No One Likes a Nag

"It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman."---Proverbs 21:9 (AMP)

"People have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be, not what you nag them to be."---Scudder N. Parker

Have you ever seen the movie, "Shall We Dance?" starring Jennifer Lopez, Susan Sarandon and Richard Gere?  If you haven't I won't give the storyline away, but there was something that Susan's character said that I think is worth noting.  Now bear with me: The revelation caught me a little off guard, so I will be paraphrasing a bit:

Someone said to her, "If so many people are unfaithful, if so many people are unhappy, then why do so many people still get married?"

(Side note: Now, I personally think there is a book's worth of answers to this question but the one she gave provoked some thought).

"With over a billion people on this earth, all of us are looking for someone who cares about every detail of our lives...the good and the bad.  All of us are looking for someone who will be in our corner no matter what.  Marriage provides that assurance."

Correction: Marriage should provide that assurance.  What I liked about Susan's sentiment is that it simply and yet profoundly expressed one of the benefits to a truly, committed relationship.  In a lot of our connections with people, she's right that many may only address one aspect of our lives (our work, our ministry, etc.), but when you decide to join all of your human trinity (mind, body, spirit) with another, that makes you one (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5-6), which means whatever matters to them should matter just as much to you, whether you like it or not, whether you feel like it or not.  And yet, just last week alone, I spoke with five people who feel like their mates don't truly care about them---their needs, their wants, their concerns. 

That prompted me to do a little research.  First, I decided to look up the top reasons for why marriages fail.

Crosswalk.Com provided this insight:

Six Factors That Destroy Marriages

Following are the six primary factors that destroy marriages. They are commonly found in natural, human relationships:

•1.       Couples fail to anticipate differences resulting from diverse cultural backgrounds, differing family experiences, gender, and so on.

•2.       Couples buy into the notion of a "fifty-fifty" relationship, meaning they honestly expect their spouses to meet them halfway.

•3.      Society has taught us that mankind is basically good. Therefore, couples fail to anticipate their self-centered natures that demand their own way.

•4.       Couples fail to cope with life's trials. When painful trials come into the marriage, instead of standing together through them, couples tend to blame each other or think something is wrong with the spouse and the way they handle the pain.

•5.       Many people have a fantasy view of love. They quickly feel stuck with an unloving person and become deceived into believing that the next one will be better.

•6.       Many people lack a vital relationship with Jesus Christ. It could be that they have never come to a specific point in time when they asked Christ into their lives and therefore He has no impact on the marriage relationship.

Marriages.Familes.Com said this:

•1)      Lack of trust; the number one reason that couples get divorced. The answer to this dilemma is humor and validation. Do something every day for your spouse to show them that they are the only one for you. Deescalate the situation with humor, but not sarcasm. Women tend to begin to feel that they aren't attractive to their husbands after the first child is born; men tend to feel they aren't as attractive as they get older. If you keep vigilant for these warning signs, you need never worry that your marriage will end up as a negative statistic.

•2)     Lack of communication; this could easily be number one, as it is the most important aspect of your marriage. Many times marriages tend to settle down after the first two to three years, and the long walks and talks give way to yelling reminders to each other as you leave for work. "Don't forget to pick up the kids!" replaces " How can we spend some time together?" And don't forget the villain, silence. Just because you know what she's going to say doesn't mean that you shouldn't talk about it anyway.

•3)      Marrying too soon; this is one of the top three of why marriages fail for a reason. Often, usually because people don't want to live out their lives lonely and panic. Please, get to know your intended as well as possible before popping the question. While there are instances and stories of young lovers marrying soon after meeting and those marriages lasting a lifetime, the truth is that most do not.

•4)      Fear of Intimacy; this problem is also along the lines that believing if you marry someone it will change them, or that if you only love them "enough" things will work out. If either of you have fear of intimacy issues, work them out in therapy or couples counseling before you get engaged. This is one of the reasons that people of religious faith often recommend pre-marriage counseling for young couples.

•5)      Unrealistic Expectations; this rates number five because it is so easy to fix. When two people are in love, the saying "Love is blind" is usually true. The answer is clear communication before you get engaged as to what each of you expects out of the institution of marriage. For instance, if the two of you are realistically going to need to work in order to provide for the household, it is equally unrealistic for her to expect to be provided for while she stays home to run the house as it is for him to insist that no wife of his is going to work. It is also unrealistic to think that marrying someone will change them.

All of these are really good and both lists are something that both married and single people should keep in mind; however, I bolded two answers for a specific reason: Communication is key.  I remember hearing someone once say that if you can't keep harmony with your family and friends on a consistent basis, there's a great chance that you won't be able to do so successfully in your marriage.  I mean, if you can't get along with someone over the phone twice a week, why do you believe that it will be all bliss with someone that you have to share a bed with for the rest of your life?!?

But, as I was sitting in church on yesterday, God provided me with another reason for why marriages come to a screeching halt.  Ladies, I'm not sure you're gonna like it all that much, but I prayed, I am at peace and I believe where peace is, God is (Philippians 4:7), so here we go:

A LOT OF MARRIAGES FAIL BECAUSE WIVES ARE NAGS.

Yeah, I know, right?  Who am I, a single woman, to get all into your biz-nass like that without even knowing what he did/didn't do/should be doing?  Well, first, please take note that because I know that the Bible says that "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22---NKJV), it's my firm belief that while being a Proverbs 31 wife is an ever-evolving process, there must be certain character traits that I have in place even before my earthly king comes on to the scene.  In other words, prayer, observance and dating trial-and-error has revealed to me that if I am annoying now, marriage will not miraculously change that; if I am demanding now, marriage will not miraculously change that; if I am moody now, marriage will not miraculously change that; if I can't take rebuke now, marriage will not miraculously change that and if I am a nag now, marriage will not miraculously change that.  As a matter of fact, more times than not, it only magnifies these issues.

So, if you are single and reading this, let me just encourage you to ask your Heavenly Father to start showing you some of your "get that right now so it won't be an issue later" dramatics.  If you don't have enough self-control to push the plate back as a single woman, I'm willing to bet it will be more challenging to hold your tongue as a wife.  If you can't control your hormones as a single woman, what are you gonna do if your man is out of town for weeks on end?  If you can't stop telling people's business as a single woman, how the heck are you gonna keep away from his mama (and yours) when you two have a fight?

But, there is a book coming out soon dealing with all of that soon (remember "Weak in the Knees"?).  Right now, this message is for the women who are already wifely queens in their homes, but may not be walking in their full, true and authentic royalty.

OK, back to sitting in church.  As I went to open my Bible to turn to the reference text for the message, the book fell open to I Peter 3:1-7 (AMP):

"In the likemanner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives, when they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him--to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].

Let not yours be the [merely] external adorning with [elaborate] interweaving and knotting of the hair, the wearing of jewelry, or changes of clothes; but let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God.

For it was thus that the pious women of old who hoped in God were [accustomed] to beautify themselves and were submissive to their husbands [adapting themselves to them as themselves secondary and dependent upon them].

It was thus that Sarah obeyed Abraham [following his guidance and acknowledging his headship over her by] calling him lord (master, leader, authority). And you are now her true daughters if you do right and let nothing terrify you [not giving way to hysterical fears or letting anxieties unnerve you].

In the same way you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God's unmerited favor) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.]."

I really like the Message Version of this as well:

"The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance-the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes-but your inner disposition.

Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as "my dear husband." You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.

The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God's grace, you're equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don't run aground."

Now, I have shared with a lot of you that I just love the book, "Love & Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.  I remember telling a couple (a God-fearing couple who have been married many years, BTW) about the book some time ago and how it said that one of the biggest problems in marriage is that the Bible says to love your wives and respect your husbands (Ephesians 5:33) and that the problem is that many women don't give men respect.  The wife's response?  "He'll get respect when he gives respect."  My response?  "Hmm, that's not what the Bible says."

And it's not.  Do you know that her response is one of the reasons why the world is in the chaos that it's currently in?  We don't want to give until we get first.  We don't want to listen until we're heard first.  We don't want to love until we feel loved first.  And none of this is the foundation of Christianity.  The Bible, ironically right after the referenced scripture above, tells us:

"Finally, all [of you] should be of one and the same mind (united in spirit), sympathizing [with one another], loving [each other] as brethren [of one household], compassionate and courteous (tenderhearted and humble). Never return evil for evil or insult for insult (scolding, tongue-lashing, berating), but on the contrary blessing [praying for their welfare, happiness, and protection, and truly pitying and loving them]. For know that to this you have been called, that you may yourselves inherit a blessing [from God--that you may obtain a blessing as heirs, bringing welfare and happiness and protection].

Now who is there to hurt you if you are zealous followers of that which is good? But even in case you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, [you are] blessed (happy, to be envied). Do not dread or be afraid of their threats, nor be disturbed [by their opposition]."---I Peter 3:8-9, 13-14 (AMP)

There's no disclaimer here.  It doesn't say never return evil for evil unless your husband does it.  It doesn't say that no one can hurt you for doing right unless they sleep next to you every night.  No, the Word says that when you suffer for the sake of right, YOU ARE BLESSED (consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified; worthy of adoration; divinely or supremely favored; fortunate).  Am I trying to say that being married is easy?  I wouldn't dare be as arrogant, ignorant or presumptuous as to even imply that.  But what I am saying is that when I ended my last relationship God told me something that I will carry along with me for the rest of my life: "If you don't want to be challenged, if you don't want to grow up, if you don't want to be rebuked, if you don't want to share, if you don't want to shut up sometimes and listen, not only do you not need to get married, you don't need to follow me."

BAM!  It was a huge wake up call to hear and then accept that until I can get some things right in my own personal relationship with God, until I can work out my own salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12), I'm not going to be much good to anyone else.  A man is not supposed to be my god; he's supposed to help me in my relationship with God.  A man doesn't determine my royalty; he supposed to celebrate what's already there, what God made me aware of before he even came on to the scene.  A man is not supposed to fill my voids; he is the gift of surplus to an abundant life that's already in motion when he steps on to the scene (John 10:10).  Until I can really get this, I need to remain single so that I can someday be happily married.

Something that I often tell people is that when the Bible tells us not to be unequally yoked with non-believers (2 Corinthians 6:14), so often it seems that we are focused on people who are not in our church or walk of faith, but God revealed me a long time ago that I should not try and "make myself fit" with people who don't believe in me, either.  However, I have to know that I BELIEVE before I can determine who's in my corner; who has my back.  One of the most romantic things a man has ever said to be is that he will never apologize for expecting me to be a better person.  I've come to realize that a mentality like that is straight from my "sky dad" because he is the exact same way.  Some of us have become so selfish, so spoiled, so broken, so wounded that we mistake rebuke for abuse; we think that if we are not coddled all of the time that we are not loved.  Ladies, you will have a difficult time with your God and your mate if you don't learn the differences.

Which brings me back to nagging.

For a long time I thought the word just meant that you are staying on someone about something over and over again, but it's a little more detailed than that:

Nag: to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands; to keep in a state of troubled awareness or anxiety, as a recurrent pain or problem; to find fault or complain in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner; to cause pain, discomfort, distress, depression.

And, here are some synonyms:

Nag: back-bite, bad mouth, bagger, bother, belittle, dump on, fuss, henpeck, hound, insult, pester, pick at, provoke, ride, slam, tear part, vex, worry

And here are some antonyms:

Nag: acclaim, approve, calm, compliment, make happy, praise, soothe

Hmm, how interesting it is that man was made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26), wives are called to submit to man (Genesis 3:16, Ephesians 5:22, Colossians 3:18) and that the being who made man enjoys praise, calm and being made happy.  With that said, why wouldn't those made in his likeness be any different?  As they say, when the praises go up, the blessings come down, right?  When was the last time you (wives) felt blessed by your husband?  Your praise/nag ratio may have a lot to do with that.

Now, trust me, as much as I can, "I get it".  Ever since the Garden of Eden, trust between man and woman has been severely altered (Genesis 3).  However, as much as we tend to be disgruntled with Adam for that "This woman you gave me" comment (Genesis 3:12), I have heard an interesting translation of the following scripture:

"And when the woman saw that the tree was good (suitable, pleasant) for food and that it was delightful to look at, and a tree to be desired in order to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate; and she gave some also to her husband, and he ate."---Genesis 3:6 (AMP)

A lot of times we've heard that Adam was so "whipped" that he impulsively took that fruit for fear that he would lose his helper (Genesis 2:18), but that is not what the Word says.  All it tells us is that she took the fruit and gave it to him.  What someone once said to me was, "And why shouldn't he have?  She was supposed to help him.  Why would he think otherwise?  Why would he doubt or distrust her?"

(Side note: Hmm.  This is a whole ‘nother matter entirely, but that does pose some interesting thoughts on why men treat women the way they do today: so little honor, so little celebration, so little covering.  Perhaps it still stems from our betrayal of their trust years and years ago and them not letting God fully forgive us and heal them so that they can be the kind of kings they were called to be).

Although the Bible tells us that there is no condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:11), I wonder if that's why so many wives challenge God's mandate of submission.  I wonder if it's because of the generational curse of guilt that we feel for not being a proper help in the first place.  I wonder if that guilt has turned into fear which has resulted in a lot of wives nagging their husbands to death because they believe their voices will not be heard any other way; that is it not worthy of being heard.

Now these are all just theories and my two cents on the matter (feel free to save it or spend it), but something that I have been working on lately within myself is getting away from dealing with the SYMPTOMS of my issues and instead addressing the CORE matter.  In this case, if God says that wives are to deal with husbands with a, as the Century Version calls it, GENTLE AND QUIET SPIRIT, why are so many wives not catching on?

In my eyes one of the biggest dangers in the Church today is that we are so "those people in the world" minded that we don't realize that our piousness is making us just like them (no, worse, because we should know better).  How can a nagging woman call herself a follower of Christ, when Christ says that's not a character trait of his nature at all?:

"If anyone thinks himself to be religious (piously observant of the external duties of his faith) and does not bridle his tongue but deludes his own heart, this person's religious service is worthless (futile, barren)."---James 1:26(AMP)

It's time out for us trying to "save the lost" when our marriages, our children, our professional lives, our friendships, our associations are going straight to hell because we would rather give wise counsel than seek it; we would rather minister than be ministered to; we would rather teach than learn.  So often we want to get into other people's lives and change it for the better when the Bible says that the most effective way you can do that is to be an example, first and foremost in your speech and your conduct (I Timothy 4:12).

Which brings me back to nagging and the final point for today. 

I'm sure that most of us have heard I Peter 3:1-7 before, but I'm not sure if we have really caught on to what it was saying.  Again, because we are so "in the church/in the world" minded, most of us probably apply this to women who are married to men outside of the faith.  But, again, that is not what the Word says.  It says that if you are married to a man who does not obey the Word that you, as wives, are to win them over, not by what you say, but how you live.  If your man is selfish (2 Corinthians 9:7), then he is not obeying God's word.  If he is not a good provider, then he is not obeying God's Word (Genesis 3:17-19).  If he doesn't make you a priority (Ephesians 5:25), then he is not obeying God's Word.  If he isn't giving you the affection and attention THAT YOU GIVE HIM, then he is not obeying the God's Word (I Corinthians 7:3).  And for none of these scenarios does God say get on his last nerve hounding him about it.

Oh, but how easy it is to tell someone what they should be doing rather than accepting our own role/responsibility in the matter.  One of my favorite quotes by Dr. Phil is when he's counseling someone on a habit they have that they don't want to give up or they think is so effective and he comes back with "Well, how's that working for you?"

Wives, you've been nagging to the point where you're unhappy and he's unhappy.  How's that working for you?  If you claim to be a follower of Christ, it's probably not because God gave you specific instructions on how to deal with such matters and if you've been bringing anxiety and worry to the marriage table (Philippians 4:6, Matthew 6:27, you haven't been listening.  You know how the Bible says that the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23)?  If you're not careful, your marriage could end up lying somewhere in pride's graveyard because (gasp!) nagging is the result of lack of trust, lack of peace, lack of obedience---all which lead to sinful behavior.  How do you deal with it?  By taking these concerns to God and having the faith that his Word, even when it comes to your marriage, is faithful (Romans 10:17, Ephesians 3:20); that if he put a man in place for you to submit to, God will be able to handle it in a way that you cannot even begin to successfully conceive in your mind or ramble about with your mouth.

But, I'll let it go for now.  After all, I don't want to nag you about being a nag.  I'll just work on my example. J

Have a good week!

©Shellie R. Warren/2007