About My Photo

Have you seen the photo of me I posted of me on Gather? Did you notice that I have a few extra pounds? Well, these are my thoughts:

I make no secret of my size. I put my photo up so people can see me. I am not ashamed of who I am like I had been for years. I still can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.  At 52, I won't be entering any beauty contests, joining the rockettes or wearing a bikini at the beach. Many times when people find out my age they are nicer to me. I look much younger than I am.

I am overweight. I am pleasingly plump. I am morbidly obese. I am fat. I know I am fat, you don't have to tell me. I don't know why people think I am so dumb I didn't notice...

I have not been fat all my life. I was very small as a child and eating was an issue with my parents. I did not like to eat and there were times I was beat over my lack of desire to eat. I don't blame my weight problems on my childhood, but I often wonder what it would be like if they had left me alone. I was very active in sports in High School. I wasn't a twiggy, but I wasn't fat.

 I know the difference in my life when being thin. Trust me, it is no picnic being fat. I don't think anyone would choose it. I put on weight each of the first three times I was pregnant. I was gestational diabetic with my fourth child and had to be very careful.  (By the way, she was okay and is a terrific 13 year old despite being born to a diabetic 39 year old woman.)

I lost 100 pounds once in my life. I kept it off for 4 years. It is a wonderful feeling to be thinner. People were so much nicer to me, my clothes fit and I was physically fit with mild illnesses. I have lost weight over the years, up to 50 pounds but I always gain it back.

My life would be much improved if I lost weight. My doctors want me to go for gastrc by pass. When I was taking care of my parents when they were ill, I felt I needed to wait until they passed on to look at GBP seriously. If I had had the operation while they were still alive they might have wound up in a nursing home. I felt it was the responsible thing to do was to wait. Since my Dad died in 2005 I looked into it, but a year later my left tibia shattered and I had two operations on my leg and one on my right shoulder. I am still recovering from last year and I am not well.

I have considered the lap band but my insurance won't cover it.  I am trying to diet. I am avoiding carbs and fats.  Weight does not roll off too easy. I avoid the scale because it depresses me.  I know I am loosing when my clothes are loose. my clothes are loose.

Many think I ate my way to where I am. I don't eat any more than most people. I can't eat more than two slices of pizza or two hot dogs.   I have to avoid sugars and fats because of my diabetes. I never was a big sweets eater.  I admit over the years I didn't eat the right food, but I resent that people assume I am a big eater.  My problem has been affected by illnesses and physical limitations. My metabolism is low. I am doing the best I can to change that. I have firbomyalgia and one day of moving around leads me to a day or two in bed as my muscles seize up. I have breathing problems, back problems, sleeping problems, foot problems. I am not going to list my diagnosis here. Some may say, well of course you do, you're fat. Well, the back problems were from injuries when I was thin and some of it runs in my family. The breathing problems are from exposure to a chemical over 20 years ago allergies and asthma. The diabetes came earlier than is my families history because of weight. Being on steroids for my breathing off and on over the years did not help the diabetes nor my weight.

Even if I ate a pizza at a sitting, what does it matter. I am an intelligent human being with some problems. If you don't like me, I accept that but please don't judge this book by the cover.