As much as being an Entertainment News Hound pays—and it pays a packet, I tell you!—this Hound had to get another job. Your Girl Friday snagged a gig working overtime in that anonymous mid-town high-rise in the sky: copying, filing, “yes, sir”ing and taking dictation. I’ve traded in my stilettos for sensible shoes. My glasses askew on my face. My hair up but awry. The run in my stockings patched with nail polish. Goodbye to the romance of being a Newshound and Newshound alone. No longer can I pound the pavement of my hot New York City nights in search of hot scoops for my dear Gather readers… at least, not til Saturday.
What’s news? Eh, not much. Unless you want to hear about all the news people who took a stand and refused to report about Paris Hilton getting out of prison. Is it heroic, this brave act of not-news? Eh, not really. Taking a stand about not reporting on Paris Hilton is almost as bad as reporting on Paris Hilton—you’re still “taking a stand” about something that does not deserve stand-taking. There’s so much wrong with your news show, newsie—so much that you don’t report on, so skewed are the reports you do make. You’re not a hero to me for this one. See, I’m not even bolding anything in this paragraph. That’s how not-even-not-news I think your not-news is.
The most exciting news this week is Hugh Hefner’s life is being turned into a movie. If you liked “The People Vs. Larry Flynt,” America, you’re gonna love Hef’s story! It’s not just going to be about the naked ladies! It’s going to be smoking jackets, cigars, and even the fight for free speech. Hell, if Milos Forman could make Larry Flynt a political figure, surely the director for this project can do the same, right? Especially if it’s Brett Ratner, the director responsible for the “Rush Hour” franchise. Surely, there is no better director to find the social activism amidst all those boobies! Jackie Chan, gimme one to the solar plexus! Stat!
Speaking of physical violence, the woman who originally brought “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” to life in film is now catching heat for delivering karate chops—to her boyfriend’s wife. Apparently, Kristy Swanson, currently of “Skating With Celebrities” fame, began an affair with her partner Lloyd Eisler when Eisler’s wife Marcia O’Brien was 8-months pregnant. (Pregnant with a vampire spawn no doubt, right, Kristy?) When Swanson and Eisler were visiting Eisler’s other children, The Slayer and O’Brien got into some sort of kafuffle, and now O’Brien has filed assault charges. Swanson has filed counter-assault charges, claiming that she “is not a home wrecker.” But she has remained silent about potentially being a dinette-set wrecker.
Violence erupts elsewhere in Hollywood, too, as investigators are now trying to determine who threw a PowerBar at the head of a 9-year-old girl on a Malibu beach. The PowerBar was evidently chucked from the bluff-top compound of Kenny G. Apparently, teenagers staying at the saxophonist’s compound were involved, potentially targeting the girl below while she played with her autistic-and-Down’s-syndrome brother. Kenny G’s wife has paid the injured girl’s medical bill, which included 4 stitches. Sounds like someone’s feeling guilty, for the behavior of her teenage guests, at least, if not for the elevator music her hubby churns out. It’s good to be sorry for something.
Not sorry for anything these days is Oprah Winfrey, who will be opening her first Oprah-themed store right near Chicago’s Near West Side Studio where she films her talk show. What will you be able to buy at an Oprah store? DVD’s, African baskets, the i-Pod cover with the Oprah logo… and of course, a feeling of well-being—because no matter who you are, you are important, and no matter where you come from, you can make a difference. For $24.99.
If you can’t forgive Kenny G, can you at least forgive Germany? In the “If you’re still holding anything against Germany for that whole Holocaust thing, it’s time to forgive” corner of today’s column, German officials have announced that they will not let Tom Cruise film a movie in Germany because he’s a Scientologist. Cruise is slated to play Colonel Stauffenberg, who was a leader of an unsuccessful attempt to assassinate Adolf Hitler in 1944. The film, called “Valkryie” (the failed mission was called Operation Valkyrie), is directed by Bryan Singer and co-stars Kenneth Branaugh, but the German Ministry won’t let the movie shoot at German military sites “if Count Stauffenberg is played by Tom Cruise, who has publicly professed to being a member of the Scientology cult.” Germany does not recognize Scientology as a legitimate religion, and is concerned with hero Stauffenberg being depicted “seriously.” Let us throw our full support behind Germany’s Operation Call Scientology What It Is! In preparation for the glorious battle, let us recruit Has-Been Vampire Slayers! Let us stockpile PowerBars! With Xenu at our backs, we WILL be victorious!