mind the natural flow of things because most are due to happen for a reason.

I think have an advisor mediate these questions could really help couples decide where they want their lives to go, together or not. Whether it would change their minds...I don't know.

Money: If this is a dealbreaker, you really can't love him/her. Who they are when you meet them has to be something you can live with. If you are hoping they'll become ambitious or something later, that's not loving who they are. If you have a minimum financial criteria, you've lost sight of what marriage is about.

Religious differences: These are only important if one of you feels they need to "convert" the other. If both of you can accept the other and respect each other's beliefs, it shouldn't be an impediment.

Children: This can be a deal breaker, but only depending on whether you/the other WANTS children. You should never force someone who doesn't want children to have them (coerce, coax, etc). And if someone wants children with all his/her heart, don't think expect that will change if you don't. If someone CAN'T have children, that's different. There are several options: surrogacy, adoption, etc. It can be overcome and you can give a child a family.

Sexual values and differences: Not sure what you mean, but, if you mean fidelity, my only thought is that you must be (a)in agreement with what you want and (b) always ALWAYS honest with your partner. If both are comfortable with infidelity (and that happens), that's up to them. But if you agree to be faithful, that's what you should strive for. Either way, it can only work if you're honest.

Premarital counseling: I don't think much of this. If you feel this is important, perhaps you are making a mistake. If you don't, though, it could go either way. You have to live with the consequences.

The best advice I could give anyone getting married: Are you honest with him/her or yourself? Can you imagine your future without him/her? Do you enjoy his/her company even when you're not being physical? Is he/she your best friend? Do you truly love him/her? If the answer isn't yes to all of these, wait and learn more.

What I don't get is why financial problems are one of the main causes of a marriage breaking up. We have had our financial highs and lows but I always felt we were truly doing our best at that point in time.

For instance, he could not help it when he had to have knee surgery and stay off his feet and he could only do so much work via computer. I could not help it when I had complications during my pregnancy and was put on bed rest, keeping me from my usual job. We had savings, of course, but we still had to budget carefully and not get things we might otherwise have bought without a thought - a cup of coffee here, a magazine there. Yes, it got THAT tight. So what? The love was our ballast.

These are all great points. Financially my husband and I pinch pennies, however I would not be happier with anyone else. He always says to me, "Honey, we haven't got alot of money, but we've got alot of love."
I also agree with what a few other said: that communcation/honesty/trust are all very important deciding factors also.

So many of my friends had marriages which ended in divorce. It seems there should be some workable solution before the wedding which will give both parties a clue as to what they're in for. There has to be some solid rock to build the marriage on. It's not, "yea, I'm cool with that." Cool today doesn't mean cool tomorrow. A solid belief, however, is an indication of what's ahead.

For example, people often turn back to their childhood roots of religious upbringing later in life. How will it play out if both parties have conflicting beliefs? What about finances? She believes in paying the bills first and then buy the extras. He feels the double income should be able to cover any bills. What happens if either party can no longer work? Will he adopt her principles and pay the bills first or will he continue spending as he did previously?

Children - there's another hot issue. How many? If unable, will adoption be acceptable? There used to be an expression regarding "Having an understanding" before marriage. Jane Austin viewers will be familiar with it. Not only should the understanding be about marriage being in the works, each party should know A LOT about the other.

'What I don't get is why financial problems are one of the main causes of a marriage breaking up. We have had our financial highs and lows but I always felt we were truly doing our best at that point in time.'

Jane, One of the primary reasons women marry a man is for security. And that includes financial security. And when that isn't there the woman most likely will split and try to find that security elsewhere.

Not me, Richard, not me. I married a teacher. Enough said. I married for love and I'm still in love.

DH and I had a good marriage from 1976 until he died in 2005. What I say comes from experience and from the experiences of others.

Do you think couples should meet with a financial counselor before marriage?
Couples should have a basic agreement about their financoa values. Disagreement about money is one of the top sources of marital fighting (sex is the other). Couples must share values here or it's a dealbreaker. It isn't necessary to see a separate financial counselor if they are getting good overall counseling.

Many churches provide and require good counseleing both befiore and immediately after marriage as part of being married in that church. Some churches, through their board of deacons or similar, provide help for people who need better budgeting skills. Make use of these resources. Do not marry nybody whose values are opposite yours; there will be to many fights and can lead to dovirce, as in the case of some couples I have known.

Religious differences

Absolute dealbreaker if one of the couple is a devout person of faith. Everything that is truly important must be shared or there will be an empty space in the relationship that will lead to sorrow. To th person who suggested that not sharing faith being a dealbreaker means the love isn't true, I think you must be too young and inexperienced to know what you are talking about. When something really matters to you, it must be shared to make the relationship work for many decades to come.

Whether to have kids or not and how many

Absolutely important. People have oo muh emotion tied up in this Never try to persuadeyourself taht you'll change the other's mind.

Sexual values and differences

It is very iimportant to agree.

Finally, do you believe in premarital counseling or not?

100% yes! If you have never been married before, then this is very important preparation, education. I encourage people to go to Engaged Encounter.

I strongly believe that everyone should go for counseling before marriage. You don't know what you don't know until someone helps you ask the right questions. Financial disagreements is the number one reason that Americans divorce. Second to that, people go into marriage with a head full of assumptions that their dating life with the other person tells the tale of what he/she will be like as a mate. Well, . . . maybe. But why wouldn't you avail yourself the chance to start off married life with the most important information on the table? Married life should be about great communication between partners. Counseling is a gift to all parties. Good discussion.

Any of these things could upset a relationship depending on how important the issue was for the couple. If you are very religious, it might be important that your partner share or respect your views.

I am not sure about the financial counseling. How each partner relates to money can be as important as the rest of the list. If there is any doubt about financial holdings, I think a prenuptial is the way to go and forget the conseling.

If you have issues...obviously you have problems. I think that communication is key.

I wouldn't marry someone that wanted kids....in fact if they had younger kids already, I would have to do some soul searching.

I think that it is pretty much impossible to find someone that thinks exactly like you do and fits all of your other critirea that you may have. I had to adjust mine to go with the no kids thing, most men my age either have them or want them. There are trade-offs in every relationship, counseling can help you realize what really matters to you and what is just a pipe dream.