Last weekend sucked. This weekend wasn’t much better emotionally. Although I kept myself far busier than I did last weekend, as soon as I walked in the house and was alone to my thoughts, I broke down.
Friday was my last “Summer Friday,” a privilege my company gives us. It pretty much means we get half day Friday’s in the summer. I went to have lunch with my mom and we then went to Saks to pick something up. I then went home. As soon as I got home, I got upset. I started thinking about how I should be going to Philadelphia the following day and how much I wanted to call Matt. I began looking at pictures of the two of us together and had an incredible yearning just to hold is hand or link arms or kiss him on the cheek.
Saturday I spent the day with my friend Ashley at the Museum of Natural History. We saw the Mythic Creatures exhibit which I was disappointed by and of course we saw all of the dinosaur bones. We subway hopped all over the city and had dinner at an Italian restaurant on Bleecker Street called Spaghetto. We window shopped in SoHo then each went home. I got home Saturday night and once again broke down. All I wanted was for him to be lying in bed next to me, snuggled close.
Sunday I woke up early to go to Woodbury Common outlet center with my mom. We had a beautiful day and although it was super crowded, we did well. I got a gorgeous beaded shirt-waste dress at Prada (which I am wearing now), a white Kate Spade leather handbag (I had been looking for a white handbag all summer and this bag was perfect), black patent leather Tory Burch shoes (these particular shoes are being sold at full price at the stores in NY for $250 and they had the same ones at the outlet for $135), and a Giorgio Armani sweater. My mom got a Miu Miu (by Prada) trendy silver belt. Despite the good day, and the retail therapy, I was still upset upon my return home. I order a pizza and cried again. I cried myself into a deep sleep.
I woke up Monday morning feeling ok. I e-mailed Matt to see how is weekend went and to let him know I was doing better (although my weekends are still rough). I even signed up for J-Date again. Although I was hesitant, I thought it was the right thing to do. Even if I didn’t go on a date right away, just talking to other guys might help me a little bit. It is a step in the right direction although I still felt guilty for doing it. It was almost as if I was cheating on Matt. I went to the gym, came home and just watched tennis on TV the rest of the day, while chit-chatting with J-Daters.
Matt e-mailed me back to let me know he got in a lot of work and a ton of studying, also pausing to inform me that even if he were to do no work for the rest of September, he’d be the #1 guy in the company. However, I know he’ll still be plugging along with work and CFA studying nonetheless. He told me he’d be up in the NYC area for a meeting in a couple of weeks and we should get together. He also told me not to be sad and apologized yet again for any pain he caused me. His intention was never to hurt me. I e-mail him back saying that I was happy he got so much done over the long weekend and that I know he’ll pass his exam with flying colors. I also said the following:
Yes, my weekdays are better but my weekends are still tough. It’s hard when something that has been so good for 8 months just ends. I need to get used to a new routine that doesn’t include someone who has been so close to me for so long. No matter how much I want the feeling to go away, I can’t make it go away overnight, although I wish I could because I hate feeling like this. There are so many things that I miss and I am constantly craving those things, and it’s hard knowing that I’ll won’t have them again. Stop apologizing. Stop being sorry. I know that it was something that had to be done and although I wish I could do or say something to change it, I know I can’t. The pain will go away with time but for right now it’s still here.
I told him to enjoy the rest of his holiday and study hard and that we’d talk soon.
Of course I started crying. I cried as soon as he said that his intention was not to hurt me.
Anyway…I think overall I’m doing better but I still get sad when I think of all of those things I’m missing. I thank my lucky stars that I’m not completely indulging in food because that would be a major problem, and I think it is a step in the right direction that I signed onto J-Date again, even if it doesn’t feel like the totally right thing to do. I’m also happy that Matt and I are communicating…we have 2 other times aside from the e-mail correspondence this weekend.
I hope everybody else had a good Labor Day weekend!