My dog died

I woke up Sunday morning to an unusually quiet house.  No scratching at the door no whinning to be let out.  Filled with dread I walked around the house till I found him on the stairs. I pleaded with God to let him be just sleeping but I knew he was not.  I called to him and then went and patted his head but there was no responce.  He was gone.   I am not sure if he fell down the stairs and died, died and fell down the stairs, or if he just fell asleep there and died, but thats where I found him. I know he was 17 and I knew he was dying.  The vet told me months ago to put him down. I couldn't bear the thought of him being gone then and I HATE it now that it has come to pass.

 I knew we would have to bury him before the kids got up; I didn't want them to see him like that.  My husband and I carried him out under the aspen trees and laid him to rest there.   I was crying too hard to be of much help but I did what I could.  We were not quite done when I heard the kids were up .  I went in and told them and got them dressed.  We all went out to say our good byes.  He was gone.

I know he was 17 and that is really old for a dog but I still loved him and thought (foolishly) he was getting better.  But I was wrong.  He knew he was dying and he did not want to come in that night, he always wanted to come in, that was not like him at all.  I should have known, but I had my blinders on.  He hadn't eaten that night and his bowl is still full.  I can't seem to go put it all away.  I know he is gone but I don't want hime to be.  I have had him longer than I have been married, longer than I have had kids.  He was my first baby.  With his unconditional love and his constant protection and devotion he was my friend. 

 My husband just wants a dog in the house.  He dosen't get too attached.  He wanted to go that day and get "a dog".  A replacement.  A dog so I am not alone, for protection, and as an early warning system for the bears and mountain lions in our area.  And in the most practical sence I know a dog is a good animal to have around but I don't know if I can go through this experience again.  I loved that dog.  He was a part of my family not just a dog, not just a pet.  I grieve for him, I cry for his loss.  I dont want "a dog" I want my Bradley back.

I am sure my husband or my kids will bring home a dog some day all too soon; but he will not be a replacement, not for Bradley, he can't be replaced. The "new dog" will be a faimly pet, not "mom's dog".  I just hope I can love this new dog half as much as I loved my Bradley; if so, in time, we will all be fine.  I am just not ready yet.