When I was very small, one of my aunts and I would play a little game with kisses, saying what color kisses we shared.Â Mine were always blue.
When I got older, and started using dream study as a healing and self awareness technique, I noticed that symbols in my dreams that felt far beyond ordinary importance were always a certain shade of electric, indigo blue, to draw my attention to them.
Someone unaware of this told me that I have this color shot through my aura.
I've always felt very old.Â As though I looked at the world with ancient eyes.Â I have clear memories of being very small, about three, and looking at my mother knowing myself to be not only her equal, but far, far older and wiser.Â As though she were the child-spirit.
She left me at my grandmother's once, when I was asleep and she was about to go on a long trip out of state to a funeral.Â I awoke alone in the house and probably thought she'd forgotten me.Â I, with one of the dogs as a merry companion, set off - for home, or to find my mother.Â I remember clearly getting tired and laying down to nap.Â MyÂ grandmother lived in a very rural area, as did we, and there was wild forest around her rugged little farm.Â When I woke thisÂ time I wasÂ thoroughly lost.Â But the dog had stayed with me, watching over, and I sensed I needed to follow her.Â SoÂ she ledÂ me back to the farm toÂ find search and rescue had been called out looking for me.
My first awareness that I was different, psychically, came when I was a teen.Â We lived up a mile and a half of rugged dirt and gravel road, and as I would walk that long trek alone in the afternoon after school I would sense whether or not anyone would be home when I got there.Â I wasn't trying to do it, I just knew.
So when our religion then tried to tell me all current psychic ability was the work of demons, I just couldn't accept it.Â I didn't ask to know, and I was, by all their estimations, the perfect little christian sister other than this.Â I wasn't doing anything wrong, and I wasÂ no fool to blindly believe.Â I could see that, in Christ's time, there were gifts and abilities that weren't decried as demonic as well as those that were, and questioned this religion saying that one part of that was still true but not the other.Â That led to more questioning of their belief and finally rejection of it.
The first time I ever went to a powwow the energy of the drums hit me so strong it scared me, so much that it was a couple of years before I was ready to go back.Â Our Christian churches don't often let us close to that much power, everything's civilized into proper sedateness and real energy can be a terrifying thing.
In time I joined a sweatlodge, meeting with a powerful group of women to come together as sisters and pray together in this ceremony.Â I had been a child abused in every way.Â I'd been beat so much I shied if someone made a sudden move, and I didn't know, before this, true sisterhood, the real power of the healthy feminine as mothers, grandmothers, and sisters.Â I'd had glimpses, in my aunt, but I'd never known it in a group setting, how women could relate to each other honestly, without envy or trying to put each other down and hold each other back.
The first lodge I got to participate in, it was the edge of winter in a new year.Â Cold.Â Oregon doesn'tÂ tend toÂ get much snow in winter, and mostly the earth was wet and the air was crisp.Â The lodge was hot.Â Sometimes it gets too intense and people need to lay down, or go out.Â Prayers were sung, and spoken, rising up on the steam.Â The woman holding the lodges was Lakota, and a pipe bearer.Â The Chanupa (sacred pipe) was passed.
At some point, she told us the sweatlodge represented the womb, we go into it to be reborn.Â The stones are paineaters.Â They take our pain, our toxins, our sin, if that's your understanding, and transform it into positive usable energy.
Somewhere in that heat and the darkness I became aware of a river of LoveÂ running through me, through all things, at our essence and connecting us all.Â I felt that the most incredible feeling of acceptance andÂ LoveÂ enveloped me.Â Unconditional.Â Â Without judgement.Â Pure.Â Endless.
When she said later, that we never actually leave the lodge, we justÂ forget we're in it, it hadÂ meaning for meÂ on a whole other level, relating to thatÂ river of Love that is in all things and isÂ the Source.
When we came out, wobbly legged like newborns, it was snowing lightly.Â ItÂ felt absolutely incredible.Â I was reborn, and the world was new, and it was beautiful.