Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Who the hell AM I?
Some days I want to get one of those pretty iron-on sweatshirts that the "Grannies" wear (the ones with, like, a heart made out of flowers, surrounded by colorful butterflies & birds) and other times I want to go TOTALLY GOTH- like, shave my hair into a mohawk, dye it blue, put on black lipstick & extra black eyeliner and go around wearing nothing but black.
Maybe another day I want to wear black heavy-metal tees and stretch jeans with black hi-top sneakers & do my hair up high.
Then there are the days when I want to wear long, flowing skirts and beaded sandals and let my hair go long & free like a mystic or a hippie.
My musical tastes are just as diverse.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I wind up wearing tee-shirts & jeans, but I look too masculine because I have a thick frame & I wear teesÂ that are somewhat neutral sexually.Â
I LOVE Winnie the Pooh, Hello Kitty, My Little Pony & Care Bears, but I don't see myself WEARING them!
I have NO CLUE what to do with my HAIR!
Most of the time I get this (very 80's) layered/feathered cut & go out in stretch jeans and black hi-tops, but I know that this is WAY out of style & that I'm too fat to be able to pull it off, anyway.Â
Other days, I wish my hair was long enough to put into a pony clip (one of the ones that looks like Geordi La Forge's visor) a or French braid.
I love FOOD more than anythingÂ else I can think of & depriving myself of DELECTABLE flavors is too painful for me to even imagine!Â I think I'd lose any desire to live without new and delicious flavors dancing on my tongue at least a few times a week.Â
I THINK I LOVE to cook, but when I think of the ultimate vacation, it involves someone else cooking FOR me?!Â
I want to be the perfect "Susie Homemaker," but I wind up being more of a "Super Homewrecker."
I believe in the Bible, but dislike most "Churches" & "Christians."
If I had a house with a room devoted to each of my favorite styles of room decor, I would not have enough land in the world to finish it!
I want to own a coffee house.Â One of those eclectic ones with interesting music & psychadelic decor & poetry readings twice a week.
I want to serve wraps & organic foods and exotic (free-trade) coffees & teas.
I also want to have a bookstore.Â A USED bookstore.
I sit here dreaming about the future & wondering if it's even possible.
I know that I'm in love, and I know that Steve loves me, but I get scared about how different we are & how we each have TOTALLY different goals in life.
Sometimes I think that Stevie is right on the brink of an official proposal.Â Then, as soon as I think it, we have an argument about this-or-that & he's not sure anymore.
I'm no prize.
I know that as deeply as I know that Steve deserves much better, but I also know that I love him & that he loves me.Â
WeÂ COULD be miserable together.Â We WILL be miserable apart.
How do we find our similarites & shape them together toward ourÂ mutual happiness?
I'm not nearly as cocky or intelligent as Steve is.Â I'm kind of timid & flaky.
He has the brains AND the looks- I just TRY to cook & do a mediocre job of "keeping house."Â Â I feel that I've lost any lust for life.
I'm sorry if this scares you, Deb, or Jack, or David, or anyone else who may be reading.Â
I guess I'm just having some sort of an identity crisis.
Pray for me, feel free to type up any advice you may have (short of anti-depressants, as I'm mostly opposed to mood-altering, liver-destroying drugs).
I will just try to cling to Steve for now.Â Maybe we can find a mutual identity together, as a couple, that will suffice until I find myself again (I am not co-dependent- I DO acknowledge the need for INDIVIDUAL identities, as well).
Sorry y'all had to read this meaningless drivel.
Love All Y'alls...