The BEM Box

Wow, this is great stuff! First, it asks some questions that the reader can't help but answer, even to themselves. Then, it guides us into what sounds like a very intriguing story, perhaps an urban fantasy tale of vigilante justice.

If I had to offer any suggestions at all, I'd consider the following:

On this phrase. "Point. Click. You die painfully, never knowing who killed you," I'd consider something like this: "Point. Click. You're as good as dead." I only suggest this because you so nicely painted the "painful death" premise in the opening sentences, and I think that saying it twice actually detracts from what is a chilling concept.

I'd also consider changing "I also married a wonderful woman," to something like "I met my soul mate" or "I captured the woman of my dreams." I only suggest this because I worry that saying you married her in the opening paragraph gives away the ending of what is sure to be a great story.

I liked this a lot!

There's a Bug Eyed Monster box? Where can I buy one?

Dale: Yet another excellent entry! I'm definitely ready for more.

I do agree with Sherrie's comments. One idea for your last sentence might be something like:
"I literally lost my soul saving you, but at least I got something out of it -- a wonderful woman."

Excellent, Dale. The tone is edgy, the pace quick. The repetition of point and click with each word as a sentence is perfect. I can hear and feel the click.

Some considerations:

1. Kill "someone" and then killing "them." Someone is singular but them is plural. You might want to say "him" in the second instance. Also, either him or her would be specific and make the reader think that you have someone particular in mind.

2. I may have literally lost my soul... If he really lost his soul, omit "may have."

3. ...but I also married a wonderful woman as a result of my efforts. For me, this phrase drains out all the superb tension you created in the first part of the paragraph. It turns this from something chilling to something common. Part of it may be the smooth quality of the phrasing. Your words/phrases were staccato before this. This one may be too perfect in comparison.

Also, since he lost his soul, consider using found instead of married. Something like--

I may have quite literally lost my soul saving you, but I found my life in Sally.

4. "Lost my soul" and "as a result of my efforts" may not be cliches, but they are common phrases. If you do make some kind of change, you might consider dropping one of them.

A really good opening.

Dale. I like it! I agree with Sherrie about the "painful death" repetition being unnecessary.

I also wonder about the second question right up front. The first is very powerful, but to have them back to back detracts from the first a bit. Point and click. Internet? Paid killer? hmmmmm, I can't figure it out. I'd definitely read more. Nice job!!!

"Point. Click. You die painfully" Or "Point. Click. You're dead"? That would be my only suggestion. Fascinating.

Dale, you've got an incredibly intriguing set up here. The opening makes me feel that this will not be a hopelessly bleak story but it will be a challenging one.

I've seen suggestions for losing one of the "painful death" mentions in the first graph -- if you go that route, I want to mention that the second one hit me harder in the gut as a reader. It personalized the situation/issue for me by making me. First you made me realize that the tables could be turned and I could be killed in this way. But then just the use of that word painful in relation to my own death? That stung because I think many people fear the possibility their own death would be painful.

I really liked the twist of the ending -- with the narrator losing everything we'd think would be important only for us to learn he'd apparently found love in the process. I do like some of the suggestions for changing this thought's expression up a bit, though.

This opening makes me think and that's always going to draw me into a story. This one definitely hits the mark.

This has a staccato rhythm which doesn't thrill me, it chatters like a teletype machine. That may be an intended effect and I'm just a big jerk. In my mind, the suggestions are pointing in the right direction. I guess I like things that are more dreamy and poetic. Just one Wombats opinion.

Interesting premise, Dale. You've got my imagination going full speed ahead.

I echo the marriage wording - but this is coming from a happily divorced woman who knows sometimes marriage doesn't mean a happy ending.

I'd switch to third person narrative, but so far it works. Good job, Dale.

Dale, would be hard not to read further after that.

Fascinating paragraph, Dale. I really like it, because it resembles the beginning of a love story. Suggestions? As usual, I agree with Beth. We must be on the same wavelength.

Good opening, Dale, and an interesting premise. (And yes, I'd be awfully tempted...)

I agree with Beth, though, that the end of the paragraph undoes all the lovely tension you had going. I'd leave it out. The fact that he's found his soulmate while losing his soul will be clear by the end of the story.

Cathy

I love the almost casual horror of this. And yet, I suspect more of a thriller or even romance, than horror. And the rythm suits the way folks play video games. Quick. Shoot. Dead. Only not in real life, which you propose, dare I say, chillingly?

I kind of like have the telegraph of true love at the beginning. Often I won't delve in if it looks like it's going to be blood and guts and no pay off. Then again, I do tend to favor romance, so maybe it's just me. I like what you've done.

Wow, these are some good suggestions. I especially liked the idea of, "I may have quite literally lost my soul saving you, but I found my life in Sally."

I'm reading these a second time. Boy, with so many terrific entries, this included, it's going to be torture to rank them.

I'm going with Beth's Point # - the ending does kind of trail off. Her suggestion gives it more of a punch and makes me wonder who Sally is and what did she do to save (your) soul.

Love the first person and talking to the reader! Absolutely love it! So many times we're told you can't do that, but it can and does work, as you've proven. Good on ya! (some "Aussie-ness" for the Wombats!)

OK, B.E.M. is driving me crazy. Something Extermination Module? Give. What's it stand for? (Off to haunt John about C.L.A.U.D.E next!)

Dale - my favorite numbers guy.

Topic good. Wording good. Talking to the reader... Not for me. Unless you plan to talk to the reader for an entire novel. That might work.

To be honest... at the end of the paragraph (I did want to keep reading). So good job.

I like the changes. Unfortunately, "Tara" made me leap to Scarlet O'Hara, pining for her beloved family plantation. Maybe "found my true love" or "found something for myself" or anything without the name? Using the name seemed like a good suggestion, until you used THAT name. Picky, picky, picky, eh?

I like the changes. It's cleaner. And I like the name Tara. I even like the ambiguity of it, that you may mean a place instead of a person.

This is creepy to me- for some reason the Matrix comes to mind- but intriguing. I like the love conquering death theme; it's a breath of hope which as a reader I would cling to and want to see prevail. I wonder though if it might be more chilling if the death's weren't painful.

The BEM Box

These comments pertain to the 2nd version.

I had a problem in the original version wrt literally losing your soul and getting married. But you scrubbed that away nicely in the second version (assuming Tara is a person and not a plantation in Georgia), and I'm left with no suggestions.

Nicely done. Waiting to see how this all happened.

Also on the 2nd version - Ooooh, this one is fun! I love the hook at the end. Point. Click. Cool. And I love the questions, too. I did ask myself.

I don't know if I'd mention Tara yet, but that's just me. Maybe a hint at something better: I lost my soul, but I gained something else. Yada Yada Yada - This is really good!:)

Great edit. Punchy and intriguing. Yes, we want to read more.

Nothing needs changing, but here's a slight change in punctuation to consider.

I saved you—saved society--from having to answer those questions. I lost my soul doing it.

But I found Tara.

Just personal taste, but I really love those punchy lines that stand alone as paragraphs. They catch both my ear and my eye. As I said, not a needed change by any measure. Just something to consider.

Great job, Dale.

Like your edit, Dale. Fine job!

LOL - I'm kinda with Ty - a tough structure for a novel, but can be done. I really like your revisions, Dale!

Wow, very intriguing, a great way to trigger our interests with powerful questions like these! I'm like Beth...I like those sentences that grab me to stand on their own, like "But I found Tara." Great job!