Living on Faith - Keep Me in Your Prayers

It is funny how life changes - doors open and close, people move in and out of your life.  I was really scared when I found myself on my own, my husband having moved out of my life and living alone for the first time.  It was scary, yet freeing at the same time.  My marriage was full of ups and downs, and while I truly loved my husband and wanted my marriage to last forever, I came to realize that there are times when a marriage really must end, that it even happens for Christians, no matter how committed you are.  I learned it was okay to let go, that forgiving did not mean I had to reconcile.  Letting go was hard, but it has happened and I am finally in a place where I feel glad about it and am excited about the future.

While I have accepted my new place in life, it still is scary.  I have not worked in over two years.  Now, with financial support coming to an end this month, I have faced looking for jobs again.  My plan since April was to go work for AT&T with my sister.  I applied, was accepted, and only waited for their next class to be announced.  I could relax knowing I would be fine as long as the class started before the end of August.  June came, and a call was received indicating they did not know when the next class would begin.  July came, and a call was received stating they still had no date for a class, but they could not hold my application more than 90 days.  They had no guarantee of a class date, and I would need to watch and apply again when there was a new job listing.

This was devastating at the time.  I was not thrilled with the job at AT&T, but it was a good job for this area and my schooling and job history.  My plan had been to work full time, enjoy the great benefits, and try taking a few classes online to slowly complete my degree.  As often happens, God had closed a door for me, and I was not happy about it.  I was quite upset by it, in fact.  The thought of job seeking, interviews, and not knowing my future is secure were all depleting my emotional stability.  Then it hit me one day while discussing my niece's job with my sister.  Hallie works part time for a call center that handles customer service calls for various large corporate clients.  There are no benefits, and it only pays $8.50 an hour (I have not made that little in 10 yrs).  But the beauty of it is she gets to go to college full time with the supplement of financial aid and loans. 

Later that night I began thinking about this more.  Working part time and accepting financial aid loans (I have made too much for grants) would allow me to take on a full course load, take some classes on campus at a lower cost as well as some online with more flexibility.  As a full time student I can pay for student medical insurance as well as use the on campus free services.  As a full time student, I would spend less money on tuition (less semesters), and I would graduate with my degree in May of 2008.  I realized then that God had indeed closed the door to AT&T for a reason - to help me realize that I could focus on my degree, that He will provide, and that I will be okay.

So I am excitedly living on faith, trying to qualm any fears that pop up and am putting my future in God's hands.  I know God has a plan for using me in ministry, through my writing and through my desire to help families and marriages.  It has been difficult, knowing I am coming out of a failed marriage, but I have come to realize that our failures only make us stronger, more compassionate and understanding, and give us a glimpse of the mercy that is so beautifully given to us by God.  We are charged to replicate that mercy to the world, showing the world the love God has for them if only they will have faith.  My eyes have been opened, and I have gratefully absorbed that mercy in my own life. 

Satan has tried to make me feel guilty, incompetent, unworthy, and afraid.  I know I have to be strong and as Jesus has directed, say "Satan, get behind me."  Those feelings are all unfounded, and I can be strong knowing I am forgiven, I am competent, I am worthy, and I have nothing to fear, for God is always with me.  I will complete my degree.  I will serve in ministry and have success in writing.  I will have financial security, and I will always be loved by my Lord, Jesus.

I know life will continue to have changes - doors will open and close, people will move in and out of my life.  I am living on faith.  Please keep me in your prayers.