I am on my second day back from vacation today.Â I havenâ€™t been able to blog for an entire week and Iâ€™m still hesitant to do so.Â Itâ€™s all because of an incredibly awkward and unbelievable event of happenstance.Â These kinds of things only happen to me Iâ€™m almost sure of it!
My internet has been going off at home and has become an increasing nuisance because the cable company always has to come out, of course, when Iâ€™m working.Â I was about to be away for a week and really wanted it taken care of.Â I have made a habit of complaining about this to Ex.Â When he offered to stay at my house on Friday to wait for the cable guy I was taken totally off guard.Â In no way was my complaining intentional to elicit this response.Â I was very hesitant and almost refused his offer right away.Â I kept asking him if he was certain, completely critical of the offer.Â He insisted it was a willing decision to help and I had nothing to worry about...my mistake.
My Ex, unfortunately, has a reputation of being untrustworthy around my personal things.Â He has read emails and gone through my phone previously, even when we were not dating.Â I made a mental checklist in my mind of anything that he may look through or find suspicious.Â There was honestly nothing!Â I was apparently wrong.Â While Ex was in my house and the cable guy had left with my internet intact, he took the liberty of cleaning up my computer.Â I would have been totally appreciative as it is a new lap top and I would hate anything to happen to it.Â I was completely unappreciative.Â He had checked my recycle bin for items that â€œmay have been deleted by a virus.â€Â Something of interest was in there, the notes for this blog!
If you have not read my archives, suffice it to say that there a few choice entries that I would care for him not to know about.Â He read everything!Â Including entries I have not even posted yet.Â He admitted/confronted this invasion of my computer over the phone.Â He was upset, a little angry, and most of all inexplicably calm.Â This is so unlike Ex itâ€™s unbelievable.Â The normal reactions I received from him about anything he was hurt or upset about usually involved punches against the wall or throwing of electronics.Â So for him to be so calm and quiet after heâ€™s read about things that have occurred when and since we were in a relationship was even harder to deal with.Â I felt so bad for myself and for him.Â Mostly I didnâ€™t want our relationship to change.Â It was peaceful between us and we had friendly conversations every so often.Â The most positive thing that came out of this was that he has taken the steps to move on from us completely, and that is both comforting and scary.
I had all kinds of questions when Ex told me he read my blog.Â I felt so violated and felt the instinctive need to do damage control.Â I did not want to talk about it, because I felt like I shouldnâ€™t be having the conversation in the first place.Â These entries are inner thoughts and occurrences.Â Never would I proclaim half of these emotions out loud to friends or family.Â At the same time, here I am typing to an audience I donâ€™t even know.Â I am publishing, publicly, things that I might not even write down in a diary to keep in my house.Â I would be truly upset if any of the guys I wrote about read this blog.Â It is such a conflict, but this is personal.Â Thatâ€™s the way I feel about it because on this great expanse of internet and World Wide Web, I can retain some anonymity.Â I have the ability to write about fact and fiction and never have to own up or deal with the consequences.Â It may come to a point where I get exposure and discovery, but until then IÂ hope my secretâ€™s safe with you.
Taken from my blog http://thisisdating.blogspot.com