by Jared Goldman
Member since:
November 16, 2005

A Haiku: RENGE

June 24, 2007 08:03 PM UTC
views: 0 | comments: 43

RENGE

  Haiku

 

Pure lotus flower

 

its blossom opens cleanly

 revealing its heart.

Comments: 43

John Doyle Jun 24, 2007, 8:07pm UTC
Well done
Alison Pearce Jun 24, 2007, 8:12pm UTC
Beautiful
arlene (no shame in my game) w. Jun 24, 2007, 8:15pm UTC
very goo!
Leah Christensen Jun 24, 2007, 8:43pm UTC
Beautiful. It's amazing how one can paint such a picture with only a few words.
pamela r. Jun 24, 2007, 8:43pm UTC
Simply wonderful!
Jared Goldman Jun 24, 2007, 9:04pm UTC
Thank you my friends. This one came to me late last night and I revised it a couple of times this evening. May the pure lotus blossom open in the heart of each of you...
samantha b. Jun 24, 2007, 9:05pm UTC
very romantic
Michele (Misha) B. Jun 24, 2007, 9:06pm UTC
Very moving. I love it.
donna h. Jun 24, 2007, 9:08pm UTC
So pretty
ELLEN B. Jun 24, 2007, 9:10pm UTC
Inspiring, and makes me want to have such beauty even possible to open in me, to share! Ellen B
andrew c. Jun 24, 2007, 9:48pm UTC
cool jarad
Jared Goldman Jun 24, 2007, 10:10pm UTC
Thank you everyone. Ivy - such powerful praise. I am humbled. "opens cleanly" specifically refers to the property of the lotus blossom that, despite growing only in a muddy swamp; when it blossoms, the petals are pristine - unstained, like the core of our lives despite the karmic impediments we have caused to form in our minds.
Carolion Grailbear Jun 24, 2007, 10:17pm UTC
Ah, lotus heart blooms
Rising free of roots-in-muck
Sipping Sun Moon Stars
Jared Goldman Jun 24, 2007, 10:24pm UTC
The Lioness does not sleep tonight!
Cheers!!
lowdown blueshound Jun 24, 2007, 10:30pm UTC
Hi Jared,

Ah! A calm breath! Well done!

I feel similar to Ivy..."pure" and "cleanly" feel too clandestine to me.

I want the lotus in your poem to give me it's wildness...or, as Ivy suggested, more of a surprise...maybe something like this (please, this is just a suggestion...and I played witht he syllable count per line):

fearless lotus flower
blossoming open
revealing its wild heart

Ther'e aslo a possibility that this is a senryu that you have written...not that it matters, though...but a senryu is a poem of the same form as a haiku, but with a direct or indirect mention or inference of human presence or interaction. I wrote these senryu, which I offer as a humble example:

3 Senryu for Addicts

Serenity

The highway to work -
broken briefcase, strewn papers -
prayers under my feet!



Courage

Empty white paper -
my pen's shadow meets the ink -
stepping away from heaven



Wisdom

Branches out of reach -
children jumping for apples -
I bow low for mine.
Jared Goldman Jun 24, 2007, 10:33pm UTC
I am quite impressed and ready for bed.
Deep bows...
Barbary Chaapel Jun 24, 2007, 11:00pm UTC
Jared,

I like your haiku very much with the word "cleanly" -
a word that has never been overworked and says
pristine all by itself.
t b. Jun 24, 2007, 11:32pm UTC
nice
Missy Cline Jun 25, 2007, 1:03am UTC
lovely Haiku!
Sheila Deeth Jun 25, 2007, 2:20am UTC
Lovely. I'm beginning to learn what haiku s are.
Tom Manson Jun 25, 2007, 4:07am UTC
Oh, to be like the lotus flower.
Machiavelli Dayupay Jun 25, 2007, 6:31am UTC
A very philosopic and soulful verse...

It's nice...
Excellent haiku, Jared. The haiku is a difficult form, requiring much discipline, and your expression is perfect. It needs no modification because it is your feeling of the lotus.
Bonnie S. Jun 25, 2007, 2:03pm UTC
Beautiful, so little words say so much : )
Arlene H. Jun 25, 2007, 2:07pm UTC
Nicely done. A proper haiku.
Jared Goldman Jun 25, 2007, 3:54pm UTC
Thank you, gracias, sholom, domo arigatau, xie-xie, merci mis amies. I may work out a series of lotus haiku creations. I appreciate ALL the feedback and comments left herein!
Jared Goldman Jun 25, 2007, 4:17pm UTC
Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Now this is the true of of the lotus blossom Heather. Simultaneously producing its seed and blossom (renge), the lotus is the true spirit of the Law incarnate. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. http://www.sgi-usa.org.
Ms. Meacham: Money Maven Jun 25, 2007, 4:53pm UTC
I second Arlene on this. Haikus are supposed to center on nature. Hence, this is a beautiful illustration of exactly what a "proper" haiku should be. Hooray!!! (Though I've been known to break the rules on this quite frequently. But, as they say, you shouldn't break the rules until you know them. So, I guess all is good from that standpoint. ; )
M M. Jun 25, 2007, 6:54pm UTC
So beautiful, thank you my friend.
Jared Goldman Jun 25, 2007, 7:07pm UTC
You are such beautiful people.

On Nature:

Call from within me
all about I see beauty
today again peace.

Believe it or not, I created that JUST NOW - from the inspiration you all provide!
William Dotani Jun 25, 2007, 11:02pm UTC
This is magnificent. It has every element of the spirit of true Haiku. The metaphor is moving. Thank you.
Karolyn Q. Jun 26, 2007, 5:19am UTC
Very goood.
Jared Goldman Jun 26, 2007, 11:35am UTC
Thanks again you all
your comments lift me up high
together we shine.
Beth G. Jun 26, 2007, 7:32pm UTC
What a vivid and emotionally open haiku. Great job!
M M. Jun 27, 2007, 1:49pm UTC
Very lovely said my friend. Thank you. God bless, M&M
Cyndi _. Jun 28, 2007, 6:17pm UTC
beautiful imagery.
Jared Goldman Jun 29, 2007, 9:17am UTC
Beautiful YOU!
Joe Corso Jun 30, 2007, 9:38pm UTC
I think this could easily relate to my mother, or the late great Sally Peeblebop.

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