Well most people would think loving a married man is a great sin. But, he was my angel. At the time I was 35 years old and living in a nursing home. I was in an accident and burned over 50% of my body. I knew him on the internet. I hadn't talk to him for a few years. I went to a friends house for the weekend. I jumped on messenger and luckly he was on. He remembered me and taught I was still hundred miles away. I told him no I live in the same state as you now. But, I'm not who I once was. He asked me where I was and I told him. He asked me if he could come see me. I said, yes." I knew I loved him before I ever meet him in person. Well he came see me at the nursing home. He was so georgeous. We went outside and smoked cigerettes and talked. We went to my room and talked. He didnt judge me based on looks and didnt judge me because I walked with a walker.
He said he wanted to be there for me. He knew all I had were my friends at the nursing home and a mother that was in a nursing home a few miles from me. So, he knew I walked to store sometimes to get cigarettes and to go shopping. But, he knew I didnt have a chance to go anywhere special. So, when he could he come get me we would have lunch together. We started walking together so I could get stronger and stop depending on the walker.
Well thanks to him I did stop using the walker. I had hope for the first time in 2 years. He helped me start saving money for my own apartment. I got it. He helped me move my stuff. I taught and hoped that once I started cooking for him do his clothes shopping and treating him like a husband that he would see how much I love him. Instead about a month and a half he told me he never give up everything he ever knew for me. So, I tried to take a bunch of pills. He came that night but I didnt know. I was out of it he said it was like I was in a coma. I unfortunately woke up the next day. My first sight was looking at him and I's picture on the wall. I broke down and cried. All the hope I had for months was vanished. Well the next day I went down stairs to see a friend. I stayed for a couple of hours. I came home and he took all his clothes and his stuff out of the apartment including the picture. Two days later I called because his wife was off of work. He told me he was on the way over. I told him you broke my heart and he told me you did too. You gave up on me. I said you gave up on us. You are all I have in this world. My love, my best friend, and my life. He said, I know you love me but I'm not going to loose everything I worked for for us.
Well we started seeing each other still but my love for him never died. Then I bad hurricane hit and I had to leave for a month. I spent that month worrying about him. I knew he was stuck there he didnt leave. I spent countless hours worrying about him and his safety. Well, I had a chance at an apartment for 18 months free I stayed for a month. But, couldnt stand being away from him. So, I left and went back to my old apartment and stayed for about a week. Not many of us were there. They told us we had to leave. I couldnt go back to the apartment I gave up and couldnt find any apartments available so I had to go back to nursing home. But, I did it to be close to him. I tried buying him everything he wanted. But, it wasn't enough. My love wasnt enough. So, my final try was I bought my own house. He moved me in. I lived just a few miles away from him. He came over as often as he could. I told him I did this for us. He said yes but, it doesnt change anything.
So I few months later I meet someone on the net. We had a lot in common. I told him from jump street that I wasnt beautiful could never be beautiful but it didnt matter to me. We talked on net for 6 hours then we talked 1 1/2 hours on the phone. He asked me if I wanted to meet. I said yes. So he was off on Labor Day and we went out to lunch. We went back to his apartment and watched videos. We talked the whole week on Thursday he asked me to spend the night. I really didn't know what was right. I knew I loved the married guy more than my own life. But, I knew I would always be alone if I stayed and fight to be with him. So, I agreed to spend the night. He asked me to go with him for the weekend to his friends house. I was reluctant to go because of my looks. He said, don't worry. He will like you. So, I went we had a good weekend. I cooked for the guys we watch movies together had a couple of beers. I sat on a swing by the water. I was crying. He came up and asked what was wrong. I couldnt tell him this is what I drempt for me and the married guy. Weekends away having fun and hanging out. So, I just sat there and cried. He held me and told me stop worrying I want to be with you. I love you for who you are. So, he brought me home Monday morning. I called the married guy. He came over. I cried my eyes out. He wondered why. I told him I cheated on you. He said I never asked you to wait for me here's your chance to do all the things you dream of. I said yes but, I wish with all my heart it was you that's there. He said you know no matter how much you wish, hope, and dream it will never happen.
So the single guy and I dated for 4 months. He called distraught he said his rent was about to go up and he couldnt afford it with all the other bills. So, I told him you know I've been offering come move in with me. So, he did. I treat him as my boyfriend, my kid, and my husband. But, when he's at work and he's asleep I cry. Because, there is someone out there that has my heart and my dreams. I talk to him 5 days a week. He comes over. But, not as often. He knows he's breaking my heart but, it's like he is numb to what I feel.
I don't know how to get over him. I look at him and he's so georgeous and sexy. He does all the things I cant do because of my disability. To him all that I feel isnt important what is important is his life and his belongings. Yet I gave up everything for him. But, it's not enough. My love which is still there as strong as ever now my health is failing. He is backing away further and further away. So, I sit in physical and emotional pain. I cry for him. I cry because I know my health is getting worse and I'm worried about my boyfriends future and my best friend the married guys future. If something happens to me who will they have. Because I love both of them very much I want both of them to have a happy future and a chance at a wonderful life.
I worry that if my health gets worse I will loose my home and both of the men that mean the world to me. I lost my husband because he couldnt deal with it. So, I sit in fear. Fear that I will loose my home, my mobility, my independance, and the men that make me fight everyday.
To thoose out there that are disabled believe me I feel your pain. To thoose who love a married man I feel your pain I have lived it for 2 1/2 years. I guess I will live with it for the rest of my life.