Were You or Are You Addicted?

The root of your addiction might come from being sexually, verbally or physically abused. A good counselor with experience with abuse could help you. You decide what you will do with your experiences and who the person is that you become. I was abused as a child but I chose not to abuse others. I have the gift of empathy for others from what I went through.

Few understand sexual abuse and it screws you up terribly. Who can you trust that you have sex with, that they really love you after going through that? You blame yourself and yet you know it was a horrific thing that was done to you. The person could be mentally ill, or just a sick b*****d, but the damage done is still there and why they did it and who they were doesn't matter, the damage is done and it can't be undone, just dealt with . It's inside where no one can see. All your trust went out the window the first time it happened. It is an awful thing to live through and I am sorry you went through this. I can't fix it for you though I wish I could. You are not alone, if that helps. Finding the right experienced counselor in sexual abuse will help.

For those who were verbally abused, their words were their weapons and those weapons cut down to your soul. They shaped and warped your self image. Their lack of respect for each other and you have made you feel empty inside, lonely and always on the outside looking in. It is hard to feel good about yourself when the tapes of the remarks and conversations run through your mind. You may even feel disgust when you look in the mirror. Please realize the distortion is what it is and it is a distortion that you were given in your childhood. Please seek counseling to get rid of the self loathing you may feel. Their disapproval and awful comments are why you don't feel good about yourself, no matter what you do or what you buy yourself to feel better. They may have said you were a failure and always will be. You can make a choice to ignore that and not be a failure. Sometimes its a matter of what success is. To some it's a big bank account or a great job. It may be that you are a success because you have a little child that holds your hand and looks up to you in awe that you are there loving them. What you heard is not real. Seek counseling to find a way to turn the old "you are rotten" tape in your head off. A poem about my childhood:

Giants

by Heather Campbell
June 19, 2007

From underneath the table

I peeked out through the cloth

I wasn't sure what happened

What the Giants had wrought

I knew if no one saw me

There would be no more pain

For when the Giants partied

Their minds would go insane

I thought the Giants knew all

I thought they were in charge

But when the words went flying

Fights became anger at large

It seemed so simple to me

But the answers did escape

The next day the giants slept

They were in the hurting shape.

If you too are a Giant

And you love your family dear

Don't forget about the small ones

Every word you say they hear

You may think you do no damage

Even if it's only words you say

Your voices of anger truly,

Peace and safety do betray


Being physically abused is so difficult to deal with. You may have done something wrong, but the punishment really doesn't fit the crime. Things were always worse for me when alcohol was involved. When I was about three my family went on a picnic. I got bored and took my ball down by the reservoir. When my Dad found me he was furious. Rightfully so, to be scared as I could have drowned. Unfortunately he took off his belt and whipped me all over. When we got back by the car, I was stripped naked and put in the back of the car. It was 1957. They told me not to leave the car and they probably knew I wouldn't leave the car naked as I was always changing into new clothes when I got dirty. I heard other people come to the picnic ground but I was crying my little heart out laying on the back hot and sweaty seat. My mother put ice on my welts and they continued their picnic like nothing had happened.

I had my head put through a storm door, I was slammed into walls, slammed into the floor and sidewalk, punched in the face, punched in the jaw hitting my head back and forth. I was hit with the belt and the belt buckle. A pancake turner once broke on my butt. I almost got my head cut off with a steak knife and I was almost smothered with a pillow. There were many days I went to school with Max Factor's Erase on my face so no one would see what was being done to me. I left home at 18 because there was no chance I was going to get beat for running away.

I often wondered why God put me in the family he did. It wasn't until after my parents died that I realized why. It might have been because for the last 8 years of their lives, I gave them the same unconditional love that God gave me when I tried many times to commit suicide at 23 years old and he sent me back to my life. My father told me a few months before he died, when I was taking care of him at my house that he had never felt so loved in his life.

Maybe that is why he beat me, as he was beat as a child and never felt loved. I know my mother was mentally ill, but it is hard to say okay she gets a pass because of that. It's easy for other people to say but the scars wouldn't be any different if she hadn't been. She spent most of her life in bitterness. She was an invalid for over 12 years. She had alzheimers and in her remaining years didn't even know who I was. At some point she understood that one of us was the mother. When I proved she was the mother by calling out Mom, and she would say yes, she was thrilled to be my mother. When I changed her dirty briefs she would always tell me she loved me. Now to me those were words that healed my heart. Despite the post partum depression after my birth and the lack of bonding, the years of rejection, the making me to be the family scape goat, the core person loved me. It brings tears to my eyes just remembering those moments. I don't understand why they did the things they did but that chapter of my life is over. Taking care of my parents did bring things full circle and gave me a healing of my heart. I am a complete person now. I can finally tell my story.

I have chosen who I am. I have chosen how I wanted to live my life. I sought out counseling and learned why I thought the way I did. I learned why I reacted to things the way I did. I am still learning not to avoid confrontation and cower like a child

This is a poem I recently wrote about my Dad:

HIM
by

Heather Campbell

HIM said he'd break my spirit

HIM tried to beat it out

HIM wanted me perfect,

With a big bang and a shout.

Like a wild horse escaping

HIM thought he saw me clear

HIM thought I needed fixing

HIM only fed my fears.

I was only but a child

I was hearing a different drum

I was marching to my own beat

I was only a factor of one.

I know HIM loved me strongly

But HIM could be so very cold

I could never live up to

HIM's desired standard mold

HIM not only lost my heart

HIM gained my turned deaf ear

It was a silent journey traveled

Until we reached the age of years.

Finally HIM saw me

For who I was and why

There was not much time left

Together we had a cry.

Too many years had passed

Until we both looked beyond

The history of the hurting

And the lone factor of the one.

Jesus healed my inside

My past and present too

I was able to love HIM again

And do what I was meant to do.



I hate to see any of you go through more. You've been so hurt and I can understand why you struggle with addiction. It is so easy for people to judge someone with an addiction problem and have an attitude they are weak or are (insert negative word here). You have gone through h*ll in your life and until someone can help you deal with your emotional pain your are going to continue to be drawn to your addiction to put yourself out of pain! Listen to me, it's not your fault you are having these issues. You are hurting and need to find a better way to stop hurting. Please find someone who is the right one to work with you and help you, okay. Don't give up on youself, there can be a better tomorrow for you. You deserve better and you can get a better life for yourself.

You may be at odds with God and wonder "why me"? When I was in my 30's I realized that God loved me just as I am. He created me. He knew I would sin, but he still loved me and sent his son to die for my sins. I stopped trying to get approval from others and I stopped trying to find a "Mother" who would love me unconditionally. God was there all along and he loved me. He loves you too!

One promise I hold dear to my heart as I believe it is that God brings good out of the bad in our lives:

Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Some day you may understand the following poem I wrote. To me is sums up why my life has been full of heartache and challenges:

The Silversmith
by
Heather Campbell

Sitting with the sword,

His eyes focused keen,

To give it perfection,

A sword that has sheen.

A moments mistake

And the silver is hurt

Away goes the value,

Away goes the worth.

God is a refiner and

Purifier of souls.

He allows us to be tested

Only He knows when to let go.

With wisdom and love,

Trials we can endure

He changes our hearts

And our souls to be pure.


"He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver"
Malachi 3:3

I wrote this article from my heart hoping that it would bring you comfort and some ideas of why you are battling with addiction. Addicts are not bad people, they are hurting people who may do bad things to pay for their addiction. God still loves you no matter what you have done. You are worth a better life and you can have one by going for counseling and trying to find out the answers of why you are hurting. When you have the answers and can learn how to cope, how you tick and how to get better self esteem, your life will improve and the pull of the addiction will lessen. God can too help you if you ask him, but the Lord is not my focus here, you are. Although the Lord was paramount to my continued recovery from the damages in my childhood, I only mention Him as a possible source of strength.

Don't ever lose hope. Life can change. Remember no matter what anyone says, You are worth a better life, Everyone falls down, just get back up and keep trying. God Bless You all the days of your life!