letter to my mother in law

Dear  Hermina Blaauw, 

You say, yes, he has a girlfriend, for a year now, 

as if it is a trophy he won in soccer,

some sort of proof that he can have relationships, just not with me, that he can be nice,

just not to me and why is that?

Because of me. Of course all was my fault according to you, i was not a good wife, i did not clean the apartment, did not take care of your son , did not do enough.

You interfered in every field in our lives, from the state of the apartment to the number of children we should have.

Yet there was one field you did not dare enter:

you would not say a word when i came to you complaining of his violence towards me and the children.

 You did not say a word when he came one day and threw me out of your place because you and i had had a small discussion and he did not like me voicing my opinions in that tone of voice.

You did not open the door when i was left outside, with my knee badly bruised so i was not able to walk.

You did not let me have my children , i had to go to the police to get them to come and they wouldn't.

I went home alone and hurt, then your son came home with the children without so much as a word.

All he had to say later was that you never had any business with the police, that it was a shock to you receiving that police complaint from me , a complaint against you and your son ; you for standing by while he hurt me.

What is a relationship anyway?

You who is so open about talking about things, proudly coming from the country where there is a whole area of windows where women are displayed like objects, like potatoes or tomatoes to be purchased.

You who goes to church and helps the old, did not find any words to say to your son, or at least one word:stop!

I tried to make it on my own, your help was suddenly gone, all those words you told my mother about treating me like your daughter remained empty promises like my marriage.

Your son constantly called you and turned to you for advice yet you did not find one word to tell him , and that would have been enough :stop!

I tried to do everything in my power; therapy, couple therapy , police to warn him, talking to his friends and family yet no one wanted to get involved.

I was basically left on my own.

I did not give up on the idea that the family will continue somehow, i was not sure how.

Ja nuary two years ago i met your son in court and we became officially separated after i had a court order he move out because of the violence that was disrupting my life and the life of my three children, your grandchildren.

My middle son was placed in a special class, could not concentrate in school , was having troubles and since his father moved out, he has only improved, and is now in a normal class and  at the top of his class, so are the other children who can finally have peace at home

Now there is not much left to say,

i live in a foreign country, that is very beautiful but not mine, and i raise my three children on my own.

Back home there are friends and family and my own aging mother who are eager to see the children, they appreciate their beauty and cleverness, they like them and like being with them however i live here, with the children's aunts and cousins near by physically but oh, so distant emotionally...

My son recalls one christmas when we were still all together, we had to move yet again because the neighbors had complained about the constant fighting and yelling , i had to escape countless times or be beaten by your son, (a man that stands 1 meter 90 and weighs 100 kilogramms )

My son went with his grandfather to the local shopping center where you live and people know you and he remembers his grandfather carrying a coffee machine out of the store and the door beeping , he went back and paid for it, and said to my son, you need to pay for things or your get in trouble.

My son did not receive a present that christmas or any other christmases after, 

yes, i do not celebrate christmas but you do yet last christmas when the children came they saw your tree decorated with presents underneath but not for them.

I spent a lot of time and money to buy them gifts for chanuka that year, every day we light the candle and every day a small gift even though that is not the jewish tradition, we also ate latkas and played games but i wanted them to know they are worth a lot, a lot of gifts , that they are gifts themselves.

Now you tell me your son pays me too much, that he has to pay a great part of his salary to me and that bothers you however it does not bother you that i raise my children alone, that none of the family around shows interest in the children, if it was up to you , you think i should leave my children alone or in care and go out and work.

Interesting conclusion as you always stayed home with your children.

When i see your family i wonder why, why you stayed home.

Your son is violent, his sisters ignore me and the children and have for years.

For our wedding no one brought a gift, or thought one should bring anything.

>You have consistantly treated me and the children as less even though you know in your heart or wherever you feel that we are more.

Worth much more than how we have been treated.

I do not think you will understand what i want to say, i don't think you have a clue how much i had sacrificed so your son could have a family of his dreams;

an educated wife, intelligent and beautiful children but that was not enough for him to want to stop being violent and vicious.

No, he had to find another woman and start some sort of relationship, long distance i heard

so you are proud, he has a woman , and i am out of your life forever.

I can not say i am sad not to be a part of your family, not that i ever was.

I often wondered how i would react if i had to meet you all again,

your vile temepered husband who could never be bothered with the grandchildren for too long,

your daughters that think they are better than everyone for no apparent reason other than money 

Your deep hypocricy of being a church lady without  a god , moral values or belief in mercy.

No, i and the children are better off without you and your son in our lives

but don't rest upon the laurels of victory just yet ,

i think you will find out soon that while you gained a girlfriend for your son you have lost much more than you realize,

the children do not like you or want to see you,

my son recalls a slap when he was small,

and i for one, remember only pain when i think of you

only mean and cruel words

and never once any  hint of

understanding.

sincerly,

s. 

your  former daughter in law