William's Diet Plan

William was a smart man, yes, yes indeed.
He always had a plan, or a harebrained scheme.
He thought of an invention, in a silly dream.
But by the second cup of coffee.
He realized it was fantasy.

So William found a mirror that wasn't very cracked
Took off all his clothing, said, 'Geez I'm fat'.
He almost passed out when he lifted up his arms.
So he took a shower thinking what to do.
'I think I will diet and try exercise too'.

Now William he got busy and drew up some graphs.
A day to day procedure and a one day fast.
He read many diets, but could not choose one.
So clever William had a brainstorm, and said,
'I'll do each from chapter one.'

William read testimonies from men and women too.
He saw a football coach lose weight at age seventy two.
Then there were some grandmas, all bikini clad
He scrutinized every photograph to see,
If this loss was air brushed fat.

William huffed and puffed and finally walked a mile.
He ate only tasteless food trying hard to smile
With his trusted pencil, he wrote each effort down.
His wife said, 'You're not so disgusting
When you're not around.'

William had told many of the diets he was on.
Got national attention, Willie Nelson wrote him a song.
There were many dinners, he was a celebrity.
A diet company said, 'We want your photo please.'
Then they shot 'Before' photos and paid a small fee.

William thought this was easy and after a year,
He took his measurements and sighed, 'Oh my dear'.
He had gained many inches, so he tore down every graph
He thought, 'This isn't right', then a lightbulb hit his head.
He said, 'I was so skinny just a year ago.
All I need is pizza and the remote control.'