Selig: I'll Watch Bonds Break Record Unless It's Thursday

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin.  In a testy exchange with reporters today Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced that he would try to attend the game in which Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron's career home run record, but could make no promises.  "I do have a day job," said Selig, who is general manager of Selig Pontiac-GMC, a car and truck dealership in Milwaukee.

"Bud, there's a Mr. Bonds for you on line 2."

Selig has been criticized for allowing players such as Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire to use anabolic steroids in pursuit of greating slugging power, and sportswriters have speculated that he would avoid Bonds' record-breaking game in order to deflect attention from his role in baseball's biggest scandal since Charlie Finley put a mechanical rabbit behind home plate when he owned the Kansas City Athletics.

Kansas City's Municipal Stadium:  The rabbit is underground right now.

"Mr. Selig is a very busy man," said MLB spokesperson Melinda Albricht.  "On Mondays he and Mrs. Selig play bridge.  Tuesday nights he has meetings at his lodge, the Loyal Order of the Bratwurst."

Tuesday night lodge meetings are held here.

Selig does not currently schedule meetings or social events on Wednesday nights, according to Albricht.  "America's Got Talent has gone into Las Vegas Callbacks: Part 2, and Mr. Selig left strict instructions that he was not to be disturbed."

America's Sort-of Got Talent:  "Take me out to the ballgame, oh baby!"

The Seligs generally reserve Friday night to Sunday afternoon for family get-togethers, and on Sunday nights the commissioner likes to prepare for the coming work week by re-arranging his sock drawer.  "It can be very embarrassing if you wear blue socks with a brown suit to work on Monday," according to Milwaukee Chamber of Commerce President Lyle Walton.  "The guys will razz you about it for weeks."

"You look goofy in them socks."

But that, a reporter asks Albricht, leaves Thursday nights open.  Would the commissioner be available if Bonds is on the threshold of history on that night?

Bowling night--not to be missed.

"I'm afraid not," she replies.  "That's his bowling night."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman