by Doc, in the middle, holding on... Curmudgeon esq.
Member since:
November 20, 2005

Mom-shortly before-This is where it gets lonely.

August 29, 2007 10:10 PM EDT (Updated: November 11, 2009 10:05 AM EST)
views: 106 | comments: 45

I cooked dinner tonight,

Poached Salmon steak, Veggie/Brown Rice/green beans...

Fed Mom and sat with her quite a while,

Went out and swept the stoops of her doors finally,

while she gummed her food.

 

Helped her up to go toward the bathroom,

Steroids ran out over the weekend and she's got swelling now.

Not sure how much catchup the same dose will provide.

The RN says we can double her Xanax to keep her happy,

she went to bed at seven twenty-five,

Voice finally quavering like the eighty-six year old woman she is.

 

I'm still on the Prozac, still twice a day.

Because I once was happy, I once was assured that...

"You won't have to be alone unless you WANT to be Lloyd"

But that is called "whining", and being "Clingy" by those without the guts,

to either stay the course or say 'NO' to start with, and PLENTY of

Experience to KNOW what she was getting into.

 

But I'm told that I'm,....

"hanging on to something that was never meant to be".

I'm not you know...

I'm just resetting to be alone after empty offers and promises,

And a terrible output of energy offered, taken, used, accepted,

But never returned.

 

 

 

 

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Comments: 45 ( 1 removed by Doc, in the middle, holding on... Curmudgeon esq. )

Donna Hammett-Tooker Aug 29, 2007, 10:14pm EDT
I lived alone for more than 20 years and thought I was just alone - I was really lonely and when I got ill after a car wreck all I wanted was to have people close but then I also wanted to hurt and cry when I was alone. I have a line in a poem I wrote many years ago that goes something like it is better to be alone than be lonely with people all around you...
Yvette F. Aug 29, 2007, 10:17pm EDT
Have you read the book, "Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher? It's a pretty good book. Of course, I'm not the best one at getting "over" someone myself. Try to not dwell on a lost love and concentrate on doing things for yourself. Good luck.
Dena Straughn Aug 29, 2007, 10:18pm EDT
I am taking care of my mother-in-law; it is both rewarding, and very hard to endure, watching life ebb away, and feeling helpless to stop the enevitable. If you need someone to talk to, I am here.
Lisa Frost Aug 29, 2007, 10:19pm EDT
lonely is a hard place to be, whether voluntary, or not. but if it be by a soul mate's choice, it is a far cry from being something that is required. I pray that you can find peace for what troubles you and keeps you lonely,
Jo C. Aug 29, 2007, 10:19pm EDT
I won't try to offer words that can't console in a situation like yours. You are on this journey and I can read your words and the pain behind them and bear witness, bear witness to the fact that someone is reading them and trying to grasp what you are going through, as much as a bystander can.
I no longer miss the bitch, because after all that is what ti would TAKE to DO this to a person but after having been alone here (or nearly so) almost five years and having love dangled in front of me not once, but TWICE, I have few reserves left to call upon.
Today was a long hard day, tomorrow may be better, but there will be MORE long hard days, alone, knowing what it was like NOT to be.... even if only in collusion and deluding myself about somebody...
So i WILL be "whiny" by gohd if I want to!
Wilma M. Aug 29, 2007, 10:29pm EDT
Lloyd, I am sorry for the pain and loneliness you are feeling. It sounds like you are having a difficult journey.

Since I too could use a hug tonight, I will send you some.
Video Girl ;> Aug 29, 2007, 10:29pm EDT
This made me cry. A big sobbing cry.
HEIDI F. Aug 29, 2007, 10:42pm EDT
wow, it's a well written poem that expresses the loneliness you seem to be feeling.
Sue * Aug 29, 2007, 10:55pm EDT
I'm sorry that you are feeling lonely...and I really hope that the day comes when this feeling is just a memory.
Lavonne www.bildurdreams.com Aug 29, 2007, 10:56pm EDT
A lot of lonliness came out of that poem. I also am sending you hugs tonight because there will be times when I'll need one. {hug} {hug} {hug}. I am dreading being alone but not for the reasons you have. Hang in there because time will heal your bitterness and loneliness eventually. And remember you have friends here for you - vent to us when you need to.
Beth S. Aug 29, 2007, 11:10pm EDT
I did no what to feel after i read this but my stomach hurts now. I am giving you a ten!
Donna M. Aug 29, 2007, 11:14pm EDT
Yes you can be whiny if you want.....but personally after reading your reference of "bitch" sounds more like you are better off alone....or possibly should get some counseling.
Kimberly Ripley Aug 29, 2007, 11:31pm EDT
So sorry for your obvious deep pain. Your writing portrays it beautifully, however.
flit . Aug 29, 2007, 11:49pm EDT
the poem is excellent... the story is soooooooo sad :(
J R B. Aug 30, 2007, 12:11am EDT
I too have been alone for twenty years. I am not lonely. My secret is i have a lot of friends, who I see at least once a week. Talk on the phone to them several times a week. In addition, I sew quilts and give them away. But here is a big hug for just you.
Cheryl O. Aug 30, 2007, 12:16am EDT
Your a good son and your mom needs you now. You have her today and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow!
Do somethings that are best done alone like a walk in the woods. You can hear and see thing that you can't when someone is with you talking and making noise. Feel better Lloyd!
Thanks all...

I'll live but it is damn sure no fun alone here.
Ron B. Aug 30, 2007, 1:19am EDT
When I was in graduate school, I went to see my dad, who lived four hours away, and he told me that he was going in the hospital the next day for tests. He looked normal but said he'd been running a low grade fever for a week. He was admitted for tests and never left except for a Friday night six months later when I took him home. By 3AM Sat, he was back in intensive care. He had no other family and it was a busy but lonely time for me. I spent every weekend in the hospital and sadly watch him wither away.

I really feel for you Lloyd but I know you'll get through this and feel okay again but you are already okay. It's a heavy weight and I'm glad you're there to carry it.
Ron;

I took my Dad back and forth to the VA hospital about a half dozen times, a hundred and fifty miles each way... Last couple trips I dropped him off (read "Set Phasers on Stun" to see what the VA is capable of)... and left him a week at a time while they zapped him with hard radiation.
Christmas time I brought him home about the 9th or 10th.... On the morning of the 14th I was at work running my print shop, just my secretary there and i doubled over with a hard pain thru my chest and gut. It came and went in a second or two, but Mom called from their house at two o'clock demanding I come home, Dad was dead.

The Old Man had always hated Christmas...
Oh yeah... he had cashed about three or four Social Security checks.... he was 62.
~Lady Neeetah of California~Obama #44 W. Aug 30, 2007, 8:53am EDT
Lloyd:

You're venting, and that's a good thing. You have people who care to vent to, and that's a good thing.

As bad as it may seem, it might always be worse. Look at the expressions of caring on this thread. THAT is a good thing. I, for one, as well as these other care. All good things.

Like the Boss (Springsteen) says "walk tall". Keep on walking tall. You will prevail, Lloyd. We're here.
:)
Larry H. Aug 30, 2007, 10:34am EDT
thanks for sharing..
Let me clear here... I couldn't blame ANY-BODY for mot wanting to get into this situation I am in here...
But I can BLAME someone who knew eggzactly what she was getting into for starting to waffle the day that she was told she'd get a few GRAND in relocation/sign-on money...
Anne Marie A. Aug 30, 2007, 6:09pm EDT
I'm sorry you are sick of the yellow flowers. I hope your Mom is o.k. It's o.k. to feel crappy and say it. I think its better than pretending like your happy and right with the world.
Mary H. Aug 30, 2007, 7:46pm EDT
I pray you know you have friends on gather...we all share in each others life and care
Kathryn E. Aug 30, 2007, 9:29pm EDT
Some people LIKE being alone. I am one of those people. At least, I THINK I would like to be alone. I rarely am. But for years I was. Just me and my writing. Happy as a clam.

Develop your inner room.
Erin P. Aug 30, 2007, 11:42pm EDT
Oh, Lloyd. You need to do some things to make you happier. Not "happy" but "happier". Something that you enjoy. You have to have some enjoyment from something. Listen to me - like I know it all. I don't. I was close to being alone and I didn't like it, but I was accepting of it and ready to go on. I threw myself into doing things that *I* enjoyed and my life improved tremendously, so much so that the person saw who I really was and liked that even more than the old, stressed out "me".
Kathryn E. Aug 31, 2007, 4:10pm EDT
Lloyd: :)
Thanks KEO, I knew you'd understand.
Grems 'gremlin' Aug 31, 2007, 7:16pm EDT
Lloyd: I read your poem, could understand the anger and the pain. as well as the sadness and the loss. Vent all you want or need. I don't want to tell you how to fix it because that would minimize the emotions you have. You are entitled to your emotions and don't let anyone tell you different.
rebecca w. Sep 1, 2007, 11:14pm EDT
I like the "resetting" line, we all need to reset from time to time. I like the way you write things. Big hug for you. ; )
Verna W. Sep 2, 2007, 11:21am EDT
We are all alone within our selfs. The secret is to stop feeling sorry and take a look at ourselves. Each of us experience loss at some time in our lifes. There is a bigger picture for you in this great adventure of life. Wait for it. Better yet go out and look for it. You may be pleasantly surprised at what your life will be offering in the future. Take a walk. breathe some air. Get ready its coming.
sorry???? *I* haven't done ANYTHING to be sorry for..... except believe and I won't let anybody "cure" me of that...
Deborah D. Sep 3, 2007, 3:59pm EDT
I wish life was not feeling so lonely for yo Lloyd.
I am glad that you have this forum to express some of that here - it can't be making you feel good while you hold it inside. When I do not let my anger out - I end up feeling like i have a sack fo wrestling ferrets in my gut! <<how's THAT for imagery???>>

anywho - be proud you are helping your mother out, it cannot be easy
but be sure you stay in touch with your e-support group
are there any "respite" resources for you in your area? I hope you or your mother are able to find relief in meeting with members of a club, church or other 'interest group'.

My furrkids and I send you many purrs -
Thanks Deborah;

I'm about 'back'..... took months though and I hate losing the time... I just ordered myself a watch off eBay today... haven't worn one in YEARS... we'll see if the sucker keeps time on my, (some didn't years ago)...
"getting back in the swing of things".
Missy Cline Sep 4, 2007, 10:39am EDT
all I can add is *big hug* to you Lloyd in hopes that it helps to remind you that you are cared for!!!
Terry Collett Sep 7, 2007, 2:33pm EDT
An existential poem which has retained substance and form and made a fine work of art.
Kathleen ♥ L. Sep 8, 2007, 3:43pm EDT
I've fallen behind in my gathering, Lloyd so missed this when you first posted it.
Venting is good... sometimes it even feels good to vent ;>(
Loneliness isn't always about being alone, you can feel lonely in a crowd... been there done that...
Can't fix the pain for you, all I or any of us can do is offer our ears to listen, and virtual shoulders to help carry the load...
oh, and lot's of virtual {{hugs}} for you and your Mom...
Thank you Kath... the problem is that I wasn't really lonely before... and the false feeling of having somebody here who turned out to be a opportunistic bimbo is not a pleasant experience but it's time to get on with things.
Nan G. Sep 9, 2007, 12:53pm EDT
I made the choice to live alone. Just tired of the hassle of others taking without giving. I still hope to make a new connection some day but I am not sure if I could trust again as I once did.
understood... thanks for the comment.
jackie s. Jan 6, 2008, 10:14pm EST
Loneliness is a dreadful thing. How is your Mom now?

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