Irrational fear

I am stepping out of my comfort zone to express a bit of my fears and anxiety over the police.  All you have to do is say the word, and my heart starts to pound.  My fear is that great.  My mentor believes that there must be an incident in my childhood that has created this intense fear, however more recent events certainly justify a fear. 

As you may know, my son has had some challenges.  I elicited some help through the schools and his IEP.  There was a program through the probation department to get him on track, and help me with his behavior.  What happened is that it put him under a microscope and magnified small issues into these enormous problems.  It allowed the police and probation to be closely involved in my home.  Their approach was always from a behavioral view point and always pointed the finger at me for things.  The real issue was that my son was extremely angry with his father, and it was justified, however his expression of this anger was not always acceptable.  I don't believe that his actions deserved the response received from them, but I was stuck in this horrid system.  I have to tell you that my son is doing great now, and completely different.  He worked through his feelings about his father, and seems ready to move on, however the police are still not ready to believe it.  The behavior specialist said that I was doing everything right, i just had a child with some very deep emotional pain.

Just last week, the moment I left for work, three officers and one undercover officer raided my home.  The tore the place apart looking for digital cameras stolen from the local high school.  They were certain that my son had stolen them.  They harassed him and tried to coerce a confession from him, yet he was not involved.  I received a call from the lead officer in the investigation about six hours later at work.  He tried to push me for information too, yet I had no knowledge of the crime.  My son has been doing well, and in no way involved in this crime.  He did not participate in this type of crime before his out of home placement either. 

The crime that sent my son away for nine months was that he took my car for a joy ride in the middle of the night.  Granted this was not a great move on his part.  I woke up in the middle of the night with a police officer standing at the foot of my bed, "Mam.  Mam.  Wake up!"  I can't tell you how terrifying this was to have anyone, no less a police officer wake you up.  They charged him with felony grand theft, although I did not press charges. 

While my son was gone, I was in my room, which is in the back of the house.  Outside of my room is the backyard behind a fence with a latched gate.  I was consoling my daughter who was upset about some school work, when there was a light flashed in my window.  It scared the crap out of me.  I went to the front door and there were six officers there.  They started screaming at me.  They accused me of hiding, and purposely not answering the door.  I didn't even hear them knock, but they insisted.  Finally they got to the point.  They were accusing my son of stealing bikes.  I explained that he did not live here now.  They wanted to know where he was, how long, and how far away it was.  There was a sarcastic nasty attitude to me and my daughter.  Finally I convinced them that it was not possible.  They simply have chosen the wrong target this time. 

One time I had been in the car with the children, and lights and a siren go off from an unmarked car.  I pulled over immediately.  They wanted to question my son about a crime.  He was not involved or had any idea, but they decided that he was the target again.  It was terrifying. 

While my son was gone, I walked out to my front porch to see a teen getting in my car.  I yelled some things at him that I won't repeat.  I got the phone and was on the line with dispatch describing the young man, while he was walking away.  About twenty minutes later a few officers showed up and started harassing me about my son.  I told him that he was not here, and this had nothing to do with him.  I wanted the young man, who i described perfectly to be apprehended.  They laughed!  Alright, they said, "we'll get right on that."  Nothing ever happened. 

When my son was home, he was terribly emotionally distraught.  He had a rage and wanted to kill himself.  I called the police.  I did not know what to do.  The officer arrived and started yelling at me for wasting his time.  He looked at his watch, and said he had more important things to do. 

I have many, many more stories of their lack of respect, their horrible attitudes, their invasion, their lack of understanding, and their invasive intrusion into our lives.  It is just horrifying.  I can barely breath right now, and I have no idea when they will show up again to turn my house upside down at their whim.  My son is not a criminal.  He got in some fights, had terrible emotional issues, and stole my car, yet they seem to think that he is involved in every theft in a fifty mile radius.  I don't know what he needs to do to make them believe in him. 

I cannot deal with hearing the word police.  I go into a cold sweat when I see them.  I never know when they are following me in unmarked cars.  I never know when they are going to invade my home.  I never know when they are going to accuse me or my son of some unspeakable crime.  I am a woman that has never been involved in the police.  I have never committed a crime or even gotten a speeding ticket! Crime, the police and that whole world is not something I had ever been exposed to in my life, yet it appears I invited them in, when I asked to have them help my son.  To protect and serve?  yeah right~