The trophy

" this is for all the lonely people

feeling that life has passed them by

don't give up till you drink from that golden cup 

and ride that highway in the sky" 

                                                   America
 

something's bothering me and i just needed to share..

The British have a saying 

a trouble shared is a trouble halved

so here goes:

 It's nothing major like bills i need to pay or debts

 though God knows yes, i  got enough things to address 

 but today as i came to pick up my youngest son from school ,

 the teachers give the kids all the work they have done all year and the kids

 have to carry all the stuff home in plastic bags

I noticed a boy from my daughter's fourth grade carrying a gold cup,

the first prize in the soccer tournier!!

My daughter was part of a group that played in a soccer tournier 

an annual event that has groups playing from all over switzerland

My husband (in separation) had trained the group almost every sunday

and i think i have written about it, 

it is truly a "bad luck bears " kind of group with the goalie being a slightly overweight

boy in glasses who needs sometimes to inhale medicine for Asthma

small frail girls, 

in short kids that would otherwise no one would choose to be on their side

to play

and against all odds these kids won second place last year !

i was so proud.

Anyway , this year the kids won first place which was 

a huge gold cup.

The kids had their photo taken for the Swiss Jewish paper

and we were all excited.

Watching the games there was no doubt in my mind why and how they had won

my husband was motivating them , and cleverly choosing who to place when,

he really cared, and the kids felt it 

I was very impressed.

My husband in separation had very few good words written about him by me 

and that experience made me feel guilty.

I knew how much experience he had as a child playing on soccer teams for ten years,

as an adult participating in sports, as a volunteer soccer trainer who had the kids

come home sundays with medals and an occasional cup he kept at his place.

He works hard as a teacher of not so easy teenagers during the week and then 

on Sunday he takes my kids out and he has trained the kids in our daughter's class

as well.

I know the kids made an effort however two of my three kids play soccer with their father

every wednesday and participate in soccer tourniers with the team almost every other Sunday

playing against other clubs so they have the experience.

My kids play soccer constantly for hours on end with the neighberhood kids

Now the kids in my daughter's class participate in a Jewish soccer club once a week too,

they never compete against other teams,

it's more a social thing, 

my youngest son attends both the Jewish and the local soccer club and there is a huge difference

First of all the local team he plays with that his father trains every wednesday afternoon

practices a lot more playing against other groups.

Second of all you got to have some talent to play on that team.

The Jewish club did not even meet to train more before the big national tournier,

my husand however organized special training for my daughter's team and had

my other son who is not in the Jewish group and a great athlete play too

All of my three kids played in the tournier a few weeks ago.

The tournier allowed me to see what a generous man my husband is

though at the time i thought he was exaggerating and taking things too seriously..

by the way he's not even Jewish and not part of the social scene nor am i..

We were overjoyed to have won and it was agreed that the cup will be placed in  my daughter's class where most of the group study.

 Imagine my shock as i saw the goalie of the team whose mother organized the t-shirts and registration carry the gold cup home today!

It's not as if the gold cup needs to be fed like the class hamster over the summer vacation or anything..

I wanted to say something but the woman , a large Danish dominant person, handed me a bottle of wine and told me

"this is from all of us "

"I thought i would see your husband since he picks up the kids every Wednesday"

"No", i said, "He is away on a trip with his class this week"

"will you see him?"

she asked

and i felt very confused, how much does she know about our family situation?

I know that i told some people we were separated .

"Sure, i 'll give this to him", i said, "I'll see him on Friday when he comes back"

I lied. 

I will give it to him but i will not see him on Friday.

I felt stupid but as usual i made matters worse by writting this woman who i could not confront a letter

I said thanks for the bottle of wine

and all and i saw how happy your son is and i did not want to spoil it for him

but if anyone got to take the cup home it should have been my husband

who did so much for the team

and my family who had three kids playing.

My youngest son was actually making the most goals and people came to look at the 

wonderboy, he competed with kids 4 years older than him and was probobly their best player.

Having said that, i wonder, what was the right thing to do?

If i ask my mother she would say , shut up and don't do anything.

If i ask my husband, he would say, oh, leave it, it is not important at all 

he might be angry i even said anything..

If i ask a friend, she might say i am being greedy.

Actually I think the cup should have stayed in school,

it is a private school well guarded against theft

who gave that woman the right to take the cup away anyway?

My daughter says, well , the woman did organize the t-shirts and registeration.

 O.k.  Freud would say:

What are you REALLY angry about?

I am angry that i am never part of anything that goes on the Jewish community here

I am angry that i do not have a husband to sit with us at the table on Friday nights

that i have to play the mother and father at the religious ceremonies

traditionally the father recites the blessings on Friday nights

the mother cooks and serves the food and educates the kids

I am angry i got involved in a conservative Jewish community in the first place

because what are the chances that a nonconformist like me would get to play any role

in any matter?

I am angry because i am a stay at home mom and yet i never get to organize anything

or be a part of anything.

I am really angry because i know that the same people that have asked my non jewish husband to train the team will not ask my nonjewish husband to come to their barmitzvas and parties and holiday meals.

I am angry because i am a  nonconformist liberal and i married a nonjew and then i got all 

into the Jewish family thing and forgot we can not be a family without my husband

and he sat at the table on Friday nights impatient as i recited the blessings and sometimes

played along and sometimes not because we never talked about it

I am really angry because i thought love would conquer all and that religion is not important

because i have so many nonJewish friends, i thought a non jewish husband would not mattter at all 

but it matters because :

I want my children to learn about the old ways of my forefathers

because tradition in my family meant so much to me as a child

I wanted my children to be part of a loving and supportive and spiritual community 

but instead i feel i am alienated in a self serving group that resents anyone who is not 

Swiss born or raised, and not doing business with them

I am not in the right community , i should belong to an open and liberal community

but i wanted my kids to belong, 

because i never did 

and man, did that ever hurt.

So this is not about the trophy at all,

it^s about that woman simply going to the class room and walking off with the gold cup

and feeling she could

and me feeling constantly

i can't..