A Childs Needs As An Adult

As a child I got sick rather often between horrid allergies and illnesses being passed around school.  The illness was never the common cold or the flu, it was always a massive drama to my body.  I was in and out of the doctors a lot because of this, and my regular allergy shots (which I believe perpetuated my discomfort with needles). 

As I have said the illnesses were like a massive dramatic experience for my body.  I would often weep and cry out from the pain of it.  My mother would always tell me to shut up and that my crying was just going to make me hurt more.  She never nutured me when I was ill.  In her eyes, my illnesses futhered the burden I put upon her.  It became that I was to feel shamed for being ill when I already felt bad.  It became that I was to hide my emotions not only when i was sick but in general as this was something my mother never cared to do: comfort me.  Most parents will always nuture and dote on their children as where my mother did the opposite.  She pulled away from me when I needed her most, on many occasions.

 This is why now as an adult I am embarassed to show or feel emotions even though i know it is natural.  This is also why I have an incessant need for closeness and comfort.  I yearn for these things most especially when I am sick.

Today I encountered problems that stretched far beyond my pain tolerance.  Normally this is something I would just have to put up with no matter the consequences.  Yet this love of mine is a different being than I am used to and I thank my stars that we have found each other.  As I am doubled over on the floor in such a pain that made me sob, he came over to me and placed his hands upon my back. 

He canceled our plans and told me to sit in the chair and rest.  He told me that he doesn't want me to get up to do a thing at all.  He wouldn't even let me make dinner.  He held my hands as I cried in utter pain.  Without my asking a thing he brought me everything he could and constantly made sure that I was alright.  He made a tray for me and brought me dinner.  He put himself aside to care for me.

The things I have needed to grow I am finding in this man.  Today he showed how a person can truely care for another.  The sad part is was that one side of me was completely enveloped in love, but the other side of me returned to the emotions I had as a child:  feeling shamed that he had to care for me and that I was not at my best.