by *LORA* M.
Member since:
February 13, 2007

Help! am I a bad mom?

July 28, 2007 10:47 PM EDT
views: 128 | rating: 9.7/10 (43 votes) | comments: 49

I raised my two kids alone. They did well in school and graduated and are in college.

I had some real depression problems then and they were not diagnosed. I yelled at them more then I should have. I have apologized for that. Sometimes when they wanted to play I was to depressed to play with them. I hate myself for that.

I ALWAYS saw that they had new clothes, food, medical care, what toys I could. I took them places and bought them things. I took them to church and taught them about God. I taught them right morals. Neither of them were arrested.

I grew up always getting yelled at. When I was 5 I would get stood over with a fist shaken in my face. I would get up in the middle of the night and be yelled at. I would get doors slammed at me and once hit in the head with a spatula and I started bleeding. I got chased through the house by my dad with a belt and hit on the back with marks.

 NO....I never did that to my kids. But with this yelling. I wonder am I a bad mom? They are grown and in college now, but I still wonder. Last yr. the ex-sister in law spent 90 min. telling my child that I was a bad mother. I never had an affair, though sure felt like it. Got no attention from him. I tried to raise them to know Jesus. I had good meals etc. She also said I was lazy, etc. etc. I can't shake her comments.

I was thrown into raising them over night and really had no schooling or much job exp. I did the best I could. I know I should not have yelled. I'm really scared of turning out like my mom. I don't want my kids to hate me or think I hate them. I don't but I just naturally react with yelling. I hate myself for this.  The  q. still remains to me am I a bad mom?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments: 49

Alainia~ Tha one n only~ a. Jul 28, 2007, 10:51pm EDT
No way! We all have our moments. Some more than others. A bad mom would have done worse like gave up or turned to drugs! I have seen your girls and they both seem like very happy young women! They learn to be who they are from you!
*LORA* M. Jul 28, 2007, 10:52pm EDT
Wow thanks Alainina. I could cry. that was so nice.
elliesmeow L. Jul 28, 2007, 10:53pm EDT
Yelling is not a big deal. Ask your kids if they felt loved and valued by you. Ultimately the real answer lies with them. Not ex-family members who have an agenda.
Janet "Jax" B. Jul 28, 2007, 10:56pm EDT
No your not...everyone yells at their kids at some point in time...some of us are louder than others (my neighbor's voice carries really well...I can hear her just talking sometimes)...

If you're kids are safe and happy, then you did a good job. Just ignore what the sister in-law says...she's probably angry about other things.
Cherri K. Jul 28, 2007, 10:58pm EDT
No, you're far from it. I think from what you've said, you've done a good job. And I'm sure your kids would tell you the same thing.
Trish A. Jul 28, 2007, 10:59pm EDT
Bless you Lora I can feel your sadness and pain. It sounds as if you did the best you could. I'm with elliesmeow, it sounds like there is an agenda. Good grief, no one is perfect, we all make mistakes what matters is where your heart was and is. Please try to be gentle with yourself. (Some of your feelings may be the depression talking.)
Elizabeth B. Jul 28, 2007, 11:00pm EDT
You are not a bad mom, you just had bad things happen to you. You are one of the lucky ones to be able to raise your kids. My ex-husband cheated on me with the next door neighbor and when he divorced me after 12 years were up, my daughter was raised by my mom and sister. My ex was worried that I was going to do a murder-suicide. I love my daughter and would never have done that. I almost took my life though, and I think that's what scared him. The woman that he's with right now, I never did like her from the start and I was her free taxi for 7 years. She had the nerve to say right to my face," What did I do wrong?" What a dumb idiot bitch she is. She is now afraid of my mom and me. She can't face the sin that she has committed.
Heather W. Jul 28, 2007, 11:03pm EDT
You sound like a great mother who has raised her kids to be great members of society! Getting both of them in college is an enormous accomplishment! Sometimes kids need to be yelled at , i know i deserved it a few times growing up lol. Don't worry about what that ex sister in law says, she's probably just looking for something to pick on you about. Some people are just mean for no good reason
Diana B. Jul 28, 2007, 11:06pm EDT
Lora, you are not a bad mom. I know how you feel to some extent, because even though I have a husband there are many times I feel like I am trying to raise my children (15 y.o., 3 1/2 y.o.) all by myself. I am guilty of yelling too much at both my kids and suffer from seasonal depression, which I am getting help through both therapy and alternative solutions other than pills.

You have done a fantastic job giving them not only the basics, but guiding them through life, teaching them about morals and ethics and raising them in environment that involves spirituality. You should be proud of their accomplishments, which you helped them by being a positive role model/parent and without you as an important part of their life they might have not achieved all that they have.

I am sure your children understand and your children know how much you love them. Your ex-sister in law has no right telling your child negative stuff especially when she probably received her information from an outside source that has no idea how you have raised your child.

So sorry you have had to go through this, but in the end you can be assured that your children appreciate all that you sacrificed for them to give them the best life possible. Just talk to them and explain the situation and I am sure they will understand.

Wishing you the best ((((hug))))!
Paula Love Jul 28, 2007, 11:06pm EDT
Sounds like you did just fine to me. If we question all of our wrong doings as a parent we'd be giving them every excuse to be a bad kid. Stop questioning your parenting skills. If you honestly think you have a problem or need to express your feelings to your children... talk to them about it. We don't know you personally but I don't get the impression you are a bad mom.
Lora---Have you ever seen "Madea's Family Reunion,"?.....I love that movie,.......In no way are You a bad parent,.....!
golds g. Jul 28, 2007, 11:11pm EDT
no you werent bad mom have you ever beat up your kids? thrown them out of the house? given then drugs? don't listen to you're es sisterinlaw shes jealous of you or has nothing better to do
Kelly M. Jul 28, 2007, 11:13pm EDT
No! We all have our parenting mishaps - it doesn't make you a bad parent!
*LORA* M. Jul 28, 2007, 11:14pm EDT
thanks for your kind words. am crying
CyberGwen ! Jul 28, 2007, 11:16pm EDT
No way! Like others have said just look at your kids! They have never gotten into trouble, are going to college, etc. You are a GREAT MOM. You did the best under some amazing odds and you not only finished the race....you have won, my dear.

What was your kid's reaction to having to hear that spiel from your X-in law, that should tell you something:)

It is so easy for people on the outside to judge, especially when they have agendas or grudges. They don't matter even though what they say can hurt. What matters is how you and your kids feel. I have seen pics of your kids and know that you have a great relationship with them. At the end of the day, that is all that matters!

What was your kid's reaction to having to hear that spiel from your X-in law, that should tell you something:)
Lynn R. Jul 28, 2007, 11:18pm EDT
Lora, Paula's right if we worry about everything we did wrong we'll worry ourselves sick not to mention give them ammuntion (LOL). I've wondered a million times or thought 'if I had it to do over' would I change things, probably but I can't. I've yelled at my kids, they got a swat on the butt when they needed it, and grounded a lot. Your ex-SIL had no right to say the things she did to your daughter. She's probably bitter at the whole family and by hurting your kids she's hurting you. Talk to your kids. I'm sure they will assure you that you did fine.

Talking to my oldest one afternoon, she thanked me for being a great mom and the youngest daughter added, "I have no complaints." I put all my fears to rest that day.
Heather C. Jul 28, 2007, 11:26pm EDT
Lora, you did the best you could! No one could ask more than that! You didn't continue the pattern of physical abuse and that is a plus! Hold firm in the good that you did, I don't think the yelling is that unusual. It is far better than physical. Remind them often you love them, that's what I do. No one is perfect and we all have made mistakes, there is no manual to parenting and each child is different. It sounds like to me you did the right things and no one should be your judge. Keep you head up and be proud you raised your children right and they turned out all right. My children were kidnapped from me by my ex and I was the custodial parent. It took me two years to get them back. I did the best I could and I have told my children that and they know that. I asked them to forgive me if they were ever hurt by me and that if I hurt them ever it was never my intent.(I do not believe in physical punishment as per my childhood) I am very proud of my children and if I am a better parent now than I was before, well, I have more experience. When I was in the nursing home last year, my children all reached out to me with love!
Cheryl W. Jul 28, 2007, 11:46pm EDT
Lora...you are not a bad mom. None of us are perfect at raising our children, and we all carry some of our upbringing with us. It sounds as if you did your very best to break the cycle of abuse in your family. You are brave and courageous for all that you have accomplished on your own in raising your children....and though your own depression at that. You have apologized to your children for your yelling....and I'm sure they know you suffered with depression and did not have an easy life. An apology goes a very long way in circumstances such as this. It is when the parents do not acknowledge any wrongdoing that the problems arise. God bless you for the wonderful job that you have done with your children. I'm sure that they know you love them....and that is all that really matters.
donna h. Jul 28, 2007, 11:46pm EDT
We all question ourselves, but from what you have said your girls seem to be the right paths.
Donald M. Jul 28, 2007, 11:51pm EDT
Sometimes yelling at them means you are a good mom. You cant just let kids walk all over you. actually thats what makes bad kids. No guidelines, no boundaries. Sometimes kids just push you to far and you have to raise your voice to get their attention. If you are always kind,loveing, understanding, and there for them all the way. They will know that the yelling is because they have crossed those boundries;. You havent beat them. Burned them with cigarettes, locked them in cages. I had a thing I did. It wasnt count to ten.
I sat them down, told them what they were being punished for. I never punished them until I was over my mad. when they were small it was a paddeling. they got to choose their weapon LOL. the belt. paddle, or a switch. When it was the switch. They had to go cut it and decide which one. The picking hurt more than the punishment. I never hurt them or hit them more than a little pop. but the fact that I had cooled down and was still going to punish them, was what hurt. They admitted the pops didnt hurt at all. When they were older I took away prividliges, added chores. ..Just like anyother kid they would say I hate you. But now they are in their 20,s and one soon to be 40. They thank me, saying they were the only kids not to go to jail, do drugs. etc; Now they are all professionals who appreciate me. Honey do what you feel God would have you do. He taught parents to punish bad behavior. Love your kids and your self.........Norma
Lucky Stars Jul 28, 2007, 11:53pm EDT
Lora, just by you being here asking this question makes me think you are not a bad mom. Would a bad mom worry about being a bad mom? I doubt it. We all have our moments of self doubt. It helps to keep us honest. Hang in there. You are no doubt doing the best you can with your circumstances.

Things will be fine. I'm sure.
Nancy R. Jul 29, 2007, 12:30am EDT
Lora, It's time to comfort yourself. You were a little kid and those days are burned into your soul. You probably didn't yell as much as you think because you are trying so hard not to be what you lived. I finally gave myself permission to face the truth, my mom had issues and I just happened to be at the right place at the wrong time and got a lot of it too. I was a good kid, and you probably were too. Your daughters are grown up and in colledge, so you must have done a lot of things right.
*LORA* M. Jul 29, 2007, 12:47am EDT
My daughter said she was mad when the sister in law (ex) said that. The sister in law cited an aunt for telling her info. about me. My daughter and I wrote letters to that said aunt. Never heard from either of them. Thank you for the kind words. :-) God Bless you all.
Larry H. Jul 29, 2007, 12:48am EDT
You did the best you could. I started out whipping my kids, not the way I was but close to it. I yelled a lot, can still yell pretty loud at the grandkids when they get on my only remaining nerve. Have never spanked them. We had 6, I didn't the best that I could too.
Susan N. Jul 29, 2007, 1:13am EDT
I agree with everyone - you were not bad to yell - it keeps kids alert and on track.

Remember when you are being criticized to consider the source - 'nuff said.
Carol Roach Jul 29, 2007, 2:16am EDT
Your not a bad mother you did the best you could do with the cards that we handed to you. Your kids love and respect you and that is all that counts, they are the judge nobody else. Every mother I ever knew yelled at their kids, so them every mother can't be a bad mother right?
*LORA* M. Jul 29, 2007, 2:49am EDT
Thanks everyone. I just feel so bad for doing this.
andrew c. Jul 29, 2007, 5:31am EDT
well dont feel bad about being unsure of your self we are all in the same boat and no i dont think your a bad mum your sister in law is probably jealous of how great you raised your children its herproblem not yours ignore what she thinks and get on and enjoy your life
Missy Cline Jul 29, 2007, 6:33am EDT
No you are NOT a bad mom. Sounds like you did a good job. Your former sister in law sounds like a real piece of work to me!
*hugs*
Bundy P Jul 29, 2007, 8:14am EDT
If your kids are doing okay and are in college, I think you did fine. We all have our moments, and no one is trained to be a parent except by their own experiences with their parents. As Maya Angelou says, "When you know better you do better." Don't beat yourself up--sounds like your former sister-in-law is just angry with you.
Sue * Jul 29, 2007, 9:42am EDT
We have all yelled at our kids, and felt bad about it. I think it doesn't make you a bad mom, just a normal one.
Daniel S. Jul 29, 2007, 12:23pm EDT
I yelled at my kids when they needed it, and I paddled their butts when they needed that. Never lost my temper with them though. Always maintain the parent role. Discipline, never punishment.
They are all grown now, and we never end a conversation or a day without saying, I love you.....
Jean, just the teensiest bit odd, F. Jul 29, 2007, 1:45pm EDT
No... you are most certainly NOT a "bad mother"... You were an ILL mother... You would not be beating yourself up over this if CANCER was the reason why you had no energy to play with your children and neither should you because you suffered from the illness of "depression"! You don't say how old your children are now but, at some point they will learn about illnesses that are chemically and physically based LIKE depression, alcoholism, drug addicition, etc. You wouldn't expect them to be angry with you if you had had leukemia and you shouldn't expect them to be angry with you because you suffered from the very debilitating disease of depression... Give them credit. They'll figure it out in the end.
Carol B. Jul 29, 2007, 2:16pm EDT
Lora - stop beating yourself up over this. You did the best you could. We all have moments or traits we wish we could change, but it sounds as if you did a great job with your girls. On top of that, you apologized. And obviously the lines of communication are still open with them. I think that alone says that you not being perfect wasn't such a bad thing. I certainly have things I would have changed if I could go back, and yelling at her too much is definitely one of them. But here's something interesting. My daughter is now 28 and we talked about that. She said that when I yelled, she KNEW it was something important. Maybe it was bad behavior, or irresponsibility, or rudeness, or any one of 100 other things. But she really touched my heart when she told me that she realized that my yelling is what taught her right from wrong AND was the basis for her morals. She said that if I felt strongly enough to yell, she knew it was bad or immoral. This wasn't conscious on my part at all, but obviously, a very important message got through to her. You may have been sending a similar message. You're a good person who obviously has been successful at raising her daughters. Sit back, enjoy their successes, and stop beating yourself up over this. You done good Woman!
Alisa Kerwood Jul 29, 2007, 2:49pm EDT
Lora you did the right things. I didn't get to be a mother to my children because they were taken in to the states hands so things could be worse
*LORA* M. Jul 29, 2007, 3:04pm EDT
she (sister in law) is a real piece of work, unfortunately we have the EXACT SAME NAME
Lora: I have a feeling your children do not think you are a bad mom and that you're just having a momdoubt day. we all have them. you did a decent job. you met their needs and you still care about them. We are not all mother of the year, and there are days we were a bad mom. I have a feeling the bad mom days weigh more heavily on your mind than the good mom days. Waht would happen if you wrote about a couple of good mom days?
Paula Love Jul 29, 2007, 8:52pm EDT
David K, if that is a short comment I would hate to see a long one--- hahahahahaha

Just teasing you all in fun!
meredith M. Jul 29, 2007, 9:03pm EDT
i think you are the best mommy ever! i love you lots, and i know i don't say that enough. thank you for having deep talks with me and helping me through my panic attacks and being so gentle about all of my fears. thank you for always doing the right thing and telling me all of those wise sayings that pertain to life. some of those crack me up. thanks for being one of my best friends ever. i love you!
*LORA* M. Jul 29, 2007, 10:40pm EDT
Thank you Meredith. Love you too! and everything WILL be fine. Just watch~Mom
Tricia C. Jul 29, 2007, 10:57pm EDT
You did a great job.... Some people out there think there is only one way to raise a child and if you cannot do it by their standards and even miss one skip then you are a bad parent... those people are prejudiced and really do not have the right sight themselves to raise a child perfectly...

I have come to the conclusion that every parent raises their child differently.. and although one way may be good for one child it will not be the same for another one. Which means that not one way of parenting is right or wrong... It is just a different style.
*LORA* M. Jul 29, 2007, 11:56pm EDT
She sure did David!
Charles M. Jul 30, 2007, 12:36am EDT
All I'll say Lora is dito dito dito dito.
*LORA* M. Jul 30, 2007, 1:33am EDT
t.y. Charles
Katherine M. Jul 30, 2007, 10:16pm EDT
Lora, What Merideth said to you is all you needed to hear. From what I read of her comments seems to me you did a darn fine job of raising your girls. Congradulations on a job well done!!!!! PS. Most ex-sister-in-laws are usually just a royal pain and should be ignored. I was blessed with a sweet one but the other two lordy miss claudy!!!!
Cassandra Griffith Jun 1, 2008, 2:24am EDT
I am a young mom, and I do a lot of yelling too. I do it to keep from spanking, and maybe so did you. You are NOT a bad mother! It sounds like you gave them all you had including LOVE and that is the most important thing. BUT if you still feel unsure you should ask your kids, they are old enough to answer you honestly. Afterwards I say give it to God, and put your mind at ease. This horrible question won't leave you alone because the Devil WANTS you to think you were a bad mom. But like I said I believe you are NOT!!
jeni e. Jul 20, 2008, 12:40am EDT
Keep you distance with your X sister in law but always be a lady. None of us are bad...we make wrong choices for ourselves and our children. We learn from our mistakes and hopefully in doing this, we teach our children the right and wrong of evilness, bad deeds and life's decisions. Don't beat up yourself. It sounds like you have done a knock out job. Pat yourself on the back, and as far as your x sister in law goes, love in spite of, make it quite clear to her with all the restraint you can muster...that you are a good mom, you are proud of your children and what you have done with them...if this is the only thing you can walk away with...you have done your job. If it was me I would tell her off with flowers. No one has the right to belittle anyone in regards to the upbringing of their children...my first husband and I were divorced after seven years of bad luck...not once, not ever did I tell my son I thought any less of him for the kind of father he was. And to this day, my son still thanks me for it and it made him a better person, too. Have a good week.
B.B. B. Feb 5, 2009, 1:44am EST
No, you are not a bad mom, you have done your best, and i think everyone yells at their kids sometimes, i have yelled at my 2 year old before, because i was totally stressed out.... it just happens, and it seems like your kids had a good start in their own lifes, so i would say you done a great job raising them!!!

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