The other woman. Who knows when she'll actually arrive? When he is 21? 30? Or later? Whenever the time comes, I know my job is to prepare him to be with her, to do the best job I can. Even as he clings to me early in life, I can't forget that I need to help him look outward, away from me, and be aware of other people and how they feel. Someday, if he is fortunate, one of those people will be his life partner. She'll be the other woman in his life and I won't be number one.
So, even as I feel ambivalent, I do what I can. Instead of picking up his clothes, I make him do it. Rather than carrying the dishes from table to sink, I remind him to get them. I teach him to cook basic recipes and do laundry and put up with his sarcastic comments and complaints, the rolling of his eyes. Someday someone else may benefit from what I'm doing. The other woman in his life, his wife.....not his mother.
Here's the hard truth. I'm ambivalent about all this. I still remember that first day, when I first saw him, counted all those fingers and toes, held that new person and marveled at the gift in my life - and in my husband's life. He was ours, our son, new and dependent on us for so much. Yes, it was a major responsibility but a joy as well.
When he first clung to me, seeing others as "strangers", I actually felt flattered, knowing I was the world to him. I was his Mother and he saw other people as less important in his life. I came first. But, even as I felt happy that he was so attached, I gently helped him take his first steps towards independence. Along the way, I had my shares of hugs and kisses and crooked little hearts for Valentine's Day. Once, he even said, "You are the most beautiful mother in the world, Mommy!" Ah, such sweetness, innocent and pure.
Then came the day that he had his first crush, at the ripe age of six. "She is so great, Mom' he said. "You should see the way she can throw a ball, as good as any of the guys. She has the most beautiful smile in the world." I felt a twinge of...what? Envy? Jealousy? Yes, but also the recognition that this was part of my job, to help him respect and appreciate females, to give way and no longer be Number One in his life.
Now he is grown up and about to be married. I like the woman he has chosen. She is strong, independent, has a job she loves and a tender heart. When they are together, their affection for one another is clear. And now it is time for me to take that next step, another major transition in life - to step back and hope that I have prepared him for the Other Woman in his life, the one who must be most important to him as he sets out to create his own family. I hope that I have done the best job I can, that the boy who is now a man is prepared for this new role - and I also hope that his girlfriend's family has prepared her for the husband she is about to have.
Stepping back, giving our children wings even as we hope they remain bonded to us on some level. It doesn't always come easy. But it has to come, that day, the moving forward and letting go. So, take care, my son. May life treat you kindly and may you always love your wife and be a good partner. I know I was your first love but that was the love of a child for a mother and I hope that I have prepared you to take the next step, ready to step into your adult love. No matter what, your father and I will always love you and you will remain in my heart, with this mother's love shining towards your wings.
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Comments: 36
I am sure "the other woman" will be forever grateful to have you as MIL.
We've gotten a chance to know each other and I try to be careful and not get in the middle of the two of them, neither being bossy or being indifferent. They have to come first for each other and I just try and be full present when they gift me with their visits.
I share so much of what you have expressed. My son is 23 and, although he is not yet on the verge of marriage, I hope I gave him the tools he needs to choose wisely. I made him independent intentionally, but I sometimes wish he still needed me just a little bit more.
dianne
Trust me, a part of him will always need you. When my son got strep recently, one of the first things he did was pick up the phone and say, "Mom..." Of course, I had to gently suggest that he and his girlfriend handle it but I expressed my sympathies. Your son will never have another Mother. You are always his mother. I know because, as much as I love my husband, I have always had only one mother and father. Just as it is hard to let go of our children, it is a major life change as we watch our parents age and move on, too. But they are still our parents.
RIght now, I'm caring for one elderly parent who will always be my "mommy". All of us still have that child part in us, with the adult watching over.
I have a two-year-old son and this is sort of the perspective I am trying to have on things. I want to raise him to be a good husband and father. I hope I'm doing okay so far.
I think you are a good mom and it sounds like you've done a great job.
Congrat on being a MIL!
Good stuff
You SHOULD be proud! Parenting well is not always as easy as it seems to some. Every child is as different as a fingerprint, no two the same.
I adore my daughter-in-law. I love how my son has chosen his wife better than how he has mastered the art of husbanding. But maybe that isn't fair because he seems so calm and they both manage to work things out.
The other day, I told him that I am practising to be a non-interferring mother and it seems to be working because he likes to call and just talk. He never asks favours. He never calls to gripe or complain. And when Mom died, he knew what he wanted his role to be in my life. I was so touched how he told me that he could do that just for me. Wow. Again just such warm fuzzies...
Most recently, we have even started talking about his take on his teen years vs my take on them--naturally they have a few discrepancies. He likes to oversee how I raise the girls and figures that he is keeping me honest.
The really cool thing is that whatever I taught my son, I now use it to teach my husband of 2 years how I would like to be treated. His mother was abusive and he brought a lot of baggage to the marriage.
Tonight he mentioned how he was happy with what he had cooked for dinner. He then mentioned that he had been cooking a lot lately. I went one step further and mentioned that he had been doing a lot of everything lately, and doing it well... I might add. He used to say that he was doing his best. He suggested that I was so hard to please. Now he sees that he is happy doing his best and it is so much more than he imagined.
I only ask how it feels to have so many people complimenting him on how great he is at so many things?! He just smiles...
I loved reading your comment. I sure wish I knew to put in images like you do. Your post is also a great reminder of how far a few kind words and compliments can go. Whenever, I said anything that was sharp or critical to my kids, I reminded myself to say at least 5 nice things that day - and often even more - to balance it out. We can't always approve of what our kids do and, being human, I sometimes lost my temper but I tried to remember that praising positive behavior can often be FAR more effective than scolding bad behavior.
I am also that "other woman".
I know that you'll understand what it is like for her as well, especially if and when you plan to have children. I never thought I could feel such a mix of emotions. When your children are young, there is a point where you are the world to them. But time moves on and if we want them to soar, we have to give them wings, not clip them.
P.S. I still cried the first day my son went to school. I knew it was necessary but I hoped the teachers would treat him kindly as well as get him to learn.
They can all cook an adequate meal, and a couple are more particular about their homes than I am. I'm thrilled to see them change a diaper or put up a pony tail. Guess I didn't do to bad a job.
I may not be first in their lives but I run a pretty darn close second.
Being a close second is fine. I've known men who lived with their mothers their entire lives, never got out or married - sad. A mother who would emotionally cripple a son like that...I try not to judge but all I can say is that she must have some serious issues to not be able to let go of her son. When she died, the poor guy nearly lost it, sunk into a serious depression and is struggling, late in life, to try and reach some degree of normalcy. I really think it could have been prevented but, again, I'm looking at that from an outsider's perspective. For all I know, he had some serious issues and SHE kept things together.
Thank you for such an insightful article.
Blessings
This was very well written. You have the right attitude. I think liking his mate is the first thing to accomplish and you seem to have a handle on that already. It is hard to let a child go even if it is a girl. Our daughters are both married and moved away. Too far away for family to move. I miss them so much. I hope that I have given them wings as well as taught them how to be good wives and mothers.
I, too, miss my children even as I know this is a natural transition. All over our house are little signs they have left behind, evoking ghostly memories of them at age 2 or 4 or 5 years old.
A small confession:One son printed his name and the date on a lamp base with a sharpie pen. I turn the marked up side to the wall but I can't get rid of the lamp. Call me sentimental!