Oh I am Angry and I swore and have spelling problems

I wonder how many people will read this when they see Angry!

I would like to believe a lot of folk would show up.  But hey, I have been so depressed that death looks a whole lot brighter for me than life.  That isn't right!  You see, I have been reading  different articles on our president, who does not deserve a capitol p.  And also about what different people feel is wrong with this country.  How would they fix it.   And as I read, I found that I became angrier and angrier.  It has to do with Wealth, and those who have not.

 Wealth runs this country upon the backs of the poor.  It has done it forever.  Europe has done it. The English I think of right at hand, being Scots Irish as I am.  But I am talking about now.  Has there ever been more poverty?  Are the soldiers families still getting food stamps if they depend on the soldiers money only.  They did when this horrible self grandizing war started.  Does Bush get food stamps?  Then someone commented on the worst thing in this country is welfare fraud.  Bush spends Trillions to kill people including our own young and a single mother gets three hundred maybe four to raise one child?  And she is to feel shame? 

  The wealthy of this country send much of their money into banks without paying tax on it.  It goes overseas.  The interest on a trillion dollars would take care of the poor.  And what about the programs to help the poor get out of poverty? 

  I came back to Maine after going to college, and then spending time in the trenches, on the streets in inner city areas in Massachusetts.  I had a youth theatre going.  Which by the way was sold out inorder for the hospital I worked for to advertise it's teen detox unit.  Suddenly these kids that I had worked with for two years, who had started a new life away from their familys, were going to high school to finish, staying clean and sober, and the hospital, out of greed, used these kids, on national media, to advertise a detox unit.  Look what it can do for your kids!  Their faces were on the front of newspapers.  A television show did a spot on them.  I eventually quit.

 I move back to maine thinking that I will put a riding school together for neighborhood kids and we make money teaching riding and taking trail rides with other people who could afford it.  And I got used again.  Only this time, I lost everything.  And tonight, I looked out the window at my three beautiful horses that are left and I know I have to find homes for them.  I live in a house where snakes come in.  I freeze in the winter.  I go hungry.  In good ole usa.  I am depressed, and I want to die.   All I ever wanted was a little farm, beable to give what I could to those around me.  Wow, big flipping dream!  and a wealthy person stole that from me because they that's how they got wealthy.  And they are friends with the bushes.  Oh yes they are. The wife who brought me here, saying that I was the best horse trainer and instructor there is and that's why she asked me to come, told me one winter when I had no heat...In maine...while she was in her estate in Florida...that I needed to use the chainsaw and go out into the woods to get wood. These are the type of people who worked hard to get bush in the white house to stay in the white house.

 And the sad thing is, is that I want to die.  They don't feel guilt. When I was raising my son, alone, we took other kids in.  I had friends say to me that I was barely making it myself, because I was going to college and being a welfare fraud.   I don't have it in me to allow someone to live on the damn street as long as I have a roof and enough food to keep us going. If I have money and someone needs help, I share.  I will never regret giving to those in need.  But nightly I have bad dreams about losing everything to those who want for nothing, except maybe...a heart, a brain and some damn courage.

 I ask God daily.  Why is such a small dream unattainable.  Why do I have to give up three precicious horses because of other's selfishness and their inability to see beyone their own wants.  And it is getting worse.  Tonight I am hungry.  Fortunately it is summer time.  I have no family here.  My mother died in dec.  And I am so tired.  Bone weary tired.  The last piece I wrote....Well, Johnston is me.  I have spent too long on the back side of the tapestry.  Nothing could surprise me for long.

Sometimes it is like Job, in the Bible.  He was hit by every blight that came down the yellow brick road.  And his friends, what did they do?  Help him?  No, they blamed him.  He must have done something wrong to be where he was.  Only bad people, or people not living the will of God get boils like that.  We teach in America, that poverty is due to a lack in someone's charactor. Not that maybe someone is stealing the very life blood from those who are trusting.  Job kept trying to tell them he hadn't done anything to deserve what happened.  They wouldn't listen.  Perhaps because that meant that suffering was not a thing a person could control.  So rather than help, he was shunned.  It says at the end of that story that he finally faced God with rage, and was overwhelmed with the face of God.  He understood.  It was also found out that the last of that story, the happily ever after was written by a different author.

Sometimes it never does get right.  I watched my mother choose death.  She needed oxygen to live. She had the nursing home take her off of all life support.  ANd it took her almost a year to die.  A YEAR!  You won't see a bUsh or any other rich person having to live such indignities by themselves.  I could't bring her home.  I don't even have hot water, or a heating system for winter that isn't dangerous.  I've had two electrical fires.  And I told the owner.  I even looked for a lawyer, for help to at least get the money back I spent and enough to move graciously out of here.  But there is no lawyer that I could find who would go up against these people.  The husband is a lawyer.  He was one of the many who made sure all went swell for Bush in fla. during the elections, or rather after.

  And if I die at my own hand, it will not be seen as murder, but that I had just not done 'it' right.  But it is murder.  The theft of a person's well being, the theft of their dreams, the sucking of their soul....none of that is seen, yet the rich do it every day.  And people take their own lives every day. I know the old addage....Money cant buy you happiness.  But that isn't the issue here really is it.  It is power over another.  The need for someone to have more than they need no matter how many people suffer and die for it.  It was said to me by a friend of mine, 'A Republican feels best when he or she eats a big meal, just knowing other people can't afford it."  I think that goes for wealth all around.  Or even the simply, well to do.  How many people give to charities, and save on their taxes but won't give money to their next door neighbor who they know. 

Yes, I am angry.  Perhaps turning the anger outward will help the depression. The doctors can't. 

I will put photos of my horses on here tomorrow.  And there is a wonderful story that goes along with my Thoroughbred Josephine.  AKA    Chaotic Avalanche.  She has been in my life since she was a zygot.  And now she is thirteen.  She gets depressed when she doesn't see me for a while.  I just have to not think of that right now.  I still have to believe that a miracle will happen.  It will won't it?

    Though of course, miracles work through people.  I am finding that to be sad.