what the psalm promise

I have been reading the psalms lately, in effort to regain my balance and footing after having found out that my husband in separation has had a relationship for the past year.

Did i mention that i initiated the separation after i could not live with the violence and abuse on me and the kids?

Did i mention that i rejected his attempt to pretend nothing happened one night and told him, 

"it's too late"

But having said all that, i wanted it all, 

 I wanted my husband in separation to change, i wanted him to be a loving man, a father that i can trust with the children , i wanted to be that perfect family you see on Sunday biking together through the woods, mother, father and children,

 I did not want to be a single mother raising her children on her own, struggeling, , and like the song goes "never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in" ,

I read books about divorce, i was not going to make all the mistakes i ended up making.

I was planning on having a good relationship with my husband in separation and there was always that hope, that he will change, that he will gain insight into the pain he caused through therapy but what happened at the end was that he chose to persue a relationship with a single mom of a ten year old, and introduce her to my boys months before i knew she existed.

My boys, 7 and 9 years old kept their father's girlfriend as a secret as they did not want to hurt my feelings. 

My 9 year old son said to me one day that he thinks his father is seeing someone because he saw an SMS  that he is meeting someone.

I was upset till he said, no, i think that was a mistake..

How horrible to discover that children are more mature than their parents, my boys protecting my feelings, knowing somehow despite their  few years on earth that this will hurt me.

I am angry on several levels:

One:at myself for not seeing this possibility , for not considering how i would feel if my husband would be in a relationship with someone else.

Two: at myself, for not being able to turn things around, perhaps i was a lousy wife, perhaps i did not listen enough to him, and tried to understand why he chooses to be violent.

It's easy to think that now but when i was getting hit by him i just wanted it to stop.

Three: at my husband for not trying during the separation to talk to me , for not communicating at all .

I never saw this coming at all!

Four: at my husband for writing me a goodbye letter, saying he has had a relationship for the past six months when i had no clue!

Well, at one point i saw him dressing up when he never did that before, all of the sudden he was wearing black shirts and white shorts , looking like someone dating, but i never considered he might actually have a woman , might find someone else.

Five: at my husband for introducing his lover to my boys without saying who she is, she just dropped by to play games with them.

six: at my mother in law who said to me my husband should not be paying me , i should be working , ignoring the need of someone to watch the kids, and my needs in general.

seven: at myself, for talking too much about this issue with the kids.

I told them i do not want them to have contact with this new woman,

mostly because their father did neglect them when he took them on vacation and brought them home four days early because he was rushing back to his girlfriend ,

the kids said he was always SMSing her and left them on their own in dangerous places like swimming pools and amusement parks.

I therefore decided not to let him see the kids, i am angry he is neglecting them 

I asked the kids if they want to see their father and they said, after this trip when he left us on our own, no!

They all said they did not like him, he was screaming at them and making scenes in restaurants when the food did not arrive on time etc. they are scared of his temper and would be happy not to see him.

The court decision is another matter..

Eight:i am angry at the court  

The family court ignored all his violence , there is not one word mentioned about his violence towards me and the kids.

Nine: I am angry at the girlfriend for taking my husband , and for making me realize that all that good times we had meant  nothing , that me and the children were not important enough  for him to  want to change his old ways and stop the violence.

Rather than stop his behavior towards the children , which is consistantly violent still, he is in a new relationship, interestingly enough also long distance as our was for a long time, she lives far away i heard, so that he does not consider himself the problem or at least part of the problem but i was the problem, because , look how wonderful it's working out with another woman!
 He calls her(even when the children are there) constantly, something he never did with me,

he lied about this relationship so that when i do learn about it, it will be one step before a wedding..he is asking for a divorce now and said he already asked my lawyer, something i did not know so i am also angry at my lawyer for not informing me, and other things.

So i am angry for all those reasons .

When i read the psalm, i learn that if i go by God's ways, i am a good and righteous person i will be like a tree next to a source of water , everything i do will be a success, if i do not follow the ways of the sinners and the wicked.

However the wicked will be like something easily blown in the wind, they will lose in the court of justice

"Because G-d know that way of the righteous and the way of the wicked shall be lost"

(my own translation from the Hebrew original)

I have tried to live a good life, i have made the children the center of my world, ignoring temptations on the way to stray, i have tried to be a good mother to them and consider their needs first and foremost yet i find myself struggeling alone, i feel trapped in a foreign country as my lawyer adviced me to wait, he even said i have no chances of going back home with the children . why? 

The current trend in family court is to see the couple as equally responsible for the feud and so i am held equally responsible for the bad situation at home.

i have tried in my way to be true to what i thought was God's ways,

I taught my children to pray at night , to declare their devotion to the one God, i have tried to be his/her humble servent, keeping various rules, singing his/her praise

I have tried to be a good person, someone that the children might consider to be a good role model.

But i feel i am not planted like a tree near the source of water , nor do i give fruit on time like that rewarded tree.

i feel life is a jungle and the most aggressive gains in every area of life, 

maybe my faith is being shaken by this experience.

I feel like a child going up to God, hey, where is my share?

Where is my reward?

Why did you give to him so much, he seems to have everything

but then again i remember the children, the fruit of my tree, and i know i have them.

I know it's not like they say in family court, the father has rights too, i know that you have to earn respect and devotion and love of your children and i know my children only fear their father and enjoy the gifts he sometimes brings them but that is not a real relationship,

He may give them a playstation and trips to amusement parks but at the end of the day he treats them like toys, you play with for a while till you find a more exciting newer toy, 

children like stability, consistancy, someone who is always there

So this morning as i arise from my sleep, after having gone to bed at the same time as the children, i no longer resent the fact "i do not have a life", meaning i do not go out and date 

I remember visiting my friend, who has decided to go to a sperm bank and  is raising a three year old child as a result of this and one on the way, and i remember thinking all the time, how does she do it, how does she raise her child all alone?

I think good parents are like God , they are there, they are always there, even when we do not know, they are there in the good thoughts and good deeds we have in our daily lives,

I think all those promises the psalms make are fulfilled on a very different level than the one we see when we look at life.

When we observe people's lives, when we only describe the facts; works, is alone or is part of a couple of a family, ill or healthy,

these descriptions of reality are only facts, they do not have any meaning but that which we give them.

A person who is alone but finds great meaning in his or her life, is not alone

on the other hand , a person who is in a relationship but is living a shallow life without depth or commitments , who is not honest , and denies all his faults and does not attempt to be a better person and only causes pain to those close to him can not be considered a successful person at the deep level , though surface wise he seems to be doing well.

Whether a person is happy or not at the moment is not important , what is important if we do our best to be the kind of person a child would be proud to call a parent.

Did i poison my children against their father by telling my son his father is a bad person for having chosen to be violent towards him and myself?

I think i only did what the writer of the Psalms did as well, which is to guide a person towards a more meaningful life where the spiritual side goes together with the physical side,

If you think about it God  is a parent, he/she is guiding and teaching us every day in a multitude of lessons if we only go deeper and beyond the moment and whatever is to be gained from the passing pleasures.

Perhaps my husband in separation has found the love of his life, someone that is his soul match however when it comes at the price of his being a good parent to his children i wonder how deep is this love when it undermines the greatest attachement on earth, that of a parent to their children?

He says, look , even though i am in a  relationship,i am fulfilling my role as a father however since he continues to be violent and abusive towards the children, to lie and harm them, 

how is he fulfilling his role as a parent?

But most important of all, how am i fulfilling my role as a parent?

I am not only a mother i am also a woman  however as it turns out men have come in and out of my life through out my years as a young woman but the children i have are there,

they sleep in the next room, they will soon wake up and ask for food and then there will be the program, a visit to the dentist, and the chores, and then perhaps another visit to the woods to look at the trees that grow alongside the river.

I am angry at times, sometimes strict, sometimes i am too easy, when i am tired, however

I am a parent first of all and nothing is more important than that, no passing fancy, no amount of  temptations.

It's not easy to be that tree sometimes that grows next to the source of water

sometimes it's easier to fly with the wind and land where ever the wind may take you

but a tree is something that lasts and from that tree many benefit, 

the wind however forever changes and is nothing you can hold on to ,

I guess the promise in the psalm has made me a tree, when all the while i was thinking i wanted to be the wind.

I guess i am confused what my role in life is but now it's here

I am growing every day richer in understanding of this confusing world and deepening my roots towards the water.