Ok, I have NEVER posted anything about my personal life on the internet before, but I am at the end of my rope here and need to vent and hopefully get some advice from people who are not at all involved in the situation.
So here goes... I am a single mother of two teenage daughter (as many of you know), but what none of you know is that my oldest daughter is bipolar with an eating disorder. She has been in the hospital for her eating disorder or complications from her eating disorder 4 times this year. The mental heath portion of her health insurance maxed out by mid April. Fortuantly I have a great career and am in a positin to afford the extra expenses (we just had to cancel the 2 vacations we had planed)
My biggest problems I have is :
1) I feel like a terrible mom I work about 60 hrs a week to keep up with the expenses (including designer clothes, so really noone is suffering on that side) I just feel like I should be home more for the kids. My mom has recently retired so she has been doing a lot of things with them while I work which helps ease the guilt, but still...I'm the mom.... which brings us to ......
2) if that dumb SOB who fathered my childeren whould pay child support or at least help pay for medical expenses ...even some of the MANY prescriptions that she takes maybe I wouldn't have to work so damm hard!!!!!I do feel that I should explain in his defense that back in 1995 I signed a release that wavied my right to child suppoert (I made more money than him, all I cared about was that he "be there" for the girls. Alot has changed since then, he used to help with medical expenses, school clothes things like that. He is no longer able to help me financially at all because his wife does not work and her two kids from a previous marriage also want expensive things that he must pay for(did I mention that his wife's EX husband does in fact pay child support). I try very hard not to be the "bitter Ex wife, but damm.... I work 60 hrs a week and she takes her DOG to get highlights in it's hair" oh, did I mention...I nolonger make more money than he does.... that is not to say he is not involved in the lives of my daughters, he takes my oldest to most of her doctor appointments (sometimes that is as many as 2 or 3 a week) and he sees them every day (at his mother's house, my children do not feel welcome in his home) but a good example is that my daughter was sucidal not long ago (I was at work) so she called her dad to talk through her feelings, he told her he had to go because his step daughter had broken her cell phone and he had to go by a new one....WTF!!!!!! how is that more important than HIS daughter's life???? fortuantly I work for a great group of doctors who understand the situation with my daughter and she came up to the office and hung out while I was seeing patients, but DAMM!!!!!
the biggest thing is the kids worship their dad and think he can do no wrong, and I will not say or do anything to make him look bad in their eyes ( I just won't ...it goes against everything I beleive in to turn a kid against a parent) He knows that I won't do anything to cause a problem, he knows I will not file for child support(the kids have asked me not to because he told them he can't afford it and would end up in jail and it would be my fault)he knows I will continue to work my butt off to provided for all they need. but at what point should I say enough is enough and put my foot down? It's not like my kids are little, they are 14 and 16 and I feel like it's time he stepped up to the plate a little. Is it wrong to say I need financial help from him, even though in the divorced I told the judge I didn't need it(remember that was 12 yrs ago)? Can I even do that? even if I didn't ask for child support shouldn't he have to help with the medical bills?
Am I just feeling sorry for my self or do I have a valid complaint?
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Comments: 24
ok heres the deal you asked for advice or some feedback,i am very upfront so here it is,both barrels..
im just gonna speak my thoughts and i hope your not offended..
it pisses me off that your 2 daughters cant even get financial help from their own father because he hasta buy his step daughter a new cell phone,thats bullshit...
(sorry,i cuss alot when i hear or read something that makes me mad,dont know why)
bu in my opinion,oh yes you do have a valid complaint and yes i feel now is the time you haveta,for your childrens sake and your sake,put your foot down at long last..
the way i would do it is this....call him up,maybe go out to lunch with him(if your still on talking terms)..and discuss matters with him..if he refuses to help his own flesh and blood..explain to him what you haveta do since he now makes more money than you..go home,discuss the situation with your children,hide nothing from them and be honest..
then contact a lawyer and discuss your options...
im sorry,but your only 1 person hun,everyone needs help at some point and now it seems you need help.ask for it..dont yell but hun.its time he help his own children..dont you think?
these are just my thoughts and i hope they help you in some way..
p.s. your children love you and i can tell you love them Kimberlee,im sure they understand why you haveta work so much..although it seems you dont spend enough time with them,but what matters is your doing it for them.thats right,thats just and hun,im proud of you...
both for sharing your story and for showing me your real feelings toards your daughters,not many people would think of only them as you are..
your a brave woman..so be brave enough to ask their father for help.
you can do it,i know it
your friend,
~Chri§~
we are definitely in different places as i depend on child support, however i admire you a lot for being able to stand on your own two feet
perhaps a talk to a lawyer will clarify this question, just say, i need the help now,
can you talk to your husband?
i am trying not to be bitter so i admire you but i also believe in being honest and i tell my kids how i feel despite what the books say because i do believe in honesty above all.
you seem to have a lot on your plate but also help from mom-great!
and then there is that career you have -great!
so there are points of light
some of which i envy.
there is only so much you can do and i guess health insurance in the USA is a big problem, can the teenagers or at least one work a bit?
anyway i wish you all the best!
2. it is totally time to demand child support. You should never have signed that waiver 12 yers ago, but that's unfortinate water under the bridge. You donm't have to sucker for the lies he tells the kids. File for child support. He has no right to deprive his child of medicine while buying stupid designer clothes for a step-child. He owes your children--his children--the responsibility of child support, and if he goes to jail for failing there, it will be a healthy lesson for the kids, to see that responsibilities must *never* be ignored. Especially not when the person gets the privileges without putting forth the required effort. That's a total no-go!
Chris- first off, no...I am not offended in the least and yes for the most part he and I are still on good terms as I feel that is important for the girls. I have called the EAP at work for a consult with a lawyer (I just feel guilty about doing it, I feel like I made a promise to him many years ago that I would not make him pay and I feel like now I am breaking a promise) I hae discussed this with the kids, my younger daughter feels "daddy" should help out more, but my oldest now feels it is all her fault because it is her medical bills that has put me in this situation (evidently that was why she felt sucidal, thinking if "she went away so would the financial problems"
Siglalit- my 16 yr old is looking for a job, but it seems all the jobs are taken by college students home for the summer (hopefully when school starts she will have better luck) my 14 yr old mows lawns to earn spending money. I know I have been lucky as a single mom not really having to stress the financial issues other moms face, and I am very lucky that both my parent's and my ex in-laws live very close by to help out with the kids.I'm always here if you need to talk.
Rose- yes, my Ex as well as my mother are Bipolar, and my daughter has shown some borderline tendencies this last year. She has never threatened suicide before she says it was because she felt her illness was a financial burden and wanted to releive me of that burden (guilt at it's best) of Course one of the first things I did was count her pills to make sure she had taken them, but as she is also anorexic and sometimes bulemic I can not be sure she did not purge the pills but she has taken them (but she has not lost weight since she came home fromthe last hospital) As far as the clothes...defentily not mine, I wear scrubs 80% of the time and most of my other clothes I have had for years. the kids are the ones who like the "designer clothes" I buy them so they can "fit in" I know I shouldn't, but ..... and don't worry i'm not mad at all.
Deb- Thanks fo rthe support, as I have said I feel guilty about calling for legal advise, it helps to know others think I am doing the right thing.
again I would like to thank all for their support and ideas....it really has helped to talk about it.
As I have said amnot into desiger clothes, I agree that clothes do not make the person, and for me scrubs are just more pratical i wear "street clothes" on Fridays at work and on the weekends, but seldom buy new things, I keep my clothes in good shape and try to buy "timeless" pieces. I like to look nice, but have learned accessries (which are easy to find at second hand shops) make the outfit . As a teenage girl my parents provided me with expensive things , and I just want the same for my kids they should not have to pay for my divorce or my choices in life. I do spend every moment possible with the girls, we go horseback riding at my grandparents most weekends and during the week if I get off early enough. We hang out togather all weekend (even though most of the time I have a few of their friends along as well)
AS far as their dad goes I agre that they must learn people are responsible for their actions, I have also tried to teach them youdon't need a man to support you (not a very popular opinion in my area)
The other day he ask again and I had to speak my mind and tell him that my health insurance had run out and that it bothered me. His best contribution was, "Don't get sick." He has insurance through his company and it would not have been a big deal to add me. At least I don't think so. This has just made me so mad that I could spit.
I hope their father contributes to their needs, no matter what your contribution. Good luck.
He should pay for his kids in everything they do and need.
With hindsight I wish I had taken him to court, I would have given my son a better life and maybe I wouldn't be in so much physical problems now myself. Talk to the man, tell your daughter that no amount of money would ever make up for her not being in the world with you and her sister. And tell dad he has no choice but to help. Your kids will understand.
stop buying designer clothes...unless the kids have jobs they do not get designer clothes.
get to a shrink and fast. for you and the girls.
I am a mom of a 19 year old, my ex paid a total of 100 bucks in child support before he died. My husband adopted my daughter and fortunately we have health insurance through the military.
you are the mother, you a make the money and pay the bills, your kids do not dictate what they need...you do..now get back to court and get their bum of a father to pay.
I keep it brief as I have a tendency to be long winded... As a father, I have no patience for men who are "biologically" fathers, but fail to do the things that are mandated by the that title.
Father is somehing that is earned like General, Captain, Admiral and the like... Quite frankly he hasn't earned squat! Your daughters need to call him by his first name... When you are a Dad you do WHAT IS REQUIRED OF YOU... NO MATTER WHAT THE COST TO YOURSELF.
This guy needs a foot in the ass... You taking him through the system would be the best thing that happened to him as his priorities are way out of whack!
God bless you!
to update I have asked my ex t have coffee with me next Thursday Morning before work so we can talk. I will update all of you then. I am also going to ask why the kids see him at his mothers house and not his home. They do not feel like they are welcome in his home so I think I should address that as well.
I agree that to be a good parent you must make the decisions. Speak with your daughters, by all means, letting them understand your choices.
Designer clothes. How about a gift of one or two items for birthday and Christmas only? Normal things the rest of the time. Compromise is the hallmark of creativity.
One of the things you may want to stress with your Ex is that you would like to spend more time with the girls, and his support would help in that area. They need you, especially at this age, and especially your older girl with health problems.
I agree that solving the problem of their not feeling welcome in their Father's home. It is up to him to be sure this is not a problem for the girls. To bow to his new family over and above his own children is a crime.
I wish you all the best, and will look forward to the next update. Good luck, and may God Bless you and the children.
She said, "I'm not good. The reason my son hates him is because my ex speaks badly of me, and I don't reciprocte, so my son hates his father and thinks I'm a saint. In reality, I'm playing a game of my own.
I didn't admire her anymore, but I know the wrong thing to do is to give the kids any bad ideas about their dad. They know what your sacrifices are.
I would speak to him and explain to him why you're going to get a new court order because things have changed. I'd go to a lawyer and you'll see the money come your way before you hit the lawyer's door. Good luck.