The Biography of Barbara B : Part 2

Standing outside in the heat, I looked over my notes about Barbara B. I poured over this list, but there wasn't one mention of her first kiss, but there were quite a few theories. This didn't mean jack because I wanted straight facts and the heat was like misery. Well, I decided to go into this movie theater and I wondered what show she was watching that was featured. I took out her photo and showed it around. 'It's Elvis', one girl cried and the workers gathered around. I asked them if they knew where she was and they laughed as if I'd asked something absurd. They were having a special showing of Blue Hawaii and told me where she was and then gave a lei to me.

I started to enter, but an usher came up fast. He said I must be quiet for Barbara B insisted that: No sound allowed except for when Barbara sang, or led an Elvis sing-a-long in honor of his name. I entered and sat down and soon I heard applause. Barbara had stood up and was strutting an Elvis walk. There she was singing along with Elvis on the screen. I saw some girls faint and several did scream.  She was really good. Barbara B could really sing. After the movie was over, people gathered 'round her and I saw, she was signing autographs for free and everyone there seemed rather pleased. After most of the patrons had left, I found the courage to walk to her chair. I said, 'Excuse me Barbara B' and her face turned red it seemed, and then an usher whispered to me 'Address her as The King.' So I said, 'Excuse me King' and she smiled quite sweet. She thought I wanted her autograph, but when I said, 'I'm writing your biography', I thought I heard her gasp.

'Well, she said with an Elvis sneer, there's not much to know of me my dear.' I said, 'So far that's true enough for your life seems only to be of positive stuff.' She said, 'Now my dear boy that's largely true, but there are a few things hidden from view.' I asked her if she could give me a taste and she slapped me across the face, but it was with a velvet glove and then she laughed and said, 'Sure'. She asked me if I had a car and I told her it wasn't far from where we are. She asked me if it had a CD, so she could play her Elvis impersonation copy. Well, we walked out to my car and she said, 'Would you mind taking me to the dry cleaners?' I said, 'Of course' and off we went and this was like a gift heaven sent for I got another fact about Barbara B, if only a glimpse.

There was a sign at the dry cleaner store and I chuckled as Barbara B ate Smores. She asked me why I was laughing and I pointed to a sign quite near that said, 'Drop your pants here.' Barbara B said, 'That's an old joke that I wrote many years ago.' I told her she was a funny lady and she put down her Smores. She said, 'As long as I'm wearing this suit, call me King.'  and with that she walked up to the counter and unzipped and dropped her pants. I shielded my eyes, then heard her laugh. She had a sweat suit on and told me she was wearing a thong. Well after we dropped off her Elvis suit, she said, 'Take me home I have to cook for my guest is Tiger Woods.' She was gracious, but did not invite me in. She said, 'Tiger and me are real good friends' and then said, 'You know how it is. Us celebrities want to be left alone, so one more question and we're done.'

This was my last chance I knew for sure to get Barbara B to tell me one word. So I cleared my throat and sad pretty please, 'Would you please tell me what the B in your name means?' She looked me over as if I was toast. She said, 'If I tell you, you would boast. You'd then let the whole world know in this biography my last name' and then she sneezed. I told her a biography should be truthful and the letter B is not a word. She just smiled and with firmness said, 'You have my story of the positives of a life well led. There's nothing more the public needs to know, but if you come to church on Sunday you will know a bit more.' She got out of the car and waved goodbye. Tiger greeted her at her door and they went inside. I went to the local diner and ordered roast beef, but I still had not a clue as to what her last name, simply B means.

I went to church the next Sunday. Grabbed a church bulletin to find what I may. I noticed Barbara B was going to sing a solo hymn, not an Elvis song, 'cause it wouldn't fit in. The service started and I looked around. Barbara B was nowhere to be found. There were announcements and we sang a few melodies. It was all quite pleasant, but where could Barbara B be? The associate pastor rose spoke and said 'We have a treat for Barbara B will sing during the collection.' This caused a commotion, then I heard applause. Barbara B was at the podium with her Elvis suit on. She sang a beautiful gospel tune. Instead of ones, people were putting in tens, twenties and I saw a Benjamin or two as the ushers passed the collection basket pew by pew. After the service, I went to see Barbara B and reminded her of her promise to tell more to me. She spoke to friends and said, 'He wants to know my last name.' They looked at me, as if I was half insane. She said, 'There's just one more thing I want to tell you. It's because of gifts my fans send to me. They know I like beach towels, but there's only one type I ever keep. It has to be pure cotton and from Turkey.' With that she just walked away. What the B means she would not say. So there's my story and you know this truth that B could mean anything, but I haven't a clue.