Asthma Attacks

Allow me to take a temporary dip into self pity - I don't do it very often, I promise!

A few months ago I found out I had asthma.  I had no idea what that was until I developed a cough that wouldn't go away, even after months.  From the research I did it seemed to be one of those things that you can manage through medication, lifestyle changes, etc.

It hasn't been so simple.

Turns out there are so many different causes, so many different symptoms, and so many different ways to treat it, you turn yourself into a science experiment just to figure out what works for you.  I've been to so many different doctors, and tried so many different medications.  Most of them cause you to eat voraciously and gain weight.  Others dry out your throat so that you can't speak.  Others give you insomnia, while still others make you drowsy.

I used to get a little hayfever in the spring and itchy when my cat scratched me.  Now I'm allergic to dust, cats, dogs, and eight different kids of trees.  Now any little change in air quality sets off spasms of coughing, crud in my throat and sinuses, and eventually wheezing and tightness in my chest.  If the pollen count is too high.  If the warm summer weather has increased the smog level.  Exhaust fumes from buses and cars.  Cold air in winter time.  Any sort of fume or particulate matter aggravates my lungs and causes a new attack.

Yes, asthma attacks really do attack.

Even with great health insurance, $10, $20, and $40 copays on prescriptions start to really add up.  I think at one time I was taking 8 different medications in one day (okay, not all were for the asthma).  I had to get rid of my pets.  I had to encase my mattresses, my pillows, and even my comforter in dustmite-proof cases.  I had to put all hardwood floors in my new house because dust builds up in carpets.

But I'm not mad about all of that.  I'm not mad because I can't walk through a Las Vegas casino or a smoky bar without worrying how much time I have before I can't breathe.  I'm not mad because I can't really explain to anyone else what is going on, especially when 50% of the time I take a phone call at work, I can't get my throat clear enough to speak.  I'm not because I get so very tired from a few hours at work that I have to sneak down to my car on my lunch break and take a nap so I won't seem so exhausted for the rest of the afternoon.

I'm mad because I can't sing to my son at bedtime.  He thinks coughing is so normal he pretends to do it when he plays.  He pretends to be exhausted just from running or swimming too much, and has to sit down and rest because that's what Mommy does.

I'm mad because I should be looking forward to building our new house, but I can't make it through an inspection because of the dust and fumes, and I have to go stand outside while my husband and the agents finish the tour.

I'm mad because I'm struggling to lose the weight I gained from the side effects of the medication, but I can't get exercise of any kind without making sure I have my "rescue" medicine ready, and especially not if it involves being outdoors.

I'm mad because I live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth - with trees and mountains and water.  But I can't spend too much time out in it unless air conidtions are just right.  One of my medications makes me photosensitive, so if I stay out in the sun too long, it actually hurts.  I have to stand in the shade of the playground equipment if my son wants to go on the slide.

I'm mad because all of this makes my parents worry, at a time when they should be worried about their own health and getting ready for retirement.

But then I run out of time to be mad, and to feel sorry for myself.  I have a life to live an people who count on me, and I don't have time to be sick.  Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away...

I'm mad because I know better than that.