why i could not come to you tonight

Tonight my small son called for me but i felt so burned out,

the whole situation with the father of my children has made me very tired.

I am having a hard time realizing that no matter how many words i use, there never will be any understanding between me and the father of my children.

He wrote me a letter while on vacation informing me he has had a relationship with another woman for the past 6 months, the children testify for a longer time, probobly at least a year or more.

 I am angry that he got the children involved, he claims i should not be arguing in front of them but he made horrible scenes in front of them for years, and now all of the sudden he plays the sensitive soul as if he never broke my son's arm by throwing him on the carpet or dislocated my foot or ledt bruises again and again on the boys from excessive beating..

 He told my daughter he will give her presents if she goes to him, and did not,

he brought the children to his parents home on christmas day where there was a tree with lots of presents but none for them.

He took them on a big vacation this summer to his homeland Holland where he left them in an amusement park alone and screamed at them to get out when he spent time on the phone with his girlfriend.

He writes: "He hopes  we can be good  parents now that we are no longer a couple"

I was the one that initiated the separation and the divorce idea , i got him out of the apartment by a court order for the abuse , so now he makes it sound as if he decided to end the relationship , if you can call it a relationship.

At first i was going to be real cool about the whole thing, pretend i never got the letter in the first place and ignore this however since having found out this woman he sleeps with had spent time with my children i was furious!

The children are so young and yet not only did they have to get used to being apart from their father whom they love still no matter what horrible things he had done to them, they too like the court system choose to ignore whatever strays from that image of ideal father-teacher.

I spend hours wondering what is it about me that attracted such a soulless creature?

How i could have been so  blind ?

How i could have ever hoped he would change when he never once admitted he did anything wrong , hurt ?

No, abusive men do not change,

now too he has a long distance relationship with someone whom he sees once a week and so he plans on marrying her, that way he will ensure that he can abuse her without the police doing a thing.

It is my understanding that married women have little or no protection from the law, if you complain that you got hit and it is by your husband the police will not do anything!

Even when seriously injured four years ago, the father of my children was arrested than released almost immediately, he walked in the apartment as if nothing had happened and took the boys to play soccer ..

Seeing him today once again playing soccer after i know from my small son, of 7  years, that he told him to keep a secret, that he is thinking of getting married , i am furious, how can he give such a small boy a big load like that??

He did write he would like a "calm talk" but how can you talk calmly to someone who screamed so loudly outside my apartment that  people came out from the  office across the road to see what happened.

It seems that the father of my children told my children while on vacation and while they were unable to call me (too expensive) but gilfriend was contacted constantly ..that he is inlove.

Looking at the whole picture now, the family that will not get involved and are uninterested in the children's welfare at all or mine, i wonder how did i not see that the apple is right on the tree, did not even fall, that cold unfriendly selfish people breed the same.

Tonight my small son demanded i come to put him to bed, he yelled at me and i decided not to go because i had little motivation to contribute to the continuing cycle of abuse..i am tired of getting yelled at by the boys, they yell so loud that i had received once again a letter from the office renting us the place that the neighbors downstairs suffer from the noise..

I wanted to go to him, but something stopped me,

how will he learn not to get things by screaming if i go everytime , i also needed time to lick my wounds and i feel i can not..the children expect me to be waiting on them hand and foor 24hours a day and frankly i am getting burned out!

DOn't get me wrong, i adore  my children and love them however how can they learn not to talk to me with harsh words, not to scream like their father if i come every time they throw a fit?

What makes women choose to be with abusive men?

low self esteem, desparation, blindness, stupidity or the combination of all