First Paragraph from a joey

Excellent paragraph, Ken, and different than any we've had so far! If you're playing along in our first paragraph contest, go to Ken's thread and list your entry there, so you'll get more feedback. Don't know if you've read all the absurd and crazy rules yet, but we'd love to have you play along! And hey, it could be worth a hundred of Ken's own dollars!

http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977055910

I'm speechless. The thing is, and this is one of the points of this contest, of the nearly 2,000 entries in the First Chapters Contest, a very high percentage was poorly written. There were spelling errors, grammatical errors, syntax errors, non sequiturs and other sloppiness that was maddening. If you're serious about writing, wouldn't you write, rewrite and perfect at least the first few words so the reader is compelled to read more?
What is going on here? The level of craft in the entries so far is outstanding.

Yes, Kenneth, I'd like to read more and see where this is going. Mission accomplished. Nice work.

Thanks, friend.

Kenneth: I agree, wonderful stuff! Welcome to the Writing Wombats -- THE group if you're interested in camaraderie, good advice, and writing exercises.

Here are some picky comments:

"He played a chord and answered." Maybe "He began to play as he gave me his answer." He wouldn't really just play one chord and then sing, would he?

"What I said I'd never be, I've come." Perhaps "What I said I'd never be, I've become."

As I said, picky. This is an excellent opening.

Dave,
Thanks for the input. Picky comments are preferred to general approbation.
He's not a great piano player. Hence, his chords are few and far between and most of his lyrics follow single chords or are a cappella. When singing in the meter as he is doing, shortening the word "become" to "come" fits the rhyme more elegantly.
Thanks for the encouragement.

I agree with Ken! I'd say that MAYBE 3 or 4 of the dozens and dozens of FC entries really made me want to read more. MANY made me groan and dread having to read more in order to placate whoever it was that solicited me to read (usually the author). These are all so good. This one is so different. Who is the narrator and why is he interested in the piano man? Does this piano man always answer in tune (okay I hope not on that!), if so why? So many questions....good ones. I'm hooked. Nice to meet you Kenneth, you're a Joey no longer.

I have not read one of these First Paragraphs that's a bust Everyone's done a great job and this one is no exception. I have no idea how I will manage to vote on these. So far it's impossible to choose!

I am really loving the feeling of warmth in the room and have reduced my exposure in several other fora accordingly. This is really a much more productive place for me to spend my time.

Thanks to everyone who participates here.

The only problem I have with this is the redundancy of "lonely" and "sat by himself" in the first sentence. I guess you can be lonely and sitting in a crowd, but lonely is a telling word. How do we know he's lonely? Show us. (I know we are limited to a 100 words, so that's asking a bit much.)

Also picky - This seems "not quite right" to me
What I said I'd never be, I've come. (should "come" be "become") Might change your syllable counts though.

Okay, that being said- creative intro. I like that it's different. I balk at writing lyrics so hats off to anyone that can pull it off.

I should read other people's comments before posting my own. Sorry for the repeated offense.

Jamie,
No harm, no foul.
Thanks for playing.

Nicely written!

The first three lines are lyrical, so it's satisfying to see this move into real lyrics.

Rather unusual that the piano man answers in song, however. The feeling this gave me reminds me of Alice in Wonderland. I wonder if the piano man only speaks in song. I'd keep reading to find out how this plays out and to discover what is happening.

The "cloud of doom" phrase caught me on the first couple of reads. Back-lit and tobacco-laced are concrete, describing a real smoke cloud. But the doom part is poetic. I had troubling picturing the combination. For me, the two clouds clashed instead of blending.

Consider a colon or em dash after answered to lead us into the song. The period may be too hard a break.

A great submission. Different from everything else we've seen, but it's high quality. Nicely done.

Beth,
If an em dash you wish, an em dash I'll swish.
Thanks for playing.

Very original - not like anything I've seen posted here.

I agree with the others: 'come' should be 'become.' It doesn't really mess up your rhythm - the first syllable isn't stressed, so it works. In the second stanza, I'd lose the word 'worse' in the second line - it doesn't flow for me. Also, I'd end the first line and third lines with commas, as they aren't full sentences.

Cathy

Wow, this is really original. I think you set the mood nicely, and it made me wonder what was going to happen next.

If I were forced to make any suggestions, I'd suggest eliminating the "him" in this sentence: "...sidled up and asked him, "What's bugging you..." I'd also like to see it spelled out how he answered, meaning was it spoken or sung? Of course, maybe your intent was to pique the reader's curiousity, and you certainly accomplished that!

Nice!

Very original. My thoughts: I saw "lonely piano man" and heard Billy Joel. Could you change it to "piano player"? I'd leave off the "lonely" also, as per Jamie's comments above.

Welcome to full wombat-land.

Yeah, the originality of this alone would keep me reading. You made the most of the word count! Good job/

Judy and Ty,
Thanks for the support.
Man will become player.

I like the line, "I've become my own worst sort of dread." It gives you the sense that he created his misery as opposed to circumstance, but I'm hungry for one more line, something that tells me more about the narrator, but then that would put you over 100 words... hmmmmmm

First Paragraph from a Joey

This one feels like the opening to a short story about despair. (Boy we are a gloomy lot, aren't we?)

Suggestions:

1) How do we know the piano man is lonely? Can you add anything that shows he is?

2) "What I said I'd never be, I've come." 'come' should be 'become'.

For me the hook is who is this guy and what has he been through and what has he done along the way? He's depressed and seems separated from those around him, yet he still has enough left to get out of bed and go to a bar and play the piano. So he's not totally gone. Yet.

An interesting start.

Very different - I really like the opening in verse. A nod to a device from a (much) earlier time. Really wonderful! The only thing I had was "tobacco-laced". Maybe: Under a back-lit, smoky blue cloud of doom? Just me - Can't wait to read the rest.

there's supposed to be a rest?

This is how the wombats lure you in. Just write 100 little words, they say, just a simple paragraph. Next thing you know, BLAM, it's a whole chapter, then a novel and query letters and a synopis, and then the editing and angst. And people tell me they like doing it! There's only a 'rest' if fail to resist the wombat lures. And they are mighty.

So now I have to think of some meaning about what the piano player is whining about. Great. As though I don't have enough to do as the lonely kept man that I am.

You don't have to Ken. But if you hang around the Wombats long enough, you probably will.

Oh my, this was simply astonishing and very original to start off with a song that self-describes the piano man right off! Wow wow wow. Loved it.