flitting home from the falls

Went to Niagara Falls yesterday to hang out at their (very old, poorly laid out & decripit-looking) hospital with my dad & his wife. Stayed over at a hotel and went back this morning.......

Tongue was getting TOO sore from having to bite it so often, so I left fairly early. (Do hummingbirds have tongues? I think they do ...but not teeth... Whatever. )

The care he's getting is much better today than it was yesterday ....seems the word has spread .... first of all, they now all KNOW that he has Alzheimer's (and that WE know how much they DON'T bother to listen/read the chart) .... and because they messed up and caused him so much unnecessary pain yesterday (by neglecting to consider checking his catheter even though we TOLD them that he'd pulled on it) when the flow stopped for HOURS and he became increasingly ill & agitated.....  they are at least trying to be competent now....

although, when we left him in the care of a nurse for 10 minutes today we returned to find out that he'd ripped the catheter out yet again.... right out this time (if you're going to do something, might as well do it right but man oh man ....OUCH!) ...so maybe the care is only improved when we're actually watching, I don't know.... we were able to keep him from succeeding *sigh*

 Anyway.... having to bite my tongue (constantly and HARD) was not because of the nurses, but rather because of my dad's wife.... I suppose technically she is my step-mother, but .... not a chance in hell!  One of the nurse told me she'd told "my mother" ... something or other...corrected her PDQ on that one!

I have only been involved in his life again in the last month or so .... her doing, although I haven't blamed her nearly as much as I have him .... always figured that if he gave a crap about keeping his relationships with us kids, he either wouldn't have picked her, or he would have stood up to her in order to see us - he did neither....   She is nothing to me; he is that one that should have cared.

Anyway... yes, I do say that altogether too often, as a matter of fact....and yes, I am flitting all over the place and having a hard time focusing.... there is a reason I chose Flit as my online name LOL ...

She is his primary caretaker. And she scares the hell out of me.

She can say that he has Alzheimer's. And she is reading the books about Alzheimer's. But she is SO either not getting it, or just not cut out for the whole caregiving gig....I don't know.

Maybe I am too critical. BUT she scares me. And my tongue hurts.

When I went to see him at home before all this illness/hospital stuff started I was more than a little concerned, just based on my observations, that he is now too impaired to be being left home alone for extended periods of time (she works 4 days/week ... leaves before he wakes up; home by 1 p.m. or thereabouts)

The house is extremely cluttered. Including the kitchen, which is very small to begin with. Not a clear area anywhere; all sorts of things (inc. papers and books) on and around the stove.  Not ideal for someone who likes to cook (he was a cook in the Air Force for 20+ years) but forgets ~minor details~ like turning the stove off. Which, she mentioned in passing today, he does.

 He also goes out for bike rides in the morning. He is looking for my brother - or his step-daughter - thinks they are teenagers and did not come home and he is frantic with worry about which ever one of them he perseverates on. She knows this because - sometimes - he calls her in a panic. Other times, the neighbours rat him out .... they see him - as early as 6 a.m. wandering the neighbourhood calling for them. She reminds him every night that he is to wear his helmet and that he is NOT to go across the bridge. He does both. She gets angry. I remind her, when she tells me this, that "he can't remember."  My tongue hurts.

She sets out his pills for him in a dosette before she goes to work and leaves it on the table for him. Which might possibly be appropriate IF he could remember that he's to take them - and ONLY the morning ones and IF he had a clue about what time of day it was at any given time and IF he did not have access to not only his (and hers) meds for the whole bloody day and IF there were not at least 40 pill bottles sitting out in the open - on a cabinet in the dining room, on the stove, and on the kitchen table right beside the pills he IS supposed to take. 

 She is also, I am gathering, rather ~creative~ in her use of over the counter medications.  Tried all sorts of things for his constipation in the week to 10 days prior to taking him in to hospital this week (how about trying a call to his doctor???)  Got POd at a nurse last night for refusing to give him Gravol to make him sleep - nurse explained all the reasons that it is not safe to use it for him (he's having heart and respitory problems, etc etc ....  after nurse left "That is so much BS - I give it to him all the time at home" Oh please! I do not want to know!

I heard her tell a nurse how independent he is - does laundry and cooks for himself and so on ..... made it sound like he's just wunnerful at home.... but over the course of the day and a half I spent with her, and from the morning I spent with him when I visited at the house .... NOT. Yeah, he was going to do laundry while I was there - but it was not laundry detergent he was pouring into it; it was whatever cleaning supplies were sitting on the table down there ... none of which were intended for laundry.  He couldn't find the butter. He forgot to turn the stove on, and then to turn it off again. He was upset because he had gone down to "his" restaurant to have a coffee and the owner wasn't there. He could not grasp that he had gone too early. I could go on ....

He "likes to garden" .... yeah.... she was telling me about the plants he digs up, relocates, loses.... and about how the one day he fell ....  and about another time when she came home to find him dripping with sweat, clearly having major pain, but without judgement, continuing to work (on top of everything else, his heartbeat is irregular and he's scheduled to have a pacemaker inserted in September) ....

oh and did I mention that he's diabetic?   Guess what one type of medication is NOT in her ~collection~?  when he's in the hospital they test his sugar every time they do vitals. And then come in about 5 minutes later with insulin.

 "Does his sugar get that out of whack at home?" I asked her.

"I don't know. We don't test."

"Oh? Isn't he on insulin?"

"He gets angry when I test and keeps asking what his sugar was at over and over so I stopped testing it."

"Isn't he supposed to be on insulin though?"

"Well, yes, but we just don't do that. He gets mad. He does ok without it."

OMG My tongue hurts.

I TRIED suggesting that she consider having a home care nurse come in daily to do the testing and administer insulin ..... it would be absolutely free.... but no.... she won't even CONSIDER it!!!!!!!! Same with having home care in while she's at work. He's just fine on his own.

HE IS NOT FINE. Even before the surgery, several hours of anesthetics (they had trouble), and however long he's in the hospital (which adds to his confusion) ....all of which are only likely to make everything worse .... HE WAS NOT FINE.

If she's intent on killing him, why did she bother putting him through the surgery at all?

It's not only his meds, and safety, that she is unable to manage. She is clueless about dealing with his behaviour, also. Will spare you the long list... but ...as an example.... she will not leave the hospital "until he is settled for the night because he gets upset. "   So ....she waited until he fell asleep at around 11 p.m. before she would consider leaving.

Fine.

Good plan.

EXCEPT THAT SHE WOKE HIM UP TO EXPLAIN THAT SHE WAS LEAVING AND WOULD BE BACK IN THE MORNING AND ASKED HIM IF THAT WAS OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG! My tongue hurts.

Honestly, I don't think she is evil - but holy crap! She is so not capable - for whatever reason - of doing this caregiver thing.... 

He would be better off in a nursing home. Or in an urn.

I am distressed. I am a caregiver. I have many years experience caring for someone with Alzheimer's.

But - even though he is my father - I'm not up for the challenge of doing it again full time even if she would consider it, which she would most assuredly NOT do. In fact, in spite of the fake front she tried to wear the entire time I was there, she is not good at maintaining it, and I am fully aware of how much she would rather not have me around.

She tells us that "he thinks you kids hate him"

Wanna guess at what she tells him about us?

I heard her. My tongue hurts.

Anyway....even though I am 3+ hours away, and even though my Dad chose to reject me for so long.... I care. My brother and sister also care.

I don't know that I can fix it. Or even help.

But I have to try.

I convinced her to go out for lunch today. Of course, she had to wake him up and explain that she was going. I think she was hurt that he didn't get upset enough. (He did, but I was able to calm him down. Quickly. While she was still standing outside the door. I am good at such things. I think that is part of the reason why she really doesn't like me. Of the three of us kids, I am, clearly, the one she likes the least. Always have been. *shrug*) 

While she was gone, I spoke to a nurse. I expressed my concerns about the insulin, the condition of the house, and the fact that he is left alone for extended periods of time even though as a vet, all of his home care support needs are readily available at no cost. I requested that social work/discharge planning become involved and at least try to encourage B. to accept the help that is available.  And I left my number, and later, I called my sister and told her exactly what I had done. 

If B. finds out, I shall be forever banned, I have no doubt. None whatsoever.

But!

I will be able to live with myself.

And my tongue won't hurt.