TRUST ME
Chapter 1
Eleanor Coggins paused before the three-foot-high hedge surrounding the dark patio. Scooting her tight dress up her thighs, she carefully hoisted a leg over the greenery. Midway across, a twig snagged her hose, her shoe heel caught in the hidden wrought-iron fence, and she fell in a sprawling heap onto the rough slate patio.
Eleanor grimaced and mentally added cat burglar to the long list of professions she sucked at.
Brushing off her palms, she stood cautiously. The nearby windows remained dark, and the secluded patio was blacker than the lawn she had just crossed, where she'd had to dodge and slink past streaks of yellow light from the large windows.
She hiked her skirt into place with a firm twist and brushed at her rear end to remove any grit she might have picked up from the flagstones. Not that the immaculate Westfield house and grounds would have a particle of dirt out of place this Friday evening. Even in exclusive Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, the grandiose Westfield mansion made its neighbors look shabby.
Eleanor tried to fluff some semblance of neatness into her long blond waves, then peered closely at her left leg. In the dark she couldn't see where the bush had torn her nylons. She could feel the hole, though, and the run that snaked up her inner thigh to the heavy leather strap of the holster. Damn. She pivoted her leg on the shoe heel, checking to make sure the gun didn't show. The strap was so tight her left leg was probably white from the lack of circulation, and the weight of the gun made her feel so off-balance she nearly limped, but she felt confident no one could see what she hid on her upper thigh. As long as she didn't cross her legs and shoot her toes off.
The tiny purse she'd slung over her neck had flopped onto her back in the fall. Eleanor repositioned the bag on her shoulder and removed two items. Switching on the little penlight, she held it between her teeth while she set to work with the lock pick on the French doors.
At least this part of the job went smoothly. The hours of diligent practice in the back room of her cousin's hardware store paid off. After two minutes of concentration, studiously ignoring the laughter and music drifting from the front part of the house, she heard the lock click back. Eleanor softly turned the handle on the door, then slipped into the darkened library.
She was in the enemy's lair.
Her quick, nervous breaths sucked in the scent of leather and stale cigars. Shadowy rows of books rose beside her. Eleanor walked along them, running the tiny light over volumes of leather-bound classics, and snorted quietly. It had to be for show. A man could not have been exposed to such literary enrichment without absorbing a few virtues. And as far as Eleanor knew, Banner Westfield had none.
The penlight suddenly hit open space and slid over glistening blue scales. Eleanor jumped, then shone the light along the mounted body of a fish, mouth agape and dead eye unnaturally bright. Stepping back, she bumped into an expanse of leather large enough to be a cow, knocking the wheeled chair against a desk.
Cursing under her breath, she steadied the spinning chair, then stepped around it. The desk before her was a vast expanse of polished wood and inset leather, gleaming expensively even in the thin beam of her penlight. Her lips curved at the white frame of a computer monitor, and the dull glint of brass locks on the side desk drawers. Eldorado. At least she hoped so. If her answers weren't here, she might have to resort to the gun, an option she didn't want to think about.
She glanced at the dark bulk of double doors directly across the room. Still closed. And with the party at full tilt, they should stay that way. Unless someone felt the urgent need for a paperclip, or a quick dose of Tolstoy to go with their vodka, she should have a couple hours of undisturbed snooping and pilfering.
She snapped on the small brass desk lamp and blinked at the sudden glare. As her eyes adjusted, she glanced nervously at the hulking shadows of more bovine-sized chairs and sofas. Between the books, desk, and chairs, it was a wonder the room didn't smell like a cattle yard. Dismissing her prickling sense of unease, she bent to apply her lock pick to the lower desk drawer.
"I wouldn't do that."
Eleanor gasped and dropped the pick. The voice was low, menacing, and about ten feet to her right. She fumbled for the pick on the floor with trembling fingers, while peering into the shadows. She didn't have to look closely. A tall man stepped forward and loomed over her. His body was visible in the dim desk light, but from the neck up he blended into the dark room behind him, a headless presence dressed in trousers, vest, white shirt, and tie.
Eleanor's fingers closed around the lock pick. From her crouched position she asked in an unsteady voice, "Who are you?" and immediately chastised herself for sounding so defensive. If she was going to bluff her way out of this, she had to be more assertive. She needed to be in this house.
She meant to stand with slow dignity, but she yelped in surprise as he wrapped one hand around her upper arm and hauled her to her feet.
"I think the appropriate question is who are you? And what are you doing here?"
He had her beat on assertiveness, with a good amount of anger thrown in. He hadn't let go of her arm, and in fact, had pulled her closer to get a better look. She tilted her chin up and boldly met his face, a grim visage in shades of gray, with dark, colorless eyes that drilled into her own from mere inches away, like a near-sighted predator zeroing in on its prey. A predator with a subtle woodsy-fresh smell.
Realization hit her like a fist. This was Banner Westfield. The chiseled features were softened by the darkness, but he was the right height, about six foot two, with dark hair and the attitude of a pit bull. She had fallen into his hands, first time out. It occurred to her that she really had to find something she could do without screwing up. Soon.
Setting her lips in a firm line, Eleanor stared back. She had no bluff, so her only option was to remain stubbornly silent until she could figure something out.
He was not patient. Dissatisfied with either her silence or his inability to recognize her, he jerked on her arm and pulled her around the desk. She stumbled after him so closely that her foot tangled with his and she tripped, but his firm grasp on her arm kept her upright. The corner of the desk jabbed her hip before he thrust her against the front so roughly she was nearly sitting on the desktop. She uttered an offended, "Hey," then flinched and turned her head away from a sudden, blinding stab of light. His free right hand had turned the brass-shaded lamp upward, directing its beam at her face. He released it to grab her chin and force her face toward the light.
Eleanor blinked rapidly while her pupils tried to adjust, then managed an angry glare. He could look all he wanted; he wouldn't recognize her and she still wouldn't talk.
While he scowled and studied her face, she took her first close-up look at evil. In the yellow glare of the desk lamp, the sharply defined nose was more blunt than she'd expected, with a high bridge. The expected thin slash of mouth had a surprisingly sensual curve, and more fullness than she'd noticed in photographs. The clenched jaw was certainly as firmly drawn as she'd known it would be, although the chin was flat and didn't show that model-perfect cleft she'd seen in the pictures. And the blue eyes . . . Eleanor frowned. The blue eyes were brown.
"You're not Banner Westfield."
Her chin moved against his cupped palm as she spoke. The accusation seemed to refocus his attention, and he dropped his hand. His eyes assessed hers for several long seconds.
"No, I'm not. Disappointed?"
She ignored his question and made another stab at a bold offense. "Then who are you?"
The attractive mouth flattened into a humorless smile. "My line again. We seem to be at an impasse."
"Right. Maybe we should just get back to the party."
She took one step forward, as though expecting her bluff to work. He put a hand on her shoulder and pushed her back against the desk. "Let's not."
He spread his feet apart and stood close to her, effectively blocking any escape. Arms folded, he studied her, his eyes moving slowly from head to toe. "I don't recall seeing you at the party."
She smiled. "Perhaps we weren't introduced."
"Or perhaps you were never in the house until you came through those French doors."
At least his arrogant attitude was putting her in touch with some indignation of her own. "Well, you would know, since you were lurking here in the dark. I think that looks just as suspicious." She tilted her head and examined his attire in much the way he had looked her over. "Perhaps you came through those same doors."
"Nice try."
His sardonic look said she was wrong, but for a moment something had flickered across his face. A brief crack in that haughty confidence. Eleanor had watched the house for a long time before making her nerve-racking dash from the trees to the patio. No one had entered through those French doors before she had. No one had turned on the lights in the library either, not even the little desk lamp. It didn't seem likely that he would have escaped the party to sulk in a pitch dark library.
Eleanor lifted her head and gave him a knowing smile. He might have belonged at the party, but she would bet anything he didn't belong in this library. He might be running as big a bluff as she was, and that could be her way out.
He half-closed one eye suspiciously. But before either of them could speak, a soft click sounded from the doors across the room. A crack of light appeared from whatever part of the house adjoined the library, and the faint background sounds of talking and music grew louder.
Eleanor stiffened. She had begun to see a slight hope that she might wiggle out of a breaking and entering charge. But if someone else found her here, her chance of escaping plummeted. She had a brief, panicked thought of jumping behind the massive desk, but an arm had already appeared in the widening doorway. There was no time to hide.
"Trust me," he said.
Jerking her unceremoniously off the desk and into his arms, he lowered his lips to hers, wrapping her in a devouring kiss.
Eleanor's startled exclamation was muffled against his mouth and her breasts were mashed against his chest. She hadn't realized her arms were braced stiffly against his shoulders until his teeth moved against her lips and he muttered, "Hold me, damn it!"
She did. Her first instinct had been to resist anything he said, but in the next instant she knew what he was doing. It was a diversion, not an assault. Whoever was opening the door would see a couple in a passionate embrace and, if they were decently discreet, duck out again.
Eleanor threw her arms around his neck and kissed him back.
She meant to peek over his shoulder to see who opened the door and when they left, but he surprised her again. His forceful kiss suddenly slowed, and his lips began moving lightly, sensuously over her own. A hand slid up her neck and cradled the back of her head. Eleanor's thoughts faltered, then took a sharp U-turn. Her entire attention was focused on what he was doing to her. She didn't care who was watching from the doorway, but knew whoever it was would be getting a good show.
She must have been kissed this passionately before, but not within recent memory, and not with this man's thorough attention to details. One hand pressed her body against his while the other strayed toward her face, caressing her cheek and smoothing back tendrils of hair. Meanwhile, his mouth nibbled and touched, and made long, slow explorations of her lips. When his tongue touched hers and she made a small sound of surprise, it seemed to inspire even more ardent kissing.
She was light-headed and flushed, and startled to find she was enjoying herself. This might all be for show, but the man was good looking, obviously knew what he was doing, and she ought to salvage at least one good memory from her cat-burglary debacle. What the hell, she told herself. You have to take what life gives you, and lately life had given Eleanor Coggins damn little. A passionate kiss with a handsome stranger might fall under partial compensation.
He pressed her backward and the desk came up against her butt again. If he thought she'd be intimidated by his dominant position, he could just think again. Her kisses never faltered. She laced her fingers through his hair, clung to his neck, and leaned backward, absorbed in every languorous touch of his lips. The guy was good, very good.
His body moved more intimately against hers, and he pressed one firm thigh between her legs. Operating on pure instinct she bent her left leg and wrapped it possessively around his leg. By the time she remembered she shouldn't do that, it was too late. She knew he had felt the gun.
Eleanor froze. So did he. In the sudden silence, the library door clicked shut.
Inches apart, they stared at each other. Eleanor's heart pounded against his chest even louder than it had when he kissed her. His body still forced her backward, but she thought it best not to protest her position just now. He was breathing hard, and she suspected it was more from anger than passion. In the light of the desk lamp beside them, she watched his eyes go cold and stern.
When he finally spoke, it wasn't what she expected. "Who was it?" he asked in a low voice.
"What?" She glanced toward the door, then back to his face, hovering so close in front of her. "At the door? I have no idea."
"Describe him."
She stuck her chin out. "I can't, I had my eyes closed." She knew he'd take it as some sort of compliment, and from the arrogant twitch beside his lip, she was right. "Besides, I wouldn't recognize anyone. What difference does it make? They left."
"The difference is, if it was old George DeMarco trying to sneak some of Banner's imported cigars, he won't say anything. But if it was anyone with the last name of Westfield, we are going to be interrupted again very soon. I don't need any more problems with that dysfunctional, screwed-up family, and I don't think you want to be discovered in here."
"I don't think you do, either." From his irritated frown, she could see it was true.
"Look, sweetheart . . ."
"Don't call me sweetheart," she snapped.
"I have no reason to trust your ethics, your motives, or your intentions. And I don't intend to be involved in your criminal life, including any plans for murder. In which case, you'd better give me that gun."
"Don't be ridiculous, I'm not going to shoot anyone."
"Right, you only do robberies, the gun is just for show. Hand it over."
She stiffened and tried to clasp her legs together, but his thigh was still between them, so it only felt like a sexually possessive move. "No."
She could see his patience wearing thin with every second she delayed. "This is not up for debate. Give it to me, or I'll take it," he demanded.
"Try it and I'll break your fingers."
It was a totally empty threat. He must have questioned her harmless nature though, because he spent several long seconds looking into her eyes before his lip curved up.
"I believe I'll take the chance."
As fast as a darting snake, his hand reached up her dress and grasped the gun. Eleanor slapped her hand over his, clenching his through the slinky black material of her dress. He had a firm grip on the gun, but it was still holstered, and he couldn't release it as long as she held onto his hand. The leather holster was scraping her leg painfully, and his warm fingers touched her inner thigh alarmingly close to her panties.
"Get your hand off me, you perverted creep," she growled.
"Gladly, you homicidal thief. As soon as I get what I want."
She was about to spit a well-constructed string of profanities at him, when the door opened forcefully, a hand hit a wall switch, and a dozen recessed lights flared on.
Eleanor jumped, and felt his hand slip away as he whirled around to face the door. She tugged her dress down, but not fast enough to escape the scathing notice of the well-dressed woman standing in the doorway.
The woman's disdainful eyes shifted from Eleanor and rested with no more affection on the man who'd just had his hand up her dress. The woman's mouth pursed with undisguised contempt as she addressed him. "Would you like to tell me what's going on here, or should I assume the usual?"
He stepped aside slightly so Eleanor was able to see his relaxed smile, and she realized he'd made a vain attempt to shield her from view. Probably to spare himself, since he'd been groping up her dress.
"Hello, Mother," he said, and Eleanor nearly did a double take. This stiff, unpleasant woman was his mother? "I'm sorry I didn't see you when we arrived. I don't believe you've met my fiancée."
He held out a hand to Eleanor. It took several seconds to understand that he was referring to her and not some woman he had abandoned at the party. She looked at his outstretched hand in stunned disbelief, then at him. Playing at kissing him was one thing, but now she was engaged to him? She was about to inform him that he could take his charade and stuff it, when she noticed his tense stance and the silent plea in his eyes. He needed her to play along. Desperately.
Her mind rapidly sorted the available facts. Whatever reason he had for this absurd game, it could not hurt to have him indebted to her. He apparently needed her to be his fiancée. More important, being engaged to him might give her access to this house, with more chances in the future to search for the evidence she needed.
Eleanor smiled graciously and took her new fiancé's hand, edging off the desk as smoothly as possible. Filling in the awkward hole in his introduction, she smiled and said, "How nice to meet you. I'm Eleanor Coggins."
The woman raised one eyebrow and repeated the name Coggins, apparently searching her memory for some respectable family of that name. She must not have found one, because her cold look said Eleanor had not risen perceptibly in her estimation. Eleanor wondered what sort of woman would expend so much scorn on her own son and his future wife, when her still-nameless fiancé completed the introduction.
"Eleanor, I'd like you to meet my mother, Elizabeth Payton Westfield."
Westfield?
Elizabeth tipped her head slightly at her, while Eleanor's mind raced. His mother was a Westfield. He must be a Westfield. She could have run through a mental family tree of cousins, but there was no point. She knew Elizabeth Payton Westfield was the name of Banner's mother. She had just become engaged to Banner's brother.
Eleanor flashed a look at her new fiancé that promised retribution. He smiled back with bared teeth, looking dangerously prepared for the confrontation, not to mention attractive as hell.
She really should find out his name.


Comments: 120
You also need to work on separations between different characters' dialogue.
Good luck
You've got action, meeting of the hero and heroine, humor, and tension. You dropped us right into the story with no unnecessary backstory. And this is a good story, interesting and well-presented.
You obviously proofed for grammar and punctuation. Thank you for caring about the craft enough to do that and do it well.
Great lines--...mentally added cat burglar to the long list of professions she sucked at.
...a headless presence dressed in trousers, vest, white shirt, and tie.
Loved your description of him not being Banner. Well-crafted.
You obviously aren't new to writing. No flowery over-writing here. Just an intriguing tale told well. "Trust Me" has all the elements needed for an enjoyable and successful romance. Elements readers look for in all their books.
I fully expect to see "Trust Me" in the next round.
You've got my first 10. And now I'm off to share this gem of a story with my Gather friends. Success to you, Starr.
Only one thing disturbed my visual enjoyment of your writing, and it's a very small thing. When she's approaching the desk she bumps into a chair, "knocking the wheeled chair against the desk". In the next sentence she "steadied the spinning chair". I had to think about that... because I envisioned a chair with a tall back, and if it bumped against the desk, would the chair still be spinning? My desk chair (a tested and true spinner according to my 2 year old) stops spinning when it gets bumped up against the desk.
Of course, if I didn't have direct experience with chairs bumping vs spinning I never would have caught it.
I hope to read Chapter 2. I'm interested to find out why Mr. Westfield is having Eleanor pose as his fiancee. And what will his name be?
As a fellow contestant I wish you the best of luck.
Thanks so much, Beth. Nice to meet such a perceptive person! :) Honestly, I feel like a puppy with a madly wagging tail.
Very enjoyable! Thanks for a good read!
Nice flow, you pulled me into the story with: "Eleanor grimaced and mentally added cat burglar to the long list of professions she sucked at." and my first laugh. Actually you have several great lines that tickled me: "Unless someone felt the urgent need for a paper clip, or a quick dose of Tolstoy to go with their vodka, she should have a couple hours of undisturbed snooping and pilfering." "Eleanor's thoughts faltered, then took a sharp U-turn..."
Ok, I admit it, I wanted to be there being kissed like that by Mr. Banner--"my lands, honey child, where is my fan when I need one...whew! I do so hate bein' hot and flushed" lol! Seriously, you did a good job building sexual tension, the smell, his mouth, the description. Uh huh! All that and then that last line, " She really should find out his name." Conflict aplenty. Some interesting times ahead for these two!
Great job, Starr!
Sylvia
At first as I read, I thought I'd have nothing helpful to contribute in the way of suggestions, but I did find a few nits. Take the advice that fits for you, and leave the rest.
"Realization hit her like a fist." – not a bad line, but immediately preceding you have a "like a" line. Careful with having them too close.
"Dissatisfied with either her silence or his inability to recognize her, he jerked on her arm" – It just seems too much of a leap to assume he's dissatisfied with not recognizing her…maybe just "obviously dissatisfied with her lack of cooperation" or something…
"Don't call me sweetheart," she snapped. – it's okay, but it's "snappier" without the saidism. Maybe even snappier without repeating "sweetheart. Ala:
"Listen, sweetheart—" "Don't call me that."
Just a suggestion.
"I have no reason to trust your ethics, - this is completely non sequitur at this point. First, she's not asked him to trust her – second, how did ethics get involved?
"This is not up for debate. Give it to me, or I'll take it," he demanded. – again, use your saidisms judiciously. Somewhere you used "she growled" and got away with it…but your dialogue-writing skills are very good. It's obvious from what he's saying that it IS a demand. The tension between these two characters doesn't need to be improved, BUT by being careful with your dialogue tags, their interaction will be even more tense. If it's obvious he's saying something, you don't need the tag. That's my opinion anyway….
And now, lines I liked and initially copied to intersperse with my typical "harsh critique." Since my nitpicks were so minor, there was no need for that…so I grouped these all together as examples of why I like this piece so much…
"Eleanor grimaced and mentally added cat burglar to the long list of professions she sucked at." – both cute and intriguing!
Unless someone felt the urgent need for a paperclip, or a quick dose of Tolstoy to go with their vodka – LOVE IT!
"it was a wonder the room didn't smell like a cattle yard." – chuckle!
"I wouldn't do that." – you'd set the scene so well, that I JUMPED at this line! I think an earlier reviewer may have confused the solitude and dark mystery of the quiet library, with the opening being "slow." I didn't feel that way at all! This line has enormous punch because of the way your opening was so carefully constructed.
"I can't, I had my eyes closed." She knew he'd take it as some sort of compliment, - HELL yes I woul….errrrrrrr, he should! I think this simple line is a prime example of one of the reasons why I love your piece so much. "Trust Me" is a great example of a term used in the publishing industry, "transportive," meaning it transports you into the scene of the story. As a man, I feel like I'm playing the male role in this novel. It's great knowing Eleanor's internal monologue, because I'm filling in "his" (what the heck IS HIS NAME???) internal monologue with my own. Beautiful!
Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I do have a big problem here. I know it's still the first week, but SIX VOTES? You don't need to get out there and draw attention to your work in order to be a good writer. Unfortunately, we all need to overcome insecurities and false beliefs that we need not market ourselves, in order to be PUBLISHED writers. Books do not sell themselves. The long sad story of woe by writers in the last competition who didn't advance to the 2nd round because of a lack of support from their family and friends, fell on my deaf ears (hmmmm, that might be a POV violation). Anyway, GET OUT THE VOTE. I'm tempted to not vote for you until you do (but okay I will!). I'd love to share this wonderful chapter with MY family and friends…but why should I unless you're confident enough to do so?
Maybe it's just "strategery," but PLEASE do not leave it up to the gather administration to advance this work to the next round! If you do, I'll need to hunt you down to read the next chapter. I'll do it too……trust me!
;-)
Stephen, what a review! Thanks for taking the time. As I noted above, I appreciate even the nit-picky critiques.
As for soliciting votes... I'm total newbie and don't have a group of Gather friends to ask for votes. And as far as family goes, mine is very small, with maybe 4 people I could ask to join and vote. I'll consider that! I suppose I could vote for myself, repeatedly, but that would be unethical. Can't do it. So I'll just ask you and the others who find this -- if you like my story, please tell your friends to check it out! Thanks.
One thing that caught my eye and "reminded me that I'm reading" was "gleaming expensively". There's got to be a better description of the desk.
And I always hope for a heroine who will do more than slap ineffectively at a man, but that's just a pet peeve. ;)
Good luck! I think that even with a small circle of friends and family, since the editorial team is on the lookout for good stuff, you've still got a real chance. (I know that's what I'm banking on! Safe Sex and Home Repair)
OK, loved the opening hook. The cat burglar line is just great. It's perfectly understandable that she'd be in a dress and heels. For starters, if caught, she can pretend to be just another party guest. Secondly, it gives her freedom to roam through the house, a burglar in plain site, as it were. Lastly, it would allow her to leave through the front door, if need be. Much better idea than standard cat burglar attire!
You pulled me into this immediately. In such a small space, you've created a solid environment, a funny, sassy, screwball heroine I want to know more about, and a situation that will keep me turning pages. The intro to the hero is gripping. Suave, cool, and devastating.
And oh my, that kiss! Trust me indeed! The author immediately draws the reader into the sexual tension with a single, super-heated, diversionary tactic of a kiss!
Love these lines:
"Get your hand off me, you perverted creep," she growled.
"Gladly, you homicidal thief. As soon as I get what I want."
Yes, this sounds like true love. You have a great ending hook, and I'm going to be jumping up and down begging for the rest of this book! Please put me in line with Steve to get a copy of this!
Thank you for caring enough about the craft of writing and about your novel to make sure you had the punctuation, grammar, etc. down perfectly. This is a well edited piece, and it shows.
I'm here on Beth's recommendation, and as usual, she's right. I agree with Steve, get the vote out on this. We're passing the word on this little gem as much as possible!
Congratulations on a job very well done, and good luck!
Thanks to all of you for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Be assured, if I haven't read and commented on your entry yet, I will.
This really is wonderful. I enjoyed it very much, and not just because I'm a fellow Michigan native. I love the premise you've crafted here -- an uneasy alliance between a couple who's obviously attracted to eachother, yet mistrusting, probably with good reason.
One thing in particular, I appreciated was how seamlessly your descriptions such as Eleanor's physical appearance, were woven into the story. I also enjoyed the playful tone and humor. And then there's the promise of a memorable villian who's related somehow to the hero. Maybe his brother? Cousin? Hmmmm... Very nice!
I agree that you need to get the mature audience flag removed asap. Otherwise, you'll be voting on fellow contestant's entries, and when they try to return the favor, your article will come up as unavailable -- but you already knew that, I'm sure. I'd love to see this entry make it to round two, but you'll probably have to hustle a little on the dreaded marketing front.
I'd go into more specifics on what I enjoyed and small suggestions for improvements, but my fellow Wombats have already done such a terrific job that I'd only be repeating what's already been said.
Good luck in the contest!
Grrrr, very frustrating waiting for gather to remove that mature flag. I really goofed with that one.
You belong in the second round! Best of luck to you!
Don't be discouraged, though. You've got the right stuff. People will tell their friends and they will come looking for you. I gave you a 10.
Nothing I can add on those sides but I'm in the same boat on the friends and family support.
If you don't make it in the competition I want to know that you are submitting it to publisher, rejection letters be damned, someone will want this.
Good Luck.
Badeaux Knights
"She hiked her skirt into place with a firm twist " - Hiking her skirt would be pulling it up, not down. I'd likely have opted for the usual tugged or smoothed or something pedantic like that.
Good luck in the contest, Starr.
My only critiques:
Her quick, nervous breaths sucked in the scent of leather and stale cigars. This was awkward. I'd give up the idea of the quick nervous breaths, which we can assume, and let it go at describing the scents.
Stepping back, she bumped into an expanse of leather large enough to be a cow, knocking the wheeled chair against a desk. Again, awkward. Simpler to identify the 'expanse of leather' as a leather chair right off the bat, ala: Stepping back, she bumped into a leather chair large enough to be a cow, knocking it against the desk.
My only other critique - the kiss went on for nine paragraphs. I began to lose interest in it before it ended. Maybe give it a bit of a trim?
I loved their argument over the gun - very funny. Good luck.
Cathy
Caren
My Fantasy Spy
If you haven't already, I invite you to read my entry, "Indian Summer" http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977073608
A "10" to you from this Wombat.
Good luck in the competition.
It seems that everyone picked on the minor details already, except for one that "popped" me out of reading for just a second.
"The strap was so tight her left leg was probably white from the lack of circulation, and the weight of the gun made her feel so off-balance she nearly limped, but she felt confident no one could see what she hid on her upper thigh."
Having had a co-worker put a zip-tie on her finger so tightly we almost had to go to the ER to have it removed, I can tell you that anything lacking circulation will turn purple.
Also, I'm wondering what kind of gun she'd have strapped to her leg that would be small enough to not be noticeable, and still be heavy enough to almost cause her to limp. Most guns that would be that small shouldn't have that much impact on someone's balance, and the handguns that would be that heavy wouldn't hide as well. Sorry, but having grown up with brothers who believe in the right to bear arms, I've seen quite a variety of handguns and it just made me wonder.
The only other thing I might suggest is to watch your tenses. Its something I'm guilty of, and because I'm trying to improve that part of my writing, I tend to notice it more. There are cases where it definitely works, but you may want to go back through and make sure that you have past tense and present tenses where you want them.
Good luck! :)
p.s. I wear pantyhose so that did not even merit a second thought from me.
This was fantastic! My favorite line: "A predator with a subtle woodsy-fresh smell." Your style is engaging, fun, and mysterious all at the same time. And what a fantastic twist that the stranger is Banner Westgate's brother. The dialogue really pops, and it is fast-paced and polished.
I am impressed, and I would love to read more. Good luck in the competition!
This is great, Starr! Gobbled up every word and am ready for more - where's chapter 2? Seems that perhaps our hero is the "black sheep" of the family. I do love a black sheep, but I guess I will have to wait and see if my predictions are correct. I like your heroine too. I'm so intrigued by what she was looking for in this house. You also have some excellent dialogue here. Good descriptions. Polished prose. Just plain good. Good luck in the contest. 10 stars for you.
When you have a chance, I'd apppreciate it if you'd take a look at my entry, The Wolf Huntress.
Read Trust Me if you haven't yet. You'll enjoy it. (Note to my connections.)
Jackie F.
She Drives Me Crazy
First, the conflict peaked my interest... the mechanics of storyline made me want more; how was this woman connected to the Westfield's? What evidence? Who is Banner and what happened to him? Why is she breaking into Banner's parents home... and most particularly into the study? Great hooks. Truly great stuff.
I do believe, especially because of our conversations via emails, that you are holding yourself, your voice back a bit--therefore me. Example of what i mean is kind of like, you give me spice and intrigue, yet you simplify it taking away from your own inner reach... e.g:
"His body moved more intimately against hers"-- the word intimately took me out of the moment--, "and he pressed one firm thigh between her legs." I believe i know where you are wanting to take me, and trust me, at this point i am really wanting to go...
Look at it this way, "her stilletho began to rise. She forced it back down. Only for it to wrap like an nurtured ivy around his tight thigh and calf. She possessed him, or did he her? vs. "Operating on pure instinct she bent her left leg and wrapped it possessively around his leg."
K, mine sucks, but do you get what i mean?
I believe Good drama is conflict... and honey, you've got that goin' on!
Now go and plug your chapter on the floating Wombats party thread and get some more readers over here! This deserves to go on to Round 2.
Three Alarm Tenant
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977092428
What a fabulous read! Very Jennifer Crusie-ish--which is the highest compliment I can pay since she's one of my favorites! You had me from the first sentence. Your voice is engaging, the characters are both already a hoot--just a totally fun read. If the rest is this good, an editor would be crazy not to buy it.
Best of luck to you---and a 10 from me!
Pam H.
His Hotness (Romantic Comedy)
Boy can I relate to the "promotion" thing. I'm not good at selling myself either, but as Stephen pointed out, in today's publishing world, we have to tell magnificent stories, and then be able to market ourselves.
And you are indeed telling a magnificent story!
I love the humor; Eleanor's unfortunate mishap with the hedge had me laughing outright. And then, when she gets into the library. . .ooh la la, some scorching moments with Mr. Mystery Man.
You keep the reader guessing, wanting to know more, portraying a high level of skill.
Oh my, Eleanor is having a very interesting encounter, and even finds herself "engaged" by the end of the chapter.
I only have one observation; I noticed quite a few adverbs, a little distracting, and they lessen the impact. . .however, just a minor thing. Your writing still "packs a punch."
I cannot wait to read more.
I wish you much success!
Catherine
Patti
Philly
Wonderful.
Christle
Second Chances
Good luck. Off to read more of my competitors.
Maggie B. - Skimming The Surface -
Whatabookworm
Dawn ;)
Passionate Magic
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977080023
Shameless plug.
Click on this book cover
Here Comes The Wedding Planner
I just reread this chapter and loved it as much as the first time through. Best of luck in getting the necessary votes this weekend to move to the next round of the competition. I MUST read chapter two!
Loved this: "Realization hit her like a fist" - wish I had thought of it!
And yes, she had BETTER find out his name, because inquiring minds want to know! =:o)
Excellent work! This chapter was one of those that had me right from the beginning! The chemistry between your characters practically sizzle and I love the fact that he's the brother of Banner! Your writing is top notch and I like the fact that you didn't add a lot of backstory. It keeps the suspense heightened! I can't wait for chapter 2! Definitely a 10!
Excellent ! Not being a romance reader, I was skeptical when someone told me to check this out. I am more of a mystery buff, but can see that you combine genres beautifully to make a very interesting read. Best of luck with the competition. Looking forward to Chapter 2.
James L.
I voted and hope you got your 10 stars. I was hooked with a million questions running through my head with this first chapter. Cheryl