Rejected and Hurting?

You will get through this time of your life. It is so hard and many of us have been there for a long time. It may feel no one knows or shares your pain but there are many of us that do. We all have gone through times of hurt. Rejection is one of the worst to our self exteem.

It is hard to understand sometimes but we hurt ourselves with what goes on as we choose how we react. For example: If we are insulted by someone and we look at the person and say, hmmm I'll consider the source, the insult can roll off our shoulders. We made the decision to put the hurt in a category of a comment from someone who is always saying stuff like that and chalking it up to their problem not ours. We are in control of our feelings even if it doesn't seem that way. We can spend days thinking about the comment and the nerve someone had to say that to us, but you see they dumped the comment and walked away no longer thinking about it. We make a choice to think about it and stew and give ourselves ulcers. There are many miserable people out there wanting company so they use their tongue to see how many other people will join them.

If the one you care about rejects you, consider that they may want to hurt you and enjoy seeing you hurt or they are trying to push you away. Usually that means they are hurt and angry over something  or they no longer want you in their life. You may want to startle them and instead of getting hurt ask they why they want to hurt you, how they expect you to take what they said. Maybe give them what they want and leave their life, maybe they may realize they miss you or you may realize that you can live without them. 

Many words are said in anger, that is the  qualifier,' in anger'. Sometimes truth tumbles out, sometimes the comments are crafted to just cause pain and aren't true. We walk away thinking they are true.  That is why it is good in a relationship to have this rule: Only argue issues, no name calling.  Name calling is like being back in kindergarten, we are not 5 and we shouldn't say things we don't really mean. It doesn't help the issue, it escalates the anger. No one wants to be called an *sshole, or a j*ck*ss. It is far better to say you are acting like an *sshole if you must say that. At least you are not calling them it, you are saying they are acting like that.

 
The other part of the damage that happens to us with insult and rejection is we wonder if we are worth loving. The more rejections you get you can begin to feel like you aren't worth loving. If you are trying to date a certain type of woman/guy it may be that they are too full of themselves to even look at you. Narcisstic people are already in love, with themselves. Many people fall in love with narcisstic people and it's a no win situation. They are never going to look at you the way you look at them. They are blinded by their own image. You are not going to be able to prove to yourself you are worthwhile and valuable looking for love on the narcisstic part of town.

Sometimes just loosing up and looking around at everyone, instead of just focusing on let's say slim blue eyed blondes can change your world. There are people around you that may be hoping you will look their way and as long as you have it in your mind what you are looking for, you may overlook a treasure in a person you look at everyday.  It is what is in the inside that counts, beauty doesn't last forever. Yes, we all like to get packages wrapped up in shiny paper and bows and ribbon, but when we open the gift, all that is tossed aside and it is what is inside that counts.

The more you focus on something you can't have, the more it hurts. Try to change your focus, You may look back years from now and say, why did I allow myself to go through all that. It was not worth it!!! 

I tried to hang on to my ex-husband. I believed no one could love him like I could, and that deep down he knew that and that someday he would wake up and realize what he was throwing away by cheating on me.  It didn't happen. I took the blame on myself and the reality was he wanted something else, not me. I hurt myself by looking through his stuff when we reunited to see what went on while we were apart and of course I found stuff. And then I got upset and hurt. I was young and it was almost like I was looking for pain. It shouldn't have mattered as we were apart, but I looked anyway. He just didn't want the life we had planned out for ourselves anymore. He was trying to be the person his parents wanted him to be and that didn't make him very happy. Every sign said it was over, his treatment of me was awful, but yet I hung on believing in true love. Wasn't true love at all, I was in love with someone who didn't exist. (I have since remarried and we happily celebrated our 27th anniversay in June)

Where you put your attention is very important. Refocusing your attention is key! An example of refocusing: I'd like to have a million dollars, I don't have it and the more I think about it the more I am saddened. But if I look at all I do have, I am pleased and happy to have what I have.This is what is called counting your blessings. Be happy with who you are and what you have in life and others will respond.  My left leg is messed up and I limp, now I am too old to join the rockettes, but I could sit all day and say woe is me, it's unfair this happened to me. Everybody will stare at me for limping and others will pity me.  You know what I do when they stare? I often say, "Isn't this great, I can walk. The surgeon didn't think I would!" and then I smile.  Often they congratulate me with smiles. I am making lemons out of lemonade. The darn leg works so Praise God I am not in a wheelchair. But if I was, I would be praising God I was alive. There is always something worse and someone else who is suffering worse. 

We need to be mindful that others look like they have better lives but we don't know. We don't know what others have gone through. My mother rejected me and tried to kill me several times.  As a child, it hurt and confused me. I could never understand why she was so distant to me. It was a combination of post partum depression, resenting my birth and(not bonding with me) and mental illness. She was talking to people who didn't exist when she tried to kill me. She was out of her head.  This was a struggle for me, that my own Mother didn't love me growing up. In her limited way, I realized, she did and I have been through counseling to  soften the scars of her rejection. Taking care of her at the end of her life when she had alztheimers and she didn't know who I was helped me tremendously. She was always happy to see me and happy for anything I did for her. When I told her she was my Mother, she was thrilled.

Focus on how you are a strong person who has good abilities. Focus on your good points and how you deserve better. Work on making your self feel good about you. Go out and join new groups. Try new things go out and join new groups. You will have fun and meet new people. Try to dwell on your hurts from the past. When you feel better about yourself, you will find people relate better to you and you will be happier. Other people may seem to "make" us happy, but happiness comes from within, only we can choose to be happy! Hugs!