Melinda F. Stanley Romantic Suspense
715 West C.R. 600 South 75,310 wct
Muncie, IN 47302
http://www.melindafstanley.com/
765-717-1534
PARTNERS IN PASSION
by Melinda F. Stanley
Chapter One
The mission was clear. The stakes...high.
The driver turned the Lancer down KY551, heading south out of Casey Creek. Main street was dead. And so was the radio.
Ka-thump ka-thump ka-thump ka-thump.
The steady cadence of broken shocks and busted springs made their own music as the silver-piece-of-shit ka-thumped every twenty feet as it hit section upon section of patched concrete. The driver's knuckles pulsed white with each ka-thump as the Lancer rolled out of town beneath a string of low pressure sodium streetlights set fifty feet apart. One-hundred-eighty watt bulbs dropped beams of monochromatic yellow light upon the Lancer, degrading its silvery metallic color and making it appear red. Turning it into a ka-thumping, flashing stoplight every fifty feet.
Inside the flashing stoplight, the driver carried loaded weapons. Some were hidden, some were not so hidden. Some were new, and some were as old as the beginning of time. Two were all-time favorites...the element of surprise, and the power of persuasion.
It was after midnight when the Lancer turned into the long, curvy driveway and rattled to a stop at the foot of the front walk. The dome light flicked on for a quick weapon's check.
Thigh-high leather boots...check. Tight leopard mini-skirt...check. Matching halter top...check. Bouncy curls, ruby-red lips, and daring cleavage...check, check, and check.
Armed to the teeth, she stepped from the Lancer and let her boots do the walking. Shoulders squared, chin down, and eyes straight ahead...she advanced on her unsuspecting prey with determination born of desperation. Her long legs made short work of the solid-rock, concrete walkway leading up to the impressive L-shaped ranch house. She would not--could not--fail.
She licked her lips, fluffed her flaming curls, and raised her hand to knock. Abruptly, the door swung inward. "What are you doing here?"
"Is that any way to greet a lady?" she asked, darting across the threshold and into the expansive, grey slate foyer--quick as a cat.
"Rose, didn't you get my email?"
"Of course I did, but I've come to change your mind," she said, whipping her tail back and forth as she strolled into the living room and perched herself on the edge of his overstuffed couch. Her leather boots creaked as she crossed her legs and leaned forward to set a tiny picnic basket on the coffee table, next to a half-eaten plate of cheese and crackers.
"I'm not going to change my mind. I told you...I've met someone," he said, eyeing the basket. "Now, it's late and I was right in the middle of something. You need to go."
She lifted the basket's lid and removed two wine glasses. "There's no need to be rude. I just want to know what happened. Like...when did you meet someone from Rising Sun? Isn't that way up north?"
"Rose--"
"Can't we talk about it?"
"No."
"Can't I at least toast to your newfound happiness?" she asked, pulling a corkscrew and a bottle of Pinot Noir from the basket.
He lifted his glass of iced tea. "There's nothing to toast to."
"Please, I beg you--" In the far corner of the room, a cell phone rattled its protest beneath a mound of papers strewn haphazardly across a computer desk.
He gave her a 'don't move' look, set down his glass, and crossed the room. "Hello? Hi, Dad," he said, turning away from her. "Hey, can I call you back? This isn't a good time," he said in a low voice.
Rose pulled a candlestick from the basket, lit it, and set it on the coffee table. She sniffed delicately, then smiled when she realized it wasn't the scentless, red candle she smelled. It was success.
"Yes, Dad, I know, but can't we talk about it later? Someone's here. Yeah...bye," he said, snapping his cell shut and setting it back on his desk. "I'll see you out--" he said, turning around and coming to a dead stop. "You've got to be kidding me."
"You like candles? Come...let's have a glass of wine," she purred.
"Listen, I'll make this simple for you," he said, striding toward her. "Either I walk you out or carry you out. Either way...you're out of here. Now...what's it gonna be?"
She narrowed her eyes and uncrossed her legs. "Fine. It's your loss," she said, rising from the couch. "Where's the bathroom? I need to go."
He hesitated. "Through that door...to your left."
She stormed past him, past his desk, and out the room. And returned five, extremely long, minutes later. "You can walk me out," she said with an appraised look, packing everything except the burning candle. "And for the record...you're a fool," she said, handing him the basket.
Without a word, he took it and turned to lead her from the room. One step later his foot was fighting a throw-rug, which did indeed, throw him into a nearby coffee table. With a cat-ate-the-canary smile, she latched onto his basket arm and pulled him vertical. Holding tight, she staggered alongside him out the front door and down the front walk.
"You can just set that on the back seat," she said, opening her rear car door.
Tilting slightly to his left--then back to his right--he dropped the basket on the edge of the backseat amid the sound of tinkling wine glasses.
Now! She leaned back then threw herself forward--ramming both hands into the center of his back--shoving him with all her might. She watched him fall face-first on the seat...and stay that way. She folded his feet upwards, slammed the door, and jumped behind the wheel. Pulling his cell from her boot-top, she checked the time.
1:00 a.m. Mission accomplished.
She flew down his driveway and hung a hard right when she hit the blacktop...her adrenaline pumping hard as she headed north. It had been so easy.
In an instant, blinding light exploded from her rearview mirror. Two headlights, beams on high, were approaching fast. Illuminating the stop sign she'd just blown through. She gripped the wheel and stomped the pedal to the floor. She'd show him.
Red and blue lights lit up the sky, flashing angrily above the accusing headlights. "Son-of-a-bitch," she said, slowing up and looking back. Hoping the flashing lights would go around. Hoping they were going after someone else.
Didn't happen. They hugged her bumper and weren't going anywhere. She hit the brakes, pulled to the side of the road, and promptly shit a brick when the man folded in her backseat moaned.
1:03 a.m. The mission was unclear. The stakes...doubled.


Comments: 83
You've certainly got the grounds for conflict in this and I'm thinking Sleeping With the Enemy which was an eerily great movie, so the precedent is there. I think it promises to be a very good read.
Good luck!
-Judi In Over Her Head
Margaret
(Magic Mountain)
The first line is great, and I actually want to know what happens to Jack.
Good Luck.
Badeaux Knights
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977084082
Your first two sentences perfectly set the scene, plunging the reader right into the conflict. Well done!
I feel Lucy's sadness and humiliation, and then her pain. She knows that she must leave Matt--a matter of self-preservation--and yet she loves him still.
She has the courage to move to another town and begin anew. Oh my, the horror of internet dating, and Jack sounded so nice, hunky, too. . .but the reader doesn't really know whether to like or dislike him yet. Granted, he doesn't show for the "first date," but " something stinks in the wood pile," as they say. You've added a nice touch of mystery.
I want to read more!
I wish you all the best,
Catherine
I was hooked right away by the opening paragraphs of this. You've perfectly caught the dichotomy of her anger and exasperation with him, and her fear of leaving him alone. It's a realictic description. The only place I stumbled was with the martini glass smashing. It's a great image, almost cinematic, and yet, I don't know where it came from. Did she bring it from the restaurant with her?
Leaving an SOB, no matter how right it is, and no matter how stupid it sounds, is still tough. You've caught the heroine's ambivalence very well. A true abuser, however, does not say ""You'll never feel about another man, the way you feel about me." He says "No one will ever love you the way I do." (Which, one learns, is a thing for which to be grateful.)
Love the way you spell out the passage of time in hours. Very original! You've set up quite a nice mystery here, and if we ever meet Jack, or the black haired man, you've got the conflict already on the boil. Anything that gets me asking questions (who is that woman on the phone?) is a good thing!
Good luck to you!
My nit to pick: "they stepped outside and was embraced by" -- *were* embraced. But that's nothing that can't be fixed in a final edit, subject-verb agreement is just a pet peeve of mine. :)
Slightly less nit-picky... in the prologue, unless there's going to be some paranormal stuff going on later, I'd kill the paragraph that starts "What she didn't know...was how many days and nights he'd consume her thoughts and invade her body. " -- it's a bit melodramatic, and doesn't really fit with your straight-on writing style. If there *is* paranormal activity later, that makes the paragraph necessary, I'd at least switch the order with the paragraph that follows, so it reads more like this:
"Some things she knew, and some things she didn't. Lucy knew she'd made the right choice, but his haunting words frightened her.
What she didn't know...was how many days and nights he'd consume her thoughts and invade her body. She didn't know how her arms would ache to feel the solidness of his body, and her lips would crave the taste of his scorching kiss. She didn't know she'd smell his earthly scent in the coming spring, as she planted flowers in the soft, rich dirt. She didn't know she'd hear his voice rustling among the treetops in the following fall, when a strong, northern wind blew in just right. "
...but I'd still counsel a rewrite of that paragraph, it just doesn't sound like "you". I almost stopped reading after that paragraph, and I'm glad I didn't, because I really liked the rest of it.
Good luck!
Hope you'll stop by and give mine a read... Safe Sex and Home Repair
I agree with Lauren's comments, above, regarding style and voice. But that is just fine tuning. You already have a good story and character, Lucy. The fine tuning is just that, wordsmithing the prose, every line, until it fits the story-song you hear in your head.
Also, I wish I hadn't seen your photo, Melinda, because you're a knock-out, and that flavored my reading of the story. But, I don't really, in this case, think it's a problem. But I will have to be aware of that in the future, for others and their stories.
There's only a couple spots that could use more show and less tell. For example, this passage: "There he stood. Standing on the street corner. Arguing with a tall, thin, black man over religion. Lucy nodded politely to the police officer, grabbed Matt's arm, and pulled him through the gawking people. Halfway across six lanes of stopped traffic, he tripped, fell, and took her with him."
Show us their religious discussion. Don't just tell us. Great opportunity for wit and humor there. And you've got to show up what happens when he goes down, pulling her down with him. Definitely needs some dialogue there.
In the next section she is leaving Matt and is torn about it. I need to understand why, and how, that is. Matt is her soulmate? She fears falling back into his arms? Huh? Then I need to know more about him, and their history, to help me understand how that is possible.
One thing, need clarity: How old is Lucy? And Matt?
I don't buy the call from the ex-girlfriend. How would the ex get her number? Hell, how would she get Lucy's name, without getting it from Jack? It can be done, if one works for the CIA, or comparable. Not realistic for most folks. Unless this is a grift. Is that where this is going? I don't think so.
And I don't think Lucy is the type that would drive all that way then get freaked and drive off in a pathetic tizzy. She is stronger than that. She is a strong character. At least I want her to be. Anyway, she would stick around, out of curiosity, if nothing else, to meet him, even find out what was up with the call from the supposed ex-girlfriend.
I like the story, and Lucy. Thanks, Melinda.
Jeff
My absolute favorite part is the creepy phone call from Jack's ex-girlfriend. Or so she claims! This added another layer to the story and was so good that you might consider making it the end of chapter one. It's a great hook, something to ensure the reader will turn that page and keep reading the next chapter.
I'm also not sure where the dream (psychic?) stuff is going, but I'm definitely interested. Great story!
Ah what a mystery! I love mysteries! So many questions so few answers. At least not yet. I'm just wondering why more people haven't found your entry?
Fate and Destiny
Thanks for inviting me to read and critique your entry.
"She felt just like the green olive in his fourth martini. Pierced through the heart, she was drowning at the bottom of his cocktail glass." Too, too, too, cliche. And, leave out "felt just like". Go with "She was....."
The bruised body part confused me, but I suppose you were referring to the spill on the pavement.
So, she's doing the online dating thing and it's a shadowy deal. Every woman's nightmare, I imagine.
I just don't 'get' the whole prologue - and her incredible emotional pain - and how it just goes away at the very beginning of Chapter One. She even hints at how he'll haunt her, but it doesn't happen. Instead, she's bouncing around like nothing's wrong. Okay, then...why the prologue??
I've also no hint that the chick is psychic, yet I'm dropped into what is obviously a psychic dream. It feels forced. One line, about her being a "little psychic" since she got whupped upside the head with a Nerf football as a kid would help here.
More than anything, though, is the sense that I just don't care. I really can't make myself want to know what happens next. Maybe there's just not enough suspense for me. Or maybe I've known too many "Jacks" who get spooked upon a real-life meeting after phone and/or e-mail flirting, so I don't see his disappearance as threatening or even unusual.
The ex-girlfriend has the feel of a red herring, too.
Good luck in the competition.
I really enjoyed this story. Interesting to see where she goes from here and who sets up the conflict of the story. I dare say Jack or is there another hero since her description of jack and the man in her dream are different?
Thanks for stopping in and reading my entry FORGOTTEN REINS I apprecaite it.
I truly appreciate your comments. Thanks so much for taking the time to offer them. In regard to my prologue, I guess I never realized that Chapter One had to qualify it. Maybe, just maybe, the following chapters would shed a little light.
Do you dream C.J.? I do. Am I physic? Definitely not. Do you understand all your dreams? I don't, but I definitely pay attention to them. ~smile~
Some things aren't as they seem. It's meant to be that way.
I feel good about your critique. It puts many things into perspective for me.
Thanks again! Melinda
Best of luck.
Terri
1st Chapter Entry-Dark Obsession
Dark Obsession Blurb
Thanks for reading my entry. I enjoyed yours, too. What a great opening line! I'm really curious to see what happens next. I read what some of the others commented on above and wonder if you could work in the prologue information that's important as the book goes on? In a way, I'd rather not know about her prior relationships when I start reading. It almost makes me wonder why she keeps choosing bad men. The mystery surrounding Jack is definitely riveting, however -- probably the better place to start. I would jump right in to the bit about Jack and feed us little bits of her history only when and if it is needed to enhance the story.
Can't wait to read more,
Sherrie H
1st Chapter Entry - Night and Day
Melinda
You have weaved some great threads of mystery in this piece. You nailed the on-line dating scene well--what clicks on the phone or in e-mails, does not automatically translate into attraction face to face.
I have a clear picture of Lucy and understand the self doubts. Great observation, her trust issues aren't just about men but the fact SHE chose wrong the first time and so distrusts herself. You have internal/external conflict.
Having only one chapter on view makes it difficult to judge where and if the prologue fits. After all, you didn't write the piece as a stand alone short story. None of us did. Most of us use the first couple of chapters to set up the whole story and in a mystery, you get some of your first hints of what's to come in the first chapter. Clues and questions to ponder. People that don't seem to fit, situations that don't seem to fit all DO fit as the story progresses, because there is a reason for their placement. That goes for red herrings too.
When I read a mystery, I especially pay attention to things that don't seem to fit or a little off. In an investigation, it is those little 'off things' that offer that little tiny thread to solve the case. Especially with a mystery, because you, as the writer, have to have such a clear inner visual of the ending so you can weave the threads through each chapter. Threads that intrigue and pull the reader forward to the conclusion.
I'd love to see where this dream fits in and love your characters flaws, the way she was dressed and sitting where she was, a woman alone in downtown Cincinnati, good lord. "...and anger behind the wheel for Lucy, usually translated into having a heavy foot."
"...she did have a bad habit of jumping to conclusions, but she didn't care." 'End of story." Oh dear, when someone says that, the story is just beginning, lol!
Good story, I wish you the best with it, MeLinda!
Sylvia
Bless you. ~smile~ You got it!
Being a mystery, Lucy doesn't meet Jack until the 3rd chapter. My novel really doesn't become "alive" until then. When they meet, sparks fly. So, I've struggled with the first 2 chapters, trying to keep the background information interesting. Sure, I'd have rather jumped right in with the heroine meeting the hero. But then, it would have only been a romance...and not a mystery.
A synopsis sure would have been a blessing...during this contest.
Thanks again.
Melinda
some nits:
pushing his chair clumsily away from the table. - wrong adverb placement - how does clumsily go with away? it should be "clumsily pushing his chair away"
Leading him through the posh restaurant, they stepped outside and was embraced by the evening's balmy air. - An agent or editor would likely stop reading after this line. Sorry but it's not only the wrong verb, but it's confusing...."they" are leading him through the resturant or "she" is leading him through...they stepped...and "were" embraced
"Lucy. We're all dressed up. I don't want to go home. I wanna go bet on a horse!" - this doesn't sound like a man's dialogue....a man would say, "I wanna go to the track."
The cocktail glass shattered upon impact. The green olive, pierced heart and all, rolled free from the dirty martini. - HUH??? Is this metophorical? the cops didn't let him walk around with a martini glass did they??? This is way confusing...okay as I read it's obviously metophorical but not upon first reading. To use this it would need some sort of introduciton otherwise the reader is going right from the fall to the shattering glass which makes no sense.
A world in which she would surely die. - Die? How? Where is this coming from?
consume her thoughts and invade her body. - invade her body???
Twenty-six thousand, two-hundred and eighty hours later - I know you're trying to be different with this but the LAST thing you want a reader to do at the opening of your book is stop reading to try and figure out how long this is. The opening of a novel should draw your reader from sentence to sentence. Paragraph to paragraph. Check out these books - "Hooked" and "First Five Pages"
flower beds, now lying dormant. - lying dormant is awkward....they're flower beds, they're always lying, yes?
You are a writer with talent, and seem to have a story to tell. In it's current form, though I can't give this a 10. Best of luck in the competition.
I definitely need to pay closer attention to my adverb placement and verb usage. As well as introduce my metaphoric scene in clear fashion.
Thanks for your suggestion of the reference books. I'll check them out.
Oh, I don't worry about 10's. Seems like alot of readers on this site give the writer plenty of suggestions as to what needs to be corrected....and then proceed to give the entry a 10. ~smile~ Funny...that.
I also like the Indiana setting since I'm from IN.
The start of the story you lead us to believe Matt can be violent - if he is, I wouldn't have Lucy leaving when he was around.
When you want to emphasise - do so in italics - not capital letters - editors won't like
that .
Jack's letter is great - but it's obviously been written by a woman - guys wouldn't write that way - even sensitive one, at least that's my opinion
Overall, needs some work, but I like the concept.
There are places where your plot skips around a bit and I was confused in a couple of places but overall, I like the concept. I didn't get the part about the martini and olive the second time before you made the break.
Twenty-six thousand, two-hundred and eighty hours later... - DEFINITELY GET RIDE OF THAT - who the heck knows how long that has been.
There's a part where you say she got off the flower pot - not a good pciture - ha ha
flowers lying dormat - think of something different
Melinda
Good luck. Off to read some of my other competitors.
Maggie B. - Skimming The Surface -
Whatabookworm
You have plenty of opportunities throughout the book to weave in bits of her back story and her marriage. Details of her leaving could be sprinkled throughout. I'm not sure they need to be right up front. With the Prologue in, we now have three male protagonists: ex-husband, no-show dating guy and dream man. It is confusing to throw too many potential partners into the first chapter of a romance (even a romantic mystery).
The writing is great and I love Lucy's "new" character. I agree she is a strong woman! I have seen friends wrestle with the online dating thing and know how incredibly frustrating it is. You nailed it! With a little streamlining, this is ready to publish!
Caren
Kick Start
The cocktail metaphor is great - and nice extension of that metaphor at the end of the first section! Nice touch - the "OLD" acronym! Interesting and freaky twist - the X calling already!
tips:
- throw in a name drop when she sees the drunk hubby drinking his crown - I thought, at first, that the "lewd" guy who had seen her by the flower pot was there
- she always knew she had to leave him... even after just a year of marriage?... clarify a bit... it comes a little clearer later when she reflects about dating him for two years, but a hint earlier would help alleviate confusion
Melinda
"Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there...the shadowed doorway stood empty." - I really like this sentence. Very good writing and really sets the mood. Besides, it's a very interesting way of putting things.
Hehe...your mention of Lexington and Russell Springs makes me laugh. xD I was just there this summer. We were on the eastern time zone where we were staying and my grandparents, who we were staying with, decided not to tell us that Russell Springs was in the /next/ time zone, so we were mad early for our movie.
I really liked this chapter. There was plenty of suspense, drama, and mystery to hold me riveted all the way through. The transition between the dream, though, seemed a little choppy and at first it was rather hard to understand, but I picked it up a little later. Wasn't too bad, though.
But, like I said, I really liked it. I like your writing style and how there's so much going on in this chapter that you just /have/ to keep reading. Good luck with the competition!
Melinda
I liked the prologue, but you might want to consider making it one scene instead of two. Maybe she should just leave that night, rather than waking up the next morning and going. I also loved this line: "The cocktail glass shattered upon impact. The green olive, pierced heart and all, rolled free from the dirty martini." I would like to see that as the last line of the prologue, if you could work it that way.
Anyhow, you're a very good writer. Good luck in the competition!
Thank you for your comments on The Wolf Huntress and good luck with the contest!
I definitely think that the chapters in this competition (yours, mine and several others) are setting new standards for the romance novel: characters with lovable dogs, characters whose problems with alcohol/drugs make them unlovable, main characters with a past. I found the chapter intriguing and full of mystery; the dream element has hints of what is to come without diluting the gritty realism of Lucy's world; the conceit of menacing strangers (the ex, Jack--if it's really Jack, the dark haired man in the dream) makes for a promising puzzle. And, by the way, it's really sexy, which is never bad in a romance! Good luck.
MeLinda, I liked this a lot. It's different, it's edgy, it's fresh, it's crisp. Did I say I liked it?
A lot!
This was my favorite line of many, many great lines...because it was, to me, like slap of recognition that this was foreshadowing...<<>> She of course, being the olive; he, the dirty martini glass.
When a writer is as good as you are, MeLinda, my gut tells me there is a real need for that prologue, that it wasn't just thrown out there. It' s going to be important to the story down the line...so, I disagree with the comments suggesting you lose it...no one knows happens in future chapters, but you!
REALLY, really well done! You have my 10!
Bonnie
Thanks again, and the best of luck to you.
Melinda
I SO appreciate your input regarding my prologue. I've struggled with previous comments. I've really tried to take their input, but I kept coming back to the EXACT fact that you so intuitively understood. It's IMPERATIVE to the rest of the story, to get inside Lucy's head and heart...to understand why she does the things she does.
Bless you! I've only given 4 10's. And yours, my dear, was one of them.
I'm going to be looking for 'Your Gift to Me' at Books A Million!
Melinda
I won't make any comments on the Prologue, as so many have already done so here. Instead, I will give suggestions on the first chapter. There is some interesting stuff here, but I feel like the action doesn't really pick up until she's actually at her destination and the phone rings. That is pretty intense! That should be your lead in for this chapter, in my opinion. I think it would make people sit straight up and say - What? Then you could weave in how she got there, why she was there, etc. And then you put in that dream sequence and I was thinking, okay, this is getting even more interesting...I think your best stuff is found in the latter part of this chapter, from the scene at the club on. I think that's what you should focus on and just weave in the other stuff as you go along.
One tiny nitpick about structure. Make sure that when each character speaks, they are given their own paragraph to do it in. I think you've got a great premise here and I'm curios to see where you go with it. Best of luck.
Nora's Soul
If you think my best stuff is found from the club scene on.......just wait until you hit Chapter 3...when Lucy collides with Jack. Sparks fly.....and to me.......that's when Partners really takes off.
But...being a mystery...I had to set the premise.
Again, I appreciate your insight and will give it serious thought.
Good luck to you and your Nora's Soul!
Melinda
Good luck in the competition, MeLinda.
By the way, I'm also a contestant. Checkout my entry: A Marriage of convenience."
Good luck in the contest
Here Comes The Wedding Planner
Man ,that poor Lucy can't get a break...Matt the Cad, Jack the no-show two timer. The Reader has to root for her. Thank Dog (not a typo) for the dog!
Mystery and Romance always a great combo ....... like Peanut Butter and Chocolate!
Let's get chapter 2 in here.
Thank you.
This contest has been an eye-opening, insightful event. It's given me food for thought and been highly entertaining.
And most importantly, it's given me insight to other writers' minds and tongues.
There are many talented writers in this contest, and I appreciate every one of you.
Melinda ~Partners in Passion~
I wasn't really sure what to make of your comments to my chapter but now that I have read yours I see where you are coming from. If you only knew...lol.
The martini symbolism is marvelous - totally "got" it, loved the way the phrase at the beginning of the scene summed everything up and then you return to the symbolism to close the scene.
Also really liked the mystery of the second half of the prologue and the "hints" you have sprinkled about.
Now the hard stuff: Together - they really didn't work for me. At the same time - you need both.
Here is a thought though - once the competition is over (because of the word count thing) - you might want to break the prologue into two short chapters.
The first part where you begin and break with the martini symbolism is a great hook. The next section where she's getting ready to leave is also something that can stand alone. Both are necessary to your tale and both are very powerful. Together as they are - and have to be per the rules - I think they dilute the impact. Separated by a chapter break and you take it from interesting to compelling.
I haven't seen this technique often but I have seen it employed in situations like this. Good luck.
Click on this book cover
Thanks for your critique. And yes, I've already made the exact changes you suggested! ~smile~ I've changed the prologue to Chapter 1 and used a chapter break.
I wish you much success in your writing career.
Melinda Partners in Passion
I'm running out of time to read all the comments, so please forgive me if I repeat what others have said. I've got some general comments and then specific suggestions.
Your sense of rhythm is marvelous. The emails display the strongest voice in your narrative--I have the feeling that dialogue is your forte. I'd like to see more of it.
We invest too much time in the ex if she's not going back to him. And 2 losers already? That's not looking good for her. We guess that Jack is not a loser, but some hint of something good in her life might be in order. It's hard to pull for a heroine who continues to make big mistakes with her love life.
Consider omitting a few words here-- "Pierced through the heart, drowning at the bottom..." This is an expanded description of the first sentence, so the "she was" is unnecessary.
Romances can get away with more adverbs than other genres, but there were quite a few at the beginning--clumsily, quietly, excitedly, slightly. They did stand out. Look for more descriptive verbs instead.
"In downtown...to kill." The staccato rhythm works well here. Punchy.
"...and watched [Matt] disappear..." Try his name here, since we've not heard it recently.
"She saw him the minute she entered." She'd not necessary.
"...between his fingers as he angrily..." No comma.
"...down at the corner." Omit street
Bringing back the glass and martini--good return to the beginning, but I was lost. I thought the glass real and had to re-read a couple of times for the lightbulb to light. Maybe just a re-wording? Begin, perhaps with the olive rather than the glass?
"...loved beyond all reason." Doesn't seem to be the case anymore. She used to love him beyond reason. But now reason seems to have the upper hand.
"...the disembodied voice said." What disembodied voice? Consider what you really mean here.
"...about another man the way..." No comma.
"She'd always known she'd have to leave him..." Always? If so, why did she marry him? Or, did this certainty grow on her?
"...springing high into the air and landing..." No comma.
"...were nestled [here and there]. Try less common and more specific phrase.
"...grape arbor overlooking..." No comma.
"...past wooden wind chimes[,] she gave them a tiny smack and smiled..." Move your comma forward in the sentence.
"...sending [his] right hind leg..." His, since there's only one.
Is ragtop one word?
"...definitely called for her top to be down." Sounds rather risque!
"Her hair might look like crap..." Such an honest thought expressed without fancy writer's words. Good.
"Dressed in skinny-legged jeans riding low..." Straight and tight-legged are common. Not sure that I've ever heard of skinny-legged. Omit the comma.
"...cranked up the volume." Volume on what?
Try reversing On-Line Dating and OLD for a more humorous impact.
"...between where they lived." Consider "their homes" instead.
"Two quick brush strokes..." I thought she was still brushing her hair, so I wondered how she got lipgloss on her lips.
"...keep a job for six months." In or for six months?
"Jack stalked me for over..." Should this be how she begins the call? Would have a big impact.
"Disappointment ran rampant..." Things running rampant is cliche.
"...conversation over in her head didn't help." No comma.
"...sped down the highway." Omit on.
"...lesson well learned and move on." No comma.
"...running clothes and took off..." No comma.
"...on most days and dearly loved..." No comma.
"He left the straight path and walked..." No comma.
"...and his ways often devious." No comma. Consider dropping one of these two sentences since they say almost the same thing.
"...kept her relatively safe." Omit "for the past three years" since you open with, Since then.
"...off to one side, horsing around." Omit with each other.
"...to check her emails and didn't have..." Omit comma.
"He was a thing of the past." Consider re-wording for a stronger picture.
"...floated across the room and landed..." No comma.
The section beginning with, "Lucy jerked into a sitting" and continuing to Granma's rocker had a bit too much play-by-play. Consider telling us a bit less about what she was doing.
"on the flip-side as she..." No comma.
"...to do with my time than waste..." No comma.
Okay, I'm done with the picks. (Really not that many. Check out a good grammar book for the punctuation issues.) I hope you find something helpful in them. I truly like the setup you've got going. Working on the technical issues will make this even better.
Good luck to you.
Great job, MeLinda!
And Jennifer, thank you too!
Good luck girls!
Melinda ~Partners in Passion~
The first comment, from diana, team gather confuses me. I am not in this contest, I don't understand the rules.
Your prologue sets a scene, and then with chapter one we presumably jump forward a few months. But we also switch from a downtown scene to a suburban home. The prologue has no dog, no mustang, no suburban home and a sense of apartment dwelling. The prologue sets a situation of a depended woman enabling a rather undesirable man to booze it up, gamble, and get into arguments on the street. (reminds me of me) And then we have a situation where the Lovely and talented but insecure Lucy longs for the opportunity to either give a jerk a second chance, or a piece of her mind, leading me to think this fool is setting herself up for another Matt, this one named Jack. At least she has the good sense to delete the messages from a half dozen other potential predators.
With my penchant for tearing into romance novels in general, I would say you have set up the perfect romance novel, but your Knight in Shining Armor is going to have his hands full letting Lucy develop into a rounded and self sufficient person.
Now MeLinda, I could not have come to any of those conclusions if you had not written this exceptionally well.
Karl, you are 'the man'! LOL Seriously, thanks for your kind critique. My prologue has since been edited and changed to Chapter One, as it confused EVERYONE. LOL You made very valid points and I thank you very much.
Melinda ~Partners in Passion~
You brought me right in to Lucy's conflicts. Good work ! I felt her emotions and confusions, then her strength by acting on what she knew she had to do.
The exercise in internet dating was both timely and informative in the way it showed the pitfalls as well as leaving a hint of finding Prince Charming. It provided the perfect opportunity to show some of the make-up of the herione; her strengths, her weaknesses. You have layered the story with romance; maybe even paranormal, mystery, and wit and humor. Quite a winning combination.
Was the dream sequence prophetic? What the heck was that phone call about? What happened to Jack? So many questions interwoven into the plot that leaves readers needing answers. Well written with the premonition that all may not be as it seems. The groundwork has been laid for the possibility of all kinds of twists and turns down this rocky road to "happily ever after." You have earned a "10."
I agree with the others who said your first paragraph was superb. In fact, I liked the whole prologue, but do think combining the two scenes into one, rather than having the scene break, would have improved the flow.
I also thought the first sentence of Chapter I was superb, but was a little thrown by the dream. I didn't realize she was dreaming since in the scene directly beforehand she was going to take a bath. Simple fix there: have her going to bed instead.
Other than that, I think you have the beginnings of a compelling novel.
Good luck, Melinda. And thanks for reading and commenting on my entry earlier today.
Jill
Sweet Interference
Jackie F.
She Drives Me Crazy
You write well, but I stumbled over too many adverbs. A "was" needs to be replaced with a "were" early on, where you want it to be flawless -- "they stepped outside and WERE embraced by the evening's balmy air." But in general, I think it just needs a breather so you can come back and see it with fresh eyes. Give it a good polishing and maybe an adverbectomy, and you'll be good to go.
Best of luck and keep at it,
kap
Melinda ~Partners in Passion~
As an ex-internet dater myself, I totally felt Lucy's pain. I have to say that I loved Chapter One, but was put off by the abrupt breaks. IMO I think the dream should be italicized before Lucy wakes from it, instead of separated by an asterisk. You have a great sense of detail, especially in the setting of Lucy's house. Loved that bit of description!
I gave you 10 out of 10.
One comment though:
The second time you mention the cocktail glass. "The cocktail glass shattered upon impact. The green olive, pierced heart and all, rolled free from the dirty martini." I was thinking, italicizing would come off the page a lil better.
And then: "My god ... what a dream. No, make that a nightmare." Should be italicized 2.
The ending of the chapter definitely left me wanting to read on. However, my favorite part was Lucy's nightmare. I can't wait to see who the man on the bed was, and who/what pulled her away from him. I love this kind of foreshadowing.
I agree with several of the above posters that the transition between the prologue and the first chapter could have been a bit smoother. Right now, they sound like two different stories. But I have no doubt that this is fixable.
Best of luck to you!
TOMORROW is the day!
Melinda ~Partners in Passion~
Can You Hear Me? Inside A Woman's Mind
I might have expanded a little on the twenty minutes she watched him drink in the bar, and maybe her thoughts as she saw the man leer at her. Was she motivated, even briefly to hit on him for some revenge action after Matt basicly dumped her? And a little more flavor of his religious argument might have fleshed him out a little more.
But these are just small points. We now have a woman who has broken free of the lug of a husband, gotten her dog, and she is now embarking on a new life. I feel her emotions both positive and not so positive. I am enjoying your story. It is real to me, and you have convinced me to hope for more!! Im giving you a ten and wishing you luck!!!! Thanks for the invite!!
Good luck.
Three Alarm Tenant
On this last night of the first round, I just had to stop by and give you a 10! You've got all the right story elements, along with some great advice from those above, to make this shine!
Best of luck!
Tammy
Love,Set,Match
Scotland
Melinda
I'm interested enough in what possibly could have happened to Jack to be curious about it, but the real hook for me in this story is Lucy's character. I know people EXACTLY like her!! She's got guts and is obviously very capable but at the same time so very, very vulnerable. I want her to catch a break. I want Jack to be not disappointing for her.
Given Lucy's history and its wounds, I guess it's probably a *good* thing that it looks like she's going to have to slog through a lot of trauma with Jack before she even properly gets to know him. That'll make him the anti-Matt. The bad first...the good forever afterwards? I hope! Although on the other hand, that note that Jack sent makes him almost INSANELY wonderful...can he really be that great? Heh heh...I'm going to cheat and read the synopsis you posted to see if I can find out!
Kate