Missing Out on Life

     Most of my life I've been overweight.  I went from pleasingly plump to morbidly obese.  How did I end up this way?  I racked my brain and recalled a picture of me when I was about 3 or 4 and I was really skinny.  I was maybe just a tad underweight.  When I was a baby, my mother was told that I would not live long due to a heart problem.  One side was enlarged.  She was told to bring me back if I was still alive in a month.  She kept bringing me back until finally they said it was a misdiagnosis.  Well, I guess she didn't want me to be underweight and so she told me to finish everything on my plate, but she put more on the plate that I could eat.  I'm not trying to blame my mother for this.  She came from a very loving place with this new rule.  I just kept putting too much food on my plate and finishing it. 

      During the school years I was just a little overweight and so I was able to be just as active as I wanted.  I just had to put up with the teasing.  Then as a teenager I, of course, went on many diets and did lose those excess pounds for a while.  As an adult, it became harder and harder and after I had my daughter it was even worse.  The pounds kept creeping up.  Yes, I found Medifast, (lost 100 pounds and put it all back on and more); Weight Watchers, all kinds of shakes that you find in stores and everything else that you can think of.  Nothing worked.

     Now I am 50 years old and weigh enough to be almost considered handicapped.  I can still walk and do most things for myself.  I have to have my husband and daughter do a lot for me.  I've been looking back on my life and think to myself, where was I?  I took a backseat in my own life because I didn't feel worthy enough to really live my life.  I watched others go on rides at Six Flags because I couldn't fit in the seat.  There always had to be certain steps taken in order for me to go anywhere.  I had to have a seat belt extender to be able to ride in an airplane.  (How embarrassing)  There were so many fun opportunities that I missed out on when my daughter was younger.  I'm sure that I missed many a good job opportunity based on my outward appearance.   There is so much bigotry and hatred for the overweight that it scares me.  I feel like I did something wrong.  I'm so ashamed of being this overweight that I really struggled with writing this article.

      My friend told me about a lap band procedure and how she had other friends who had it and they were doing so much better and lost a lot of weight.  I started investigating the lap band and found that it was the least invasive procedure and could be reversed if necessary.  My doctor deflated my balloon when he told me that it was a good option but there wasn't anyone doing it in my area and the closest was a 6-hour drive, one way.  I had to wait for about a year and then I started to see commercials for it my area.  I went back to my doctor and he said fine then we need to make sure that you are able to withstand the surgery.  They needed to make sure that my heart, lungs, kidneys and so forth were up for this.  Well, that's when all heck broke loose.  I started not being able to breathe very well and it got worse.  It seemed like my whole body was bloated.  I ended up in the hospital for a week getting the fluid drained out of my body because of congestive heart failure.  They had to put me on oxygen 24/7 after that.  I thought everything was better so I went back to my cardiologist and she said there was a problem in my heart.  One side is enlarged and it was an electrical problem, not like cholesterol.  This must have been the problem with my heart all along but no one saw it until now.  So, I end up back in the hospital to get a pacemaker/defibulator.  This solved a lot of my problems. 

     Then there is the 3-month wait that my insurance company put me through.  It ended up being almost 6 months from the time that I went to the clinic and started the whole procedure.  All in all I've invested a total of about 3 years and gone through all kinds of medical examinations, operations, doctors and insurance woes.  I almost didn't get the lap band because of a time problem.  I have to be back at work because my short-term disability is up.  I had to work fast to get it done. 

     Last Monday I was able to finally get it done.  I am so happy that I could almost cry.  I was told that this was the easy part and now the hard part begins.  I don't believe that because I think I was put through this obstacle course to see how much determination I have and I feel like I won.  Now my life begins and I won't be missing out anymore.