BEYOND THE SHADOW OF FEAR-(Prologue)

Four and a half years earlier…

            All around her was the beauty and peace of the night, the joyous singing of the peepers and the Katydids.  If only it could be this way always…peace, she thought, wearily leaning back her head against the two seated swing.  Absently she stroked the young blue grey cat, Xena, sitting beside her as she watched the golden moon rise over the huge pond at the bottom of the pasture, casting silver light over the landscape. 

            She heard a soft whine from her feet, looking down at Charlie, her German-Shepherd, “What’s a matter boy?” She asked him.  His ears were perked and he was looking back at the house.  At the sound of Roxanne’s voice, he wagged his tail and sat up and laid his head in her lap.  She caressed the soft silky fur of his head.  He was such a good boy, so loving and protective.  Sometimes Charlie seemed almost human.  He had been on edge all evening and been sticking close to her side like a shadow.  Of course that might have something to do with Tony’s mood tonight.  He always seemed to sense when Tony was having a bad night or when one of his episodes was imminent.  Maybe he gave off a certain scent at those times, who knew.

              “Oh God, not tonight, please.  I don’t think I can handle a full blown argument.  It’s ok, boy, we’ll just sit out here and maybe it will pass on by us.”

            The occasional episode happened with greater frequency now with little respite between.  It seemed that lately, Tony was either up, full of energy, enthusiastic about life and goals, or so far down in the dark caverns of a subterranean basement you needed an elevator and a bright torch just to find him.  The up periods used to last for a week or more, then he’d hit a plateau of more or less even temperament before plummeting into the abyss once again.  Now the ups were shorter and shorter the down infinitely longer and increasingly dangerous.   

            Tony was in a particularly black mood tonight and had been spoiling for a fight since he got home from work.  Nothing she did was right, he picked at everything, the house wasn’t as clean as it should be, Xander’s toys were scattered out on the floor, and he couldn’t find something or another, his dinner wasn’t hot enough and so he threw it against the wall, just missing her head by inches, shattering the plate leaving messy smear of food on the wall dripping onto the broken glass scattered on the floor.  She fingered bandage on her cheek.  Xander, who had been finished with his dinner and in the living room, had run to the door way, eyes huge with fear, took one look and quietly went out the front door.  Charlie, who had been laying at her feet, started growling softly, stood and bared his fangs. 

            “You bite me dog and I’ll put a fuckin’ bullet in your head,” and he stomped out of the room.

            While he had been gone she had quickly cleaned off the table put everything away.  Except the mess he had made.  That, she had left as it was.  As she walked towards the door, he reappeared.

            “Where in the hell do you think you’re going?  Get your ass in there in clean up that mess!”

            Roxanne raised her chin, “You scared Xander half to death.  I’m going out to make sure he is ok.”  She was seething inside but dare not show it.

            Looking at the mess in the big farm kitchen, she looked back at him.  “You made the mess, you can clean it up,” she told him mildly.  Charlie was silently vibrating at her side.  She laid a quieting hand on his head.

            As she walked out the door with Charlie, her heart accelerated when she saw him put a holstered pistol on the counter before starting to clean up.  Charlie must have really scared him.

When she came back in to get Xander ready for bed, the storm seemed to have passed and he was watching TV.  She was thankful to see the gun had been put away.  He apologized to Xander for scaring him, telling him it had been a bad day.  After the fact he always was genuinely remorseful, almost puzzled by his own behavior.  She didn’t think he realized how bad he had become during those snaps in control.

“Your dad loves you boy, you believe me?”  Xander nodded.  Xander loved him too, but his anger scared him.  “Come give me a hug and a kiss goodnight.”

She had been too restless to stay inside, and she hated TV, which was why she was sitting out here.  It was hard going to school full time, working part-time and being the perfect wife and mother.  Thank God, finals were over.  She only had one semester left and she was done.  If she could endure that long, at this point she was a basket case ready for the loony bin right there beside Tony.  She was so damn tired.  And now with Tony being so unpredictable and becoming increasingly dangerous, her nerves were stretched so thin she felt like she would shatter into a million pieces, which was why she had followed Tom Crestman’s advice and found a new place to live for her and Xander.        She would get moved in the end of this week.  All this secrecy had added to her tenseness.  But what choice did she have?  She couldn’t very well tell Tony she wanted a divorce; she didn’t want to live with him anymore since he refused to get treatment.  Refused? Hell, he was so far down the river of denial that he even had a problem; he needed a map just to find his way home.  Just a little bit longer and they’d be safe.  Until then she dare not tip her hand.  She had never been afraid of Tony.  But she was now.  And it was eating her alive.  

            Leaning back, she looked up at the stars scattered like diamonds across the sky.   She loved the night. You could disappear into it, be lovingly enveloped by peace it offered.  She had never been afraid of the dark, respect it yes, but to fear was not part of her nature.  Until recently. Charlie had lain back down, but his head was up, ears at attention, staring at the house.  Watching the lightening bugs blink in and out she looked down at Charlie and then back to the house.  Tony must be moving around in the house, she thought.

            Suddenly the peace of the night was shattered by a bellow of rage from Tony.  Charlie leaped to his feet with a growl, standing between Roxanne and the house.  Coming to her feet she saw Tony in the doorway, a black shadow backlit from the light within the house.

            “When were you going to tell me about this, huh?” Shaking his fist holding a piece of paper, her purse was in his other hand. 

            Roxanne felt the blood drain from her face, oh my God, she had left the rent receipt in her purse, how could she have been so stupid. She fought the feeling of panic.

            “Tell me Roxanne, you faithless bitch, was I going to come home one day to you and Xander gone?  You are going to that guy at school, aren’t you, you God damn WHORE!” He shouted.

            “I’m not going to anyone, Tony.  I’m leaving, yes, but there is no one else.”  She had to work hard to keep her voice calm and she was shaking, this was going to be very bad, she knew it in her gut.

            “I don’t believe you.  You’ve found someone else and you are leaving me for him.  Marco tried to tell me, but I didn’t believe him.”

            “I am leaving you because you won’t get help! God knows, I don’t need or want anyone else. You are scaring Xander to death with your temper and it is affecting him at school and he having nightmares at night.  I can’t let the violence and continual acting out destroy Xander or me.  You need help, Tony, and you need us gone while you get it.”

            “Roxanne, I swear, I’ll put a fuckin’ bullet in your head before I let you walk away from me and I’ll kill the sorry son of a bitch that thinks he can take you and my son away.”

            “Mama, Mama,” Xander screamed from inside, “Mama, where are you?”  Tony whirled around and saw Xander standing behind him, wide eyed and crying.

            “Xander…” Tony dropped her purse and tried to pick up Xander, but he was having none of it.  Xander pushed him away. 

            “You leave my mama alone.  You’ll make her dead if she gets a bullet in her head.  You are a bad man, I hate you!  Mama, I wanna to leave, I wanna leave now!” 

            A disbelieving look of hurt crossed Tony’s face.  Slowly he stood and faced Roxanne.

            “You’ve turned my son against me?” Disbelief and hurt colored his voice, swiftly his mood turned to rage.  “You’ve fuckin’ turned my son against me,” he roared.  “No fuckin’ way are the two of you leaving me.  You hear me you bitch, no way!”  With that he turned and stormed into the house. 

            Xander came barreling into her arms, “I’m scared mama.”

            “Me too, baby.”  She had never seen Tony like this.  He was totally out of control.  The gun, oh my God the gun, he was going for his gun.  I have to get to a phone.  Swiftly she picked up her son and her purse and ran to Xander’s room, picking up her cell phone from the hallway, on her way.  She dialed 9-1-1.  She locked the door and pulled the dresser in front of the door.  There was an officer on patrol not more than two or three minutes away.  Was she in a safe place they, asked her?  Get out of the house and hide, she was told.  They could hear Tony yelling obscenities and beating on the door. 

            Frantically looking around, she opened the window to the front of the house.  If she could just get down the drive way, she could hide them in the trees and wait for the police.

            “Open this fucking door or I swear I’ll break it down Roxanne,” he yelled.  She heard him beating on the door as she and Xander crawled through the window on the porch.  It would only hold for a minute or two.  Pulling Xander on her back and telling him to hold on tight, she started jogging down the tree-lined drive to the road, Charlie at her side.  She stayed in the deep shadows.  She heard the sound of the door splintering which added speed to her legs, as did the bellow of rage when Tony found them gone from the house.  She heard a shot, and Tony yelling, but she didn’t look back, she was concentrating on getting to the top of the rise and on the other side of the quarter mile drive, which would at least hide her from immediate sight.  She thought she heard footsteps starting down the gravel of the drive; suddenly Charlie growled and veered off from her raced back towards the house.  She tried to call him back but he didn’t listen.  As she topped the rise, she heard and awful growling as Charlie went on attack, Tony yelling in fear and a shot.  Seconds later a second shot was heard with the accompanying high pitched yelp.  Her heart was breaking, tears running down her face, as raced down the rise towards the arc of lights she saw at the end of the drive. 

            “Thank God!  Xander, hang on the police have arrived, we’re almost there baby.”  She didn’t know where Tony was so she stayed in the shadows, to the side of the car’s headlights. 

            The car stopped, she heard Tom Crestman’s voice, “Roxanne, over here, get into the car quickly.”

            There was Tom, gun drawn and pointed toward the drive behind her.  She raced the last couple of feet to the open door where Tom was braced and slid Xander off her back and into the car, taking care that they stayed low, and put Xander on the floor crawling in beside him.  Just then two more cars pulled up going around Tom’s and heading up the drive. 

            Tom squatted down beside her, “Are you alright?  Are you hit anywhere?”

            “We’re fine.  Oh Tom, he shot Charlie, I know it.  We have to go and get him.”

            She heard another shot, but not Tony’s gun and muffled yelling.  The radio in the car came alive with the report that the area was secured.

            Sitting up, Roxanne buckled in Xander and turning to Tom, “Go up there, I have to see how Charlie is,” she told him. 

            Tom brought the car to a standstill about fifty feet from the flashing red and blue lights of the other cars.  To the right was Tony, bleeding profusely and in handcuffs kneeling in the gravel but to the left, one of the officers was squatting down looking at Charlie.  Roxanne was out of the car and sprinting to Charlie. 

            “Is he alive?” she called frantically.  At the sound of her voice, Charlie lifted his head and tried to stand.  “No Charlie, stay.”

             Seeing the compassion in his eyes, she knew it was bad.  Tears ran down her face, “Oh no, no, not Charlie, please…” Seeing the young officer shake his head she knew he was dying.  Wiping the tears away with the back of her hand, she pulled in her emotions that would only upset Charlie more.

            Kneeling in the dirt, she looked him over, hoping against hope that the officer was wrong.  But he wasn’t. Charlie was a mess.  She had worked on too many animals not to recognize dying.

            “Hey Charlie, what a good boy you are.  You are so brave, oh baby, I’m so sorry you’re hurt.”

            Taking his head on her lap and bending down she kissed his muzzle.  Charlie weakly thumped his tail and licked her face.  She saw way too much blood.  He was bleeding out and bloody bubbles came from his nose and mouth.  He’d never make it thirteen miles to town, she doubted he last ten minutes and she couldn’t stop the bleeding.  He was getting weaker, his breathing more labored.  She sat there stroking him and talking to him softly telling him she loved him and how brave he was. 

            She filled her voice with calmness and love.  “Go to sleep boy, we’re safe, go to sleep my beautiful Charlie, mom’s here, go to sleep my beautiful brave boy.” 

            Charlie licked her hand as she stroked him with the other, closing his eyes, he gave a sigh.  He hadn’t lasted even five minutes but she had at least been there and he had known she was safe and that she loved him.  Dropping her head she cried, deep silent sobs that shook her body as she held him.

            Tom gently reached down and helped her up, holding her for a moment while she gathered herself together before stepping away from the comfort of Tom’s arms to answer the other officer’s question of whether not she was pressing charges.  In the background Tony was crying and babbling that he was sorry he didn’t mean to kill him.

            Squaring her shoulders she lifted her chin, her eyes like golden chips of ice she looked at Tony with contempt, she wanted to rip him apart, but all she said was, “Yes.”

            Turning her back on Tony’s pleas she calmly walked to the down to the car.  She never looked back.

            Putting her arms around her son, she rested her head on his, as he fell asleep on her shoulder.

            “Never again,” she thought.

            “What was that Roxanne?”  Tom asked, meeting her eyes in his rearview mirror.

            Realizing she had spoken aloud, she merely shook her head, leaned her head against the back of the seat and watched the night fly by.

            How in the hell did a person bounce back from something like this, she wondered?  How did you ever have a ‘normal life’ again?  She hadn’t a clue.  She just knew however it was done; she had to find the way—for herself and more importantly for her son.  Wearily she closed her eyes, trying to shut out the horror of this night as the tears spilled from her beneath her closed lids in glistening tracks down her cheeks.