Pine branch spearing rain-damp earth,
I dig mud puddles for lagoons
that tricky kings and queens spangle like jewels
cavorting along riverbanks,
lickety-split walnut shells versus leafy canoes,
autumn-crisp in mid-July.
Quick glimpses: chiffon-frail wings flying
the royal-blue, sun-gold colors of fairy abodes,
breaths of song, tinkles of laughter,
the emerald flash of a leaping frog.
Shadows and lightning crowd the sky.
Gothic castles, pirate ships ignite and crash,
thunder and die. My mom cries my name.
I’m 12, but sometime tonight
I’ll tell her all the same: how right
she was when I was five.
The tales she told are wondrous to behold.
recommend this
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 60
I love "autumn-crisp in mid-July."
Big Whoppin' 10
Keith R., I don't understand. Because I used periods and full sentences the way, gee, Walt Whitman & William Blake did?
Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. :-)
Translation can be had here
Congratulations ... Well deseved
:>)
I'm trying to keep up with all the thank yous, going to each person and commenting on an article or picture, but I just published a general thank you with links to the other poets who were noted in this contest. I feel honored to be included in a group of really good poets. I also thanked my writing teachers & other groups that helped me along the way, especially with this poem.
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977089121
Jessica, I'm supposed to be writing fiction. I went to college for that, even grad school, and I've had the longest writer's block ever when it comes to fiction. So I started working on poems instead. Maybe try changing to a different form?
Congratulations are very much deserved. I don't see how anyone could give you less than a 10!
Andrea Grenadier (who turns out to be a superb poet) asks if you're 'allowed to critique' it. I love getting my stuff critiqued, if the critique isn't mean-spirited. The thing is, this poem already won the contest, and I think Gather.com now owns the copyright to it. So, I won't be rewriting it no matter what.
But if there are lessons that a critique of this poem can teach others, I think starting a new thread, with a link to this one, is the way to go. Please let me know if you do that.
I wasn't terribly impressed with the poetry judge after reading some of his stuff, so I didn't think of entering. There was a lot of goofy, show-offy obfuscation which screamed "look at me and my voacabulary!" but not in a teaching, telling way. But there will be other contests, I'm sure, with different judges! Ed Nudelman can judge!
Real critiquing is diplomatic and to the point; it's not mean-spirited or personal at all. It's about the poem. I find it a very useful guide when I put my stuff up for a serious review.
I think this is a lovely poem, but for me, it didn't breathe and create a spaciousness, which makes me wonder if you trusted the words you were committing to paper. The images created were fine, yet not unusual. It told a story, as I like for my own work tends to do, but left nothing to an interpretation in layers, with tension, exposition, resolution.
I disagree with someone who wrote that you should not have to read a poem twice..yes! again and again and again..until one is fully satisfied that they have satiated the hunger of their curiosity,slaked their thirst to fully grasp the meaning in the words.And ,then ,at times ,one is left with THEIR perception...
Your poem depicted a lovely moment in childhood.The meaning quite clear and quite appealing.
Not all poetry should be a Rubik's cube.